I’ve been a stay at home for 3 years to 3 toddlers (multiples). Before this, I worked. He is in the military and gets called away sometimes but we also have two teenagers and my mother lives close by in the event that he does have to leave during Jan – May when I want to attend EMT school.
Anytime I’ve ever tried to bring up working or getting an education, he shuts it down immediately. He states that I am too social or that I don’t need to work. I’ve tried explaining to him that it’s important to me that I do something with my life other than raise children and keep home and since our youngest children will be entering pre-k soon, I could benefit from school and work rather than sitting home all day. He says he does not agree and these things should not be important to me.
There’s another reason:
Our toddlers are at a very trying age and our teenagers are as well. My husband is basically useless in the sense that he does not help with parenting and allows the youngest to make messes and destroy things like tvs and our walls while I’m out grocery shopping. He ignores everyone so everyone comes to me with their requests and demands. I realize this is normal but I am exhausted and have nothing to look forward to. Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way and I should be grateful for the life I have but I am isolated, anxious, and the most exciting part of my week is the commissary or the dentist. That is quite fucking sad and possibly makes me a shit person I don’t know but I’m sure Redditors will tell me if so and that’s alright, I welcome all opinions and believe hearing when you’re wrong can result in positive change.
I should not bad mouth him as he is a good provider and we have everything we need. No one is perfect and I wish he were more involved with parenting but he’s not and that’s probably not going to change. I’m not claiming I’m perfect and definitely have some flaws in my personality and behavior as well.
Before anyone asks why I kept having kids with him if he is like this…the older two are mine from a previous marriage and I can’t help I had multiples. It is what it is, this is the situation, I can’t go back in time, and I’m really only trying to make the best of where I am for my kids and myself
So, am I wrong for wanting to get an education and work so my kids are proud of me like I was my mother when she graduated nursing school? And for wanting to get away from my family a few hours a day a few days a week?
Even if I make the decision to go to school he will make it difficult if not impossible for me to attend classes. He is in complete control and there is nothing I can do about that so any advice on how to navigate this situation would be appreciated.
33 comments
Won’t allow???
I’m sorry… it’s the 21st century…
Tell him what you are doing, stop ‘asking’
Your husband does not own you. You are an adult. He cannot legally prevent you from finding a job or enrolling in school.
It should concern you that he is this controlling over your life and uninterested in parenting your shared children.
You aren’t wrong.
No matter how good a provider he is, he isn’t being supportive of you. Your choices matter. This is your life.
What do you think he’d do if you went and got yourself a job, or signed up for classes? Would he disapprove, but not interfere? Or would he get upset?
If the latter, you have a controlling husband, and would be better off not married to him.
if the former, don’t ask for permission. Do what you need to do, make the arrangements you need to make. If he withholds funds from you so you can’t do these things, that’s financial abuse, and is likely illegal where you live. It is another reason to consider divorce.
>I’ve tried explaining to him that it’s important to me that I do something with my life other than raise children and keep home and since our youngest children will be entering pre-k soon, I could benefit from school and work rather than sitting home all day. He says he does not agree and these things should not be important to me.
He shows you disrespect in dismissing your thoughts and feelings and has no right to tell you what should and should not be important to you. That’s not love. It’s not abnormal for couples to discuss decisions like this together, but it is not normal for him not to entertain that conversation, his way or the highway.
>My husband is basically useless in the sense that he does not help with parenting and allows the youngest to make messes and destroy things like tvs and our walls while I’m out grocery shopping. He ignores everyone so everyone comes to me with their requests and demands. I realize this is normal but I am exhausted and have nothing to look forward to.
None of this is normal.
>Maybe I am wrong for feeling this way and I should be grateful for the life I have but I am isolated, anxious, and the most exciting part of my week is the commissary or the dentist. That is quite fucking sad and possibly makes me a shit person I don’t know but I’m sure Redditors will tell me if so
You have every right to feel that way. Your husband is keeping you isolated and controlled. He’s robbing you of your autonomy.
My advice? When he’s gone, rely on your mother for support and go to school. He’s showing signs of coercive control and you do not have to live under it.
He says these things should not be important to you? Your sense of worth? Your mental health?
His statement that you’re “too social”? What does that even mean? That you are wrong to want adult interaction?
