MY wife (F39) and I (M43) have been together for almost 12 years and have had the occasional discussion and arguments like any couple. I’m in the Army national guard and just got back from overseas and upon returning was hit with the, “I’m not sure if I’m in love with you anymore” bombshell. I’m so lost and confused and heart broken. I made things worse very quickly by trying to be clingy, I mean I had nothing for the time I was deployed and all I wanted to do was get home to my family. So when she said this it was so concerning and confusing I just wanted to hold onto her and by doing so pushed her further away. Then I got the stupid idea to write my feelings down and give it to her. Another huge backfire pushing her even further away so more. At this point we are separated but living under the same roof with the kids. I’m pretty sure she has taken the wedding ring off but no papers have been filed.
When we did talk I’m starting to understand where she is coming from though. While away she started to reconnect with friends and have her own life. I was simply the paycheck at this point because everything was paid for, she never had to worry about the bills.
She says that she doesn’t know who she is and because she had to stop working and become a stay at home mother she lost herself. She ask for space and time and it’s something I’m struggling to give her because it’s killing me inside. She goes out afterwards to the friends and spends time with them, leaving me by myself.
Sometimes we will go to the store together and have small conversations about her feelings, but never about trying to reconnect. I don’t think she has found another guy, I asked her if there was someone else and she looked me in the eyes and said NO. She had Noone and nowhere to go.
I’m hurting for her as it seems almost like a problem with reconnecting along with a midlife crisis, where she feels she has done nothing and has nothing to show no matter how much I try and compliment her on our two children and the hard work of being a spouse of a deployed soldier. It’s like she got a chance to go back to her younger partying days and wants to live in that life and not with me anymore. I’m not sure what to do. I myself and getting help because I’m an emotional wreck who has to hold it in, especially with the kids around.
I have no real friends or people to talk to and I guess we both became codependent on one another and now she has these friends and maybe she doesn’t need me anymore.
Anyone else, especially military have these types of issues or comments on how to reconnect, or is it basically a dead marriage that was ruined do to my service to the country and the burden I placed on her?
Thanks for any help/advise
7 comments
I was a stay-at-home mom to three, I’m not discounting for second how difficult it is, but she is taking advantage of you at the moment. You are separated, but under the same roof where she is able to go out with friends, not give you any answers about your future, and you are still taking care of things financially.
Needing time is fair, but she should be in individual counseling and you should be in marriage counseling. Unless you are leaving out important reasons it doesn’t sound like you have done anything to deserve being left in limbo.
I’m hurting for you just reading this. I really wish I had decent advice.
Have you two discussed terms of your separation? I know she says she’s not found anyone else, but from what I hear, odds of saving the marriage dramatically decrease once someone sleeps with someone else, so having an understanding if that’s on the table is important.
Another thing is that a separation doesn’t accomplish the same things if you’re living together & you’re still paying the bills. She’s not seeing what it’s like to be a single **working** parent. Not always, but sometimes experiencing that makes a person realize they may want to work on the marriage rather than calling it quits.
Good luck.
As far as I know i have been as open and transparent as I can be. I’m not controlling however she, has come along for the ride and didn’t get much of a say. It wasn’t because I forced her to but rather my job, both civilian and military was the sole provider for the household. Her income was supplemental. If she wanted to work she could, but if she didn’t because of her health then she didn’t have to. I know she keeps saying now that she feels like she didn’t have her career, or anything to show in life so far. Gave up her friends, when in fact they gave up on her, etc.
We have had our little arguments, and I’m learning now how to be an empathic listener and really feel her needs and troubles. Something I probably never did before. I did always put my job and work before the family. It was NOT intentional but rather just how I felt it needed to be to keep a roof over our heads. It wasn’t until recent discussions with her that I learned how badly hat hurt her as well.
I had my porn addiction that I stopped when she told me that it made her feel bad, and why did I need to do it if we were always having sex with each other. I stopped it damn near cold turkey.
She knows I’m faithful to the point that I don’t even look or talk to other women, I don’t want it to even look like I could be cheating or flirting.
I’m just at a loss on what to do besides starting to better myself through counseling. I know i can’t change her or manipulate her to love me, at the same time I know she needs help to, and I hate to see her like this and hate the fact I can’t help her, or hold her.
You both need IC and MC. That would be my first steps.
Talking everyday helps.
I’m looking into individual therapy now, and offered her the same but she doesn’t seem interested, couples therapy seemed like a big no from her as well. Honestly I would try anything to see her happy again and bring our relationship back together.
u/RecommendationOk4305, I’m sorry this is all happening to you, although I’m told that this is not uncommon. I’ve read through all the responses to your post and I’m sorry. A few thoughts:
1) You have many resourcess available to you while in the service as this is not an uncommone situation. Find a good Therapist (MFT) and talk through it.
2) Invite her in, or let her have her own therapist to work through her issues.
3) If you can both get through this, your intimacy level will be greater than you’ve known.
4) Minimize social media, gaming, YouTubes, and Messaging/Texting. Stop pornography all together, it’ll destroy you and your marriage totally.
5) It’s so worth trying to repair and get back together.