I (M20) have been with my girlfriend (F19) for a little over 2 years. We live together and all signs are pointing to a ring one day. In the beginning of our relationship we’d have sex around 10 times a month. As our relationship kept progressing its down to about 2-3 times a month. This has stayed constant for about 8 months. I have a much higher sex drive than her and therefore would like to have sex more often. My girlfriend on the other hand is just fine with sex 2 times a month. We had a conversation about it and it didn’t change much. Which leads me to needing some clarity from people who have lived more than me. So the big question I have for you married people or long term relationships is how important really is sex in a relationship? Or maybe some advice from older women on the matter just so I can view it from a woman’s stand point.
27 comments
Sex is very important in long-term relationships. If sex is important to you and you’re not happy, you are both sexually incompatible. Think long-term as this will affect the rest of your life. The increase in sex could be new relationship energy or having lots of sex to get you in a relationship. Also, visit r/deadbedrooms and you will see how lack of sex affects couples. Love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. Do not rush into marriage. You’re so young.
[removed]
Nobody here on Reddit can tell you how important sex is FOR YOU IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. An asexual person or a person with really low libido will consider sex relatively low on the scale of importance. You, on the other hand, appear to consider it to be very important (high libido, etc) which is equally valid.
What I can tell you is this … while there are always exceptions to the norm, the norm is in fact that as the pressures of work/career, finances, kids, health, etc mount throughout the years, and as you spend more and more time with the same person, there is a good possibility of less frequent sex. Again, this is not always the case, but you shouldn’t go into a long term relationship hoping that sex will improve when facing all these other life challenges.
For me it is very important. It’s different for everyone though
I have a higher sex drive than my wife. We have sex 2-3 times a week (been married 27 years)
She says she needs an orgasm maybe once a week but could easily go longer. I am not a fan of sex where she doesn’t come!
So it’s all about compromise.
She loves sucking my cock so we do that while I massage her head and neck. This happens a fair bit. So it’s a win win situation there, she gets the massage and I get my cock sucked. Neither of us want that to finish quickly so we are both happy.
She has responsive desire whereas I’m horny most of the time so we have to work at that as well.
The most important thing is to communicate about it. Don’t pussyfoot, around tell her what you need, ask her what she needs, meet somewhere in the middle.
Keep talking because needs and wants change with time.
Very important almost broke us up after 7 years. But with open honest and kind communication I can happily say still together, having more sex and recently celebrated 8 years.
There’s no specific level of importance on anything other than what you place on it. If sex is that important to you, then it’s unlikely this will be a successful long term relationship. You’ll always have ups and downs in all aspects of the relationship, sex included. But to expect the quantity to get to a point of that honeymoon phase and maintain it for a prolonged period of time isn’t realistic. This becomes especially true as you grow, mature and go through life together. And if and when you decide to have kids, it’s likely going to take a massive hit from stress and exhaustion.
It’s different for different people.
I have a very high sex drive and have been happily married to a disabled person whose sex drive goes through radical highs and lows for going onto 20 years. The lows are tough but frankly as long as your relationship is strong they are worth it for your relationship. Your partner needs to find other ways to ensure that you feel loved, desired and appreciated without having sex with you, and you need to develop an active fantasy life and jack it in the shower a bunch. But it’s surmountable – for us. YMMV.
Sex is super duper mega important to me (I’m high libido).
But why are you asking us/me? If this is a deal breaker for you, it’ll only get worse. Its just not possible to change people’s sex drives/frequency preferences, beyond a certain limit. Make it clear what you need, and if they can’t deliver, it really is best to move on till you both find a match.
When you marry someone, the sex is like buying a house, only its way harder to move out of the house if its not what you want!
Read deadbedrooms sub. It will open your eyes to how important sex ix. You’re young. You can find someone who loves sex.
What else is going on in your lives? You’re never gonna have consistent all the sex all the time. I was in a 6+ year relationship; our frequency of sex ebbed and flowed depending on what was happening in our lives.
I personally think it’s natural for it to vary over the course of a relationship.
That being said, you guys should have a talk about a minimum frequency. Agree to how often you both wanna prioritize sex, and explain WHY you need this connection.
She doesn’t find it important and it’s unlikely to change if she already dismissed your concerns. Sex can be a critical part of a relationship. If she’s unwilling to try and have it more often your choices are to accept that or leave.
our solution won’t work for everyone but here goes: my gf of 8 years and i (both girls, both bi) got together when i was 19 and she was 18, both each’s firsts. after a while, i got on antidepressants and my sex drive totally plummeted. she has a very high libido so we were super miserable for several years. however, we always loved each other so much that breaking up wasn’t an option. after years of discussions, we ended up opening our relationship about three years ago (both were equally on board, no one had to coerce the other one). it’s been fantastic and our sex life got better as well, threesomes with guys and all. again, def won’t work for everyone, just my two cents
>So the big question I have for you married people or long term relationships is how important really is sex in a relationship?
