I’ve noticed recently that they keep trying to give advice when I never asked for it.
*(We’ll call them Adam.)*
For example. A while ago Adam and I were casually chatting and I said, “I was up late last night. I was —-“ and they cut me off talking in like a therapist’s tone saying, “That’s not good. You should x and y. You should also try z.”
They kept going until I cut them off and said, “I think I can manage myself. I can take care of myself.”
The replied with, “I’m just saying. Studies say….”
Another thing they did is while another friend *(Let’s say Jack)* and I were making jokes about my physical disability. Adam immediately pipes in saying, “Have you tried exercising? I’m sure you could find some exercises that x, y, and z.”
I told Adam that I’m managing my health and following my doctor’s advice. They don’t know I go to PT and OT. They know I have physical disabilities and they know I struggle to do a lot of things, but they’re not at all experts despite Adam sometimes acting like he is.
It just feels kind of upsetting. Like, Jack and I were joking like usual. Not at all even talking about exercising or losing weight or whatever but Adam randomly pipes in suggesting I try exercising… I can’t help but wonder if Adam is indirectly calling me unfit or unhealthy.
Which, I mean… yeah. I am unfit and unhealthy. I am a wheelchair user with autoimmune conditions. I’m well aware of my inabilities every single day I’m conscious.
Luckily Jack made a quick joke and I took that opportunity to laugh along then change the topic.
I don’t know what it is that Adam is doing. I made a recent vent post and that post was about Adam, so maybe that’ll give more context.
I don’t know what you’d call this or how you’d label this behaviour, but it’s upsetting.
Sometimes it really feels like Adam is trying to tell me how to live my life. He always makes comments on my health or how I shouldn’t take certain medications, shouldn’t trust some of the stuff my doctors say, and have even in the past asked if I was certain that my physical disability wasn’t a manifestation of a mental illness.
I want to call Adam today. I want to get this settled before it festers too much and makes me even more spiteful. It’s bothering me so much.
I want to be able to tell Adam that although I understand he doesn’t mean to upset me being interrupted to give unsolicited advice is frustrating and upsetting.
I just want to make sure that I have a clear idea and clear boundary/request in my head before I call. It’s really important to me that my thoughts are clearly presented so that people or the situation can’t accidentally confuse me. *(Health also affects my memory and I can get confused sometimes. I lose train of thought and get disoriented easily.)*
It feels like I can’t talk to Adam about anything without the risk of him going, “Well, actually…” or “Did you know…” even though I’m not explaining stuff in a way that I believe invites advice. Adam asks what I’ve been up to so I’m just giving a brief life update which is when he usually does this.
And honestly the stuff he says is just flat out wrong sometimes. Like trying to tell me that I shouldn’t so eagerly take medication that my doctor prescribes is a very upsetting thing to hear.
If you’ve never experienced chronic pain or had to watch yourself deteriorate you’d do anything to try and help yourself.
It’s upsetting that someone who doesn’t know anything about what I’ve been through feels like they are in a position to give advice on a topic they know nothing about.
Just recalling it is making me want to cry and I don’t know why. I just know it’s really upsetting.
I don’t know how to explain to him that it’s upsetting because I don’t really know why. I feel like I shouldn’t have to give a reason to request that someone doesn’t cut me off and give unsolicited advice.
I’d also appreciate if maybe someone could explain why I feel so upset by this and why someone would act like this. I don’t really understand this emotion well.
I also genuinely can’t tell if Adam is doing this because he genuinely cares and is coming from a good place or is just selfishly inserting himself and his lack of credentials.
I want to believe he comes from a good place, but it’s hard to convince myself that while I’m still upset.
Thanks in advance.
4 comments
Sounds like you’re upset because Adam is indeed giving his unsolicited opinion about your life/health without knowing what you are actually doing/going through or the reasons behind your actions, and that’s perfectly understandable.
Seems like it comes from a good place, maybe he is used to doing it in general but if it upsets you, you don’t have to put up with it. Talk to him and ask him to please stop giving his opinion if you don’t specifically ask for it because it is very upsetting.
I would explain briefly that a lot of what he says to you sounds like advice. Then I would say, “I need you to be my FRIEND Adam, NOT DOCTOR ADAM.”
Then when he blurts out his next bit of advice, you have some shorthand you can use. “Appreciate DOCTOR Adam’s advice. What does ADAM think?”
And so on. If he insists you need “advice,” tell him “that’s not what I need in a FRIEND. I’ll let you know when I want ADVICE.”
Call him up and tell him. “I have something I need to tell you and while I talk I need you not to interrupt me. You have a habit of piping in, usually interrupting me to do so, to give me advice. I hope it comes from a good place, and I appreciate your concern. I need you to stop. I have a team of medical professionals that I work with to manage my condition. They have the education and experience to understand my needs and capabilities. What works for you, or other able bodied people is irrelevant to me. Again, I am begging you, stop giving me unsolicited advice. I want to enjoy your company and to do that, I need you to agree to stay in your lane. Can you do that?”
Hopefully he will be remorseful, mortified even. If not, write him off. Life is hard enough without these folks.
I don’t know about a conflict/conversation but my approach personally would to give him sharp verbal nudges to back off.
“Wow, that was infantilizing.”
“We’ve had conversations before about how rude I find unsolicited medical advice.”
“Oh thank you – while I have you doctor, does your office still accept faxes? My insurer is a real dinosaur.”
“What is it about being disabled that makes people feel perfectly entitled to comment on my body?” Turn to other friend: “Do people do this to you too? Or is it just the chair that makes it seem like open season?”
He’ll go “just trying to help” and then you go “we’ve had multiple conversations about how it isn’t helpful.” If he keeps pushing, “If you’re experiencing hearing loss I read a study that suggests that pulling your head out of your ass can help with that.”
(Edit: I see now your title says ‘kindly,’ and I’m aware I’ve failed the assignment, but if you say some of them with a laugh they might not be SO bad.)