How about leaving him alone with the kids for a couple of days while you go away and see how he likes it?
I’m sorry. But he sounds like an uncaring and selfish partner.
So it is not normal for him to behave this way. He isn’t being a good provider when he sits on his butt and lets chaos descend on the house because you are grocery shopping. He is not a good provider when he refuses to help the kids and everyone comes to you. He isn’t a good provider when he sets up a life where you are economically trapped. He is not a good provider when he doesn’t care about the impact of his behavior on you and kids.
Bringing in a paycheck isn’t enough to be a “good provider.”
So first, lets let go of supposed to be grateful for the selfish behavior of this man. You are not wrong for feeling resentful, exhausted, and just DONE.
You say he is in “completely control.” What will he do if you attend classes?
Can you make whatever arrangements you need to do in order to get a job or get into that EMT training. Don’t count on him for anything – just set it up with your Mom or sitters or whatever and do it. Why? Because your marriage is not sustainable and you need to be in the position where you can economically survive when/if it falls apart.
“I recognize this is normal”
No, it’s not. Go back to school and get a job. You deserve financial independence. He just wants to keep you dependent and without options
What’s his plan to say no to you when the youngest is in school and your days become more free? You could be in class the same time the kids are. Consider online courses. Do you have family that could help you financially in any way?
> I realize this is normal
No it isn’t.
Your husband puts the entire load of the household on you. And he doesn’t want you getting an education or a job because then he might be expected to actually get off his ass and do something. And/or, he’s afraid of you having your own money because that gives you independence and can allow you to leave a shitty relationship if you so wish.
>So, am I wrong for wanting to get an education and work so my kids are proud of me like I was my mother when she graduated nursing school?
No, you are not.
Go to school. Get your education. Lean on your mom for support to do so.
He won’t allow you?! That’s not how that works.
In what world is it normal for him to not be a parent to his kids? He lets them destroy the house and ignores their needs. He’s neglecting the kids!! That’s not even remotely close to normal!
He probably doesn’t want you to work or go to school because he’s worried you will wise up and leave him! There is an entire world out there with dads who are actual dads – not another grown kid with a paycheck. You and your children deserve SO much better.
Ask yourself – do you want your sons to grow up and be like their father by treating their wives this way? Do you want your daughters to marry men like this and live this way? If the answer is no, why are you showing them that this is acceptable, even desirable by letting it happen. Enlist your mom’s help and live your life!
I’m not saying anything negative about being an EMT, but have you looked into the hours/schedule required and the pay for that type of job?
I only ask because I have my EMT-b license I got it in high school and truthfully for the hours (12-24 hour shift) required and the amount of shitty work you have to do, they are not paid close to enough. I think it would be hard to be an EMT if you want to be at home with your kids when they aren’t in school because you will likely have to work nights at some point.
Your husband is an asshole.
And you would be too if you were expecting your teens to be unpaid childcare for your toddlers.
Sign up for classes, get your mom to watch the kids while you borrow her vehicle. Then he can’t sabotage you and you get to go to school and hopefully get out from under his thumb.
>I realize this is normal
No it’s not. It’s not normal for a husband and father to ignore everyone and just not parent. Your husband sounds lazy and is abusive. He’s not your father. If you want to go to school and work; then go to school and get a job when you graduate. You deserve to feel fulfilled in life.
Go back to work or school. You do not need his permission for this if you have childcare arranged. If he MAKES it an issue you should be willing to leave him. He is being controlling and the longer you stay out of the work force the harder it will be for you if HE leaves you.
You deserve happiness and a career. Do not fold.
Can relate. My other half shuts me down, too, when I mention getting a job. He says I should WANT to stay home and be grateful I don’t have to work (because we do ok financially). I AM grateful, but fk, since we live rurally, the highlight of my week is going into town to do some groccery shopping because if it’s not busy, I get to chat to some random chick behind the counter.
You don’t need your husband’s permission to go to school. You don’t. Technically it’s a decision that should be made together, but if he won’t be a partner and treat you like an equal, you can make the decision to go to work or school on your own.
I’m not positive but I think the military has childcare options for you? You should be able to put the kids in childcare if needed and pursue a career.
You also can divorce him and use child support money to pay for childcare. Your husband sounds abusive.