That depends entirely on the people in the relationship.
I’ll say this – as a person married 28 years – sexual COMPATIBILITY is vital. If you both need sex often, need variety, it had better be happening. If neither of you need sex much, if the same old same old is fine, then it really doesn’t matter if you have sex much.
The problem is so very many relationships are between folks with mismatched libido and interests. So you get situations where sex dies, it happens at the baseline of the lower libido person. The higher libido person feels frustrated, like their needs don’t matter. The relationship suffers.
Or the low libido person tries to keep up, and they feel used, pressured, they feel like their needs don’t matter. The relationship suffers.
The two people MUST work out a compromise that they can both be okay with. If not… the relationship is doomed to unhappiness.
I’ll say this – if your sex life isn’t where you want it to be at twenty, you need to address is NOW. Don’t marry her until you are on the same page. If you aren’t compatible and can’t compromise, DO NOT MARRY HER.
You live one time. Ten years from now, you will both resent each other, odds are great that you’ll be a statistic (divorce), you’ll wish you had acted years before.
Honestly, it’s pretty important.
My husband and I have been married for 26 years, together since we were teenagers. We waited until we were married for sex and our libidos were a little mismatched in the early years and especially in our 30s when the kids were young. Now that we are in our mid 40s, mine has shot wayyyyyy up and I can’t imagine not having a healthy and frequent sex life.
Sexual compatibility is a much larger thing than people realize. It’s not selfish if you aren’t getting what you want.
You two are so very young! The most important thing in a relationship is **healthy communication***. I stress *healthy* b/c in addition to speaking regularly about everything, you need to learn to do it in a kind, thoughtful, articulate, empathetic way. That’s not easy and I have learned that over a lifetime of trial and error! My current gf and I have matching libidos. We both like sex about once a day. We also talk about it very openly and regularly. We also talk about our wants, our fantasies and any kinks (we’re kinda vanilla). If you learn to communicate well, you will be a terrific partner, whether for her or the next person.
38f here. I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 11. We have 2 kids. Here’s my take:
– don’t get married young and absolutely do not rush into having kids. I would advise against the kid thing entirely, but that’s my cross to bear.
– communication and vulnerability is everything in a relationship. When I was young I also thought I was low libido or not into sex. I had lots of it in college and with my husband when we were young, but I didn’t really enjoy it. I also thought that was normal and felt a lot of internalized misogyny around sex. Also, my husband didn’t like constructive feedback. It made him feel embarrassed and he’d make it a whole thing. Anyway! On to my next point.
– Having kids will very likely cause problems with you sex life. Not just because they’re exhausting and always around, but because it changes a woman’s hormones and brain chemistry.
– If your female partner is “low libido” or seems uninterested in sex, there’s probably more going on. It’s possible the sex isn’t enjoyable for her, maybe she has issues with shame around her body or being unable to orgasm. It could be the birth control she uses or antidepressants. Maybe she has kinks or fantasies she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing yet. That’s where the communication and vulnerability thing come in. Make sure she feels safe to share and discuss and not be judged.
– Never stop dating your spouse. Never let the romance die. Make time for each other, prioritize your bond and emotional connection. Find new things to do together and share your lives.
TL;DR don’t get married young, don’t have kids, women have shame around sex (even if it doesn’t seem like it), communication and vulnerability is everything.
It is normal for there to be a lot of sexual activity when you first start having sex. This usually lasts through the first couple of years of your marriage and then it slows down some. For most couples who are in sync with their sex drives, it slows down to a level they’re both happy with. I was married for 33 years and we had sex 3-4 times per week for our entire marriage.
You’ve only been together 2 years and aren’t even married and you’re down to twice a month. It’s likely to slow down even more the longer you’re in this relationship, especially if you marry her. I would expect that you will have a pretty dead bedroom once you put a ring on her finger. She just has a very low almost non-existent sex drive, and this is likely just how she is and you’re not going to be able to get her to increase it to a level you would like. You’re sexually incompatible.
So the question you should be asking yourself is do you really want to sign up for a life long sexless relationship? Because this is your life if you marry her. If you’re not happy with it now, you’re sexually incompatible and it’s not going to get better.
I’d recommend you do some reading over on r/deadbedrooms to see what your life will be like with her because it’s pretty likely you’ll be posting over there yourself, complaining about how your GF/wife never wants to have sex.
Married 18 years this coming summer and sex has been very important to us from the moment we met. We have sex nearly every day, even if it’s a quickie. It keeps us connected.
Been married 20 years. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is there is no magic fix. The good news is it does get better with good communication.
