I just got off a phone call with my partner and I’m getting really in my head about her complaint that I don’t have many friends. I relocated to a new city about two years ago and began dating my now partner. My partner is a life-long resident of this city and has many, many friends. These friendships are very important to her. I knew nobody when I moved to this city, and have made a few “friends” in my time here but nobody of significance and it is starting to really grate on her.
As she explains it, she is feeling like it is too much pressure to be my only “friend.” She feels guilty for spending time with her friends because she feels like she should be spending it with me.
I do not feel the same way.
I do have friends. We’re not super close any longer because of the move, but I still text a few folks regularly.
I like spending time alone, and my ideal relationship would include at least three days of alone time. I like and look forward to that time by myself. My dream would be to spend 3 days a week with my partner and outside of that, quite frankly I don’t care who or what she spends her time on. I have no resentments about her wide friend circle. I have tried to express this to her but it is clear that we have differing ideas about the value of friendships; I can understand her perspective but it doesn’t feel like she values mine. She wants me to make friends and speaks in absolutes about the importance of friendships.
Unlike other adjustments I have made in this relationship and other relationships prior, this isn’t just something that I can decide to do and go do. Friendships have a lot of moving parts and it is not just up to me whether I make a new friend. I cannot go to the friend store and pick one up, or I would do that.
I have put out feelers and put myself out there with people I thought hey maybe they could be a friend and I haven’t had a lot of traction. This doesn’t make me feel good about myself and it especially doesn’t make me feel good to hear these comments from her about my lack of friends. It’s like a double-edged sword.
I have read a few other reddit posts about folks in this situation and I feel pretty justified in my feelings that this is a bit of an unfair ask. Am I missing something? She is an otherwise very understanding and compassionate person and I am a bit surprised that she is putting her foot down so hard about this topic.
Can anyone give me some guidance?
tl;dr I don’t have a lot of friends and I feel like that is okay. My partner doesn’t agree and it is not only causing tension in our relationship, but it’s making me feel badly about myself