He isn’t a good provider and isn’t giving you everything you need. He is keeping you a slave in your own home. You can get a job pr go to school. Tell him you don’t need his permission. He is abusive.
That’s not nice
Have you considered online classes? There are more accredited college courses available online now, especially since Covid. You may still want to ask friends or family to watch the little ones while you study or work on your classwork, but this could possibly allow you to ‘fly under the radar’ for a while – unless he takes away your computer, he wouldn’t be able to sabotage you as easily. It may be possible to sign up for classes and do the work when he’s not home – that would be my plan.
It would definitely be to your advantage to have a marketable skill so that you have options. It sounds like you are trapped and unhappy. Have you considered asking your mom if you and the kids could stay with her while you work on your classes? Maybe a brief separation will help him see that you are a whole person who deserves to be treated with respect and love and support. Not a robot or object to own and order about. And if he doesn’t come to that conclusion, you will know it’s time to obtain lawyer and file for divorce.
I’m rooting for you!
Another man who doesn’t want a working or educated wife….🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Allow?? My wife would tell me to fuck all the way off
This is awful.
His behavior isn’t “normal,” and you don’t have to justify it to be okay with feeling the way you do. Your feelings are 100% valid and of course you want to feel like you’re more than a mom! You deserve to have a career.
Your husband sounds like a horrible father and partner. Providing for the family is not a partnership. He’s totally failing. It’s not normal that you carry that load alone. Not normal. He should be an involved dad because he’s a dad. Don’t justify his shitty behavior as “normal.” You don’t have to do that. Trust your feelings.
None of this is normal. You need to put your foot down or this will get worse
I think you should be finding a domestic violence women’s shelter instead of Reddit.
The only part where you were wrong was when you said “I realise this is normal”.
It is not normal, your husband is useless and controlling and he likely won’t allow you to get a job because it would mean him actually having to parent and take on some responsibility.
Don’t be a fool , stop waiting on his approval and do what you need to do. You’re an adult
I would encourage you to not care what anyone thinks about you, focus on what you think about yourself.
It isn’t wrong to want to do more than cater to your family. What is wrong is one member of the family dictating the needs of another member of the family (ie your husband telling you that it’s wrong for you to want what you want).
The question is how do you fix this? I would start with securing my boundaries. Be firm with what you allow yourself to think about, and how you behave and be firm with how you allow others to talk to and treat you.
Next you need to firm up your motives. Why do you want these things? Having wants are all fine and good but wants are slightly different than needs. We need to be safe physically and emotionally, we need to be respected, admired and adored by our group of people (friends, family, religious etc) and we need to be able to strive to be our best self possible. We need these things-if you take one of these things away a person will have anxiety, depression, anger and eventually resentment. So when you think about what you want-see if it’s a want or a need. Place a higher value on your needs.
After getting yourself squared-think about what your husband’s needs are. He is very firm in his position-why? His needs are no different from yours so think about it, he is controlling you for a reason—why? This is important because it suggests an insecurity. People who try to control others are insecure and insecurities come from not having our needs met over time. Think about this and see if you can turn to your husband and validate his needs and affirm your commitment to him in a manner which will lead to him being less controlling.
Lastly your husband married you and took vows to love, honor you above all others. This isn’t a license to control or change or dictate your feelings. If you can’t comfortably be yourself then someone has broken their vows. A marriage that is not emotionally safe is a failed marriage.
There is nothing wrong with you wanting an education. It seems like he has a traditional view of marriage – where the man works and wife is a stay at home mom. You have more of an egalitarian view of marriage, where you want to be equal to your partner, have a job and contribute financially and etc.
It is hard to navigate this dynamic, have you considered marriage & family counseling?
So I think you know that a spouse that would sabotage something important to you is abusive. What is your plan? I know you’ve spent lots of time thinking about how things *won’t* work but have you spent any time making a plan you feel *will* work? Find an online job even if it isn’t much. Sell things on marketplace to get yourself a nest egg. Enroll in online classes with an expedited timeline.
One thing I’ll say, don’t get pregnant again! No sex without protection or birth control. He already doesn’t help with any of the children you already have. Take online classes, find a work from home job and get your finances together. He’s extremely selfish, and I wouldn’t put it past him to try and leave you high & dry with the kids with his attitude. He just doesn’t seem to care, it’s like having a wife and kids is just a checkmark box for him.