My wife has told me on multiple occasions she could have sex once a month and be fine. In our 20s I felt I needed sex 2-3 times a week to be happy. We would actually have sex like once a week. I was unhappy with that but I loved her. She did her best to try and meet me halfway but there was a lot of fights about how she always felt pressure from me.
The best advice I can give is to have a date night once a week. Make it a weekly thing that is blocked on your calendars. Go to dinner and pay attention to her like you are on a first date. Women need to be listened to and validated. That is their sex. That is what they need from a relationship. So go share a meal and LISTEN TO HER talk about her job and her friends and engage with her in those conversations (but DO NOT GIVE ADVICE). Then go home together and start with a massage. Go slow. Take your time. Tell her she is beautiful. Tell her you love her. Then have really good sex.
You both will feel validated and close and happy at the end of the night.
She might push back on “scheduled sex”. She might feel “pressure to perform”. She might not like the idea at first. But it helps. I promise. Emphasize how much this is about keeping your emotional connection to each other. The dinner conversation is as important as the sex.
Side note: at some point she isn’t going to want sex even after the date. DO NOT GET MAD. If you want long term success you respond with “I totally understand. No problem. How about this week you just come get me when you are ready. And if we don’t have sex this week that’s fine too.”
Variations on this include: 1) you cooking the meal at home and cleaning up after while she takes a bath/shower and puts on something lacey; 2) having sex before the date so the pressure is off; 3) or sometimes she has to seduce you (this last one is because sometimes you need to feel wanted and she needs to feel sexy so once a month make it her job to initiate).
Like I said, this isn’t going to solve all your problems. I still want sex more than my wife does. But date night kept us together for 20 years and two kids. And we still have really good sex. Just not as often as I would like and more often than she would choose.
Listen to me: if sex is one of the most important thing for you in a romantic relationship, you may want to reconsider marrying someone who doesn’t share that. Sexual compatibility is very important and it is ok if you have a high drive, just like it’s ok if she doesn’t. There are so many variables of what male people happy in relationships.
Being married for thirty years our average was three interludes per week. Some weeks more, some weeks less. We had one year where we had sex 479 times and I was home only three days of the week. Sex is hugely important to a long term relationship.
Sorry on my experience I run away I learned in one relationship no matter how much you talk it will only get worst basically you are not compatible sexually
You will find people your are compatible with I promise you
It’s as important as it is for you? For me, it’s very important. There is a bond that comes with sex in a relationship (for me) that impacts what type of partner I am.
When we are having sex frequently, I am definitely a better partner. It’s not a conscious thing, it’s just that when I am feeling loved that way, I am always thinking of nice things to do for her. I’m more affectionate (without trying to initiate sex), I want to take her out for the day, I want to spoil her, etc. When sex is sparse, I grow a little more distant. It’s not pouting or resentment, it’s just a reaction to the energy of the relationship.
And I have experienced both, many times. Married 25 years and 3 kids. And she’s been through menopause. There have been times of feast and times of famine.
In your case, I would be concerned. It will drop as she ages and it will drop if you have kids. Maybe not forever, but for months or even years. So if you think it’s not enough now, you’re going to be extremely frustrated in a few years.
Sexual compatibility is very important for a successful marriage.
I have a high sex drive, but my wife’s sex drive is significantly higher than mine, she also has a few kinks, but what is important is that we found what works for us, and couldn’t be happier.
And these needs can fluctuate in the long term, my wife is 43 now, and her sex drive jumped even higher about a year ago, took some time to adapt, but I did, and we good now.
You’ve already received some great advice so I’ll chime in from a woman who has a very high sex drive perspective.
I married a man I loved dearly, he checked all of the boxes except in the sex department. He was very inexperienced and nervous about not pleasing me. I thought things would improve once we were married, they did not…in fact they became worse. Long story, he had many medical issues that eliminated our intimacy completely 7 years before he passed away. No, I didn’t cheat…I took my vows very seriously.
It’s possible to love someone you’re not sexually compatible with. You’re dating and it’s 2x per month which makes me fearful that marriage and kids will more than likely decrease those numbers. I’ve spoken to so many men who are having sex with their partners 2x per year—that’s not a marriage, it’s roommates. Intimacy is the glue that binds you to your partner, if it’s not there you won’t be happy, feel satisfied, or feel bonded to her like you should…that’s not a strong foundation for a LT partnership.
You need to find someone who is as invested in a healthy, frequent sex life as you are.
I’m in my late 40s, married for 20 years. My wife and I average about 1.5 times per week. Good weeks it’s twice, other weeks once…fairly evenly split. I’m not happy, but I can’t walk away because of that frequency (there’s more to it on the quality side too…not great there) but I have been clear with her that I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship that was consistently only once a week. I’m feeling frustrated enough of the time as it is.