I’m just, sort of done with dating at the moment, and I’m missing the confidence I need to have casual sex.
A little contextual rant you can skip: I’ve been properly trying to go out with guys since early August. First guy, we hung out a bit, I lost my virginity to him, and then he ghosted me the next day (only to come back a month later and say he’s sorry for leading me on and just came out of a relationship…whatever), the second guy was a super cute guy in his thirties that i met when he was working at a club and he showed a lot of interest, we went on an amazing date, but right before our second date he had a sudden spike of morality and decided he suddenly didn’t feel right going out with me…okay… I’m talking to two other guys…it falls through or I’m not interested enough…and now for the grand finale, i meet what felt like the perfect man on hinge. Looking back now, it seems a bit love bomby, but basically the first date he was super affectionate, feeding me snacks, stroking my thighs, holding my hand etc… then the following days we texted until 5 am… we go on another amazing date and there was sexual tension building up so I was really excited and decided I would sleep with him the next time, but suddenly ghosted me for a week and then he was ‘reevaluating what he wanted’ and ‘didnt want to waste my time’. to none of these guys i have ever expressed i wanted a relationship, it just seems like, other than the first, they see i don’t want to have sex on the first date, and then assume i want something serious. Whatever.
I’m just exhausted. And frankly, bored!
The thing is, as much as I want something consistent and meaningful, I’m really sexually frustrated. I mean, I’ve been daydreaming about sex for like a decade, then I finally have it once and the guy dips. But I’m just hesitant towards sleeping with someone immediately–it’s both because my inexperience makes me really shy with men (despite being no saint..), and because I want to like the person a little bit and feel excited at the potentiality of sex before it happens. But it’s like I’m being punished for it. So I’m wondering how I get over that. Like, how do I stop caring about getting to know someone and just get it over with after one date? I would stick to my 2 dates first rule, but it is NOT paying off. It’s exams. I’m COLD. and I just want some sexual attention. But I need advice on how to rewire my brain….and I also clearly just wanted to rant a little bit.
Also disclaimer, I’m not like, trying to become apathetic and have mindless random sex, and give up on relationships completely. But I just don’t know how to stop that nervousness I get at the possibility of sex on the first date/meet. I want my hot girl winter!!
3 comments
On the one hand, the way you get used to it…is by getting used to it. In other words, you may be able to grow a *tolerance* to this situation and learn to care less.
On the other, maybe you’d actually prefer to skip hook ups and focus more on “short term relationships” which are situations where you’re building more familiarity and intimacy over time but not with a long-term goal in mind. FWBs is a form of short term relationship for example but there are models of it.
I knew my two last fwbs for several months before we had sex for the first time. We didn’t regularly meet, they travelled, I got sick, so we couldn’t meet often, but we were in contact and it was great that I could take my time to get to know them somewhat.
If you don’t feel like talking a lot, go to a club, dancing, make bicycle rides together or whatever. Just take your time to really get to know them so you prevent further disappointments.
Tell them that you don’t want a relationship, but do want to get to know them before you start having sex.
I would and could never get over with my need to get to know someone before we have sex. Yes, I did have nice ONS, but it didn’t happen often to me, so I don’t count on it.
And yes, I also like the “potentiality of sex before it happens”. It enjoy the time before sex and it also helps me A LOT to enjoy the sex.
If you decide nevertheless to have sex on the first night with somebody, I think there is no good help to get rid of the nervousness and actually I think it could help, I mean it’s also exciting in a way.
I can’t see that there is anything wrong with you or what you expect.
There is an old saying: “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince.”