Sorry in advance for any typos or ill formatting I’m on the mobile app!
My (24F) boyfriend (26M) and I have been together just over 4 years. We’ve had a bit of an up and down relationship. Things have happened but we’ve always taken the mentality of “we’ll get through it together”.
I want to prefix this by saying I love him a lot, the qualities he has are things I’ve lacked in previous relationships and I know relationships are about compromise and I just don’t know if these issues I’m about to state are the compromise for him being that good person I need.
We started dating when I was 19 and so things that didn’t matter when I was a teenager, now matter to me as I’m more of an adult.
One of the main things is hygiene. My boyfriend just all around struggles with hygiene. Which I didn’t know or really pick up on when we first started out dating but now I drive (he doesn’t drive) and see him more often I see his bad habits more clearly.
Things such as he regularly goes for periods without brushing his teeth or having a shower. Or he won’t wash his bed sheets for months on end. Or his room is always a mess.
I have addressed this several times whether it be via message when I’ve mulled over my words or in person conversations or when his parents have brought it up I’ve also added into the conversation. Things change temporarily but then revert back.
I’ve told him how his personal hygiene makes me not want to kiss him or do anything of that nature. How it could get me ill or how it’s a major turn off.
I always approach this issue of personal hygiene delicately because I don’t want to offend or hurt his feelings but when he’s complaining to me about a lack of intimacy I sometimes don’t have the heart to say I don’t want or I’m turned off because of his personal hygiene.
I’ve told him how his hygiene in terms of his bed sheets and room makes me second guess our future- I’ve outright said I see the mess and I think I don’t want to move in with you in the future cause will I just be cleaning up after you for the rest of my life. Or it makes me worried about when/if we live together.
For some context he does have depression (although medicated he often forgets) and is dyslexic. We’ve spoke about how he might be a little autistic, as we’ve said often everyone is.
He also lost his job in September – it’s the second job he’s lost in 18 months. He lost this job due to a disagreement in management. He lost his job before that due to bullying (he was bullied) and received a payout to leave.
By comparison I’m 24 and have spent the last 5 years working in finance working my way up the ladder. I have a lot of drive and hard work ethic which sometimes he doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t message or call loads in the day because I’m working.
I’ve accepted I’ll likely be the breadwinner in our relationship but I feel more and more demotivated about the future.
I’m also not saying my hygiene or anything is elite – I understand people forget to brush their teeth as I do from time to time, or I don’t have time to change my bed sheets but I aim for every week or two weeks. I also am not saying my room isn’t messy at times but I do clean up and try to maintain it. For contrast at times he’ll get mad that I’m not messaging him but I’ll be cleaning my bathroom, or hoovering my room or dusting my room which I do weekly. So there is a difference in our habits. I also have anxiety and depression (medicated for it). Just to give context as to myself as I’m not saying I’m perfect but I make a conscious effort even though I work everyday to clean and maintain hygiene.
I have cut him some slack because of him losing his job and I don’t want to pile in.
I did have a conversation about our timelines for the future a month ago and he said moving out is probably 5 years away, and kids is another 10 years.
Which I understand why he’s putting it so far away because he’s out of work currently and probably can’t afford to think too far ahead – but I don’t want to be 30 and living at home.
When I’ve had conversations in isolation about these issues things change temporarily for a weekend or two. But then revert back to the way it was.
I don’t know if this is just the compromise I have to make in this relationship or whether it’s time to reconsider. Or how I even approach a more serious conversation about these issues without hurting feelings
I just don’t know how to approach this conversation because I’ve brought it up periodically but very much tip toed around the issue for the sake of his feelings.
But I keep seeing posts on here or on TikTok and I’m just unsure what to do or how to address these concerns – because it seems harsh to break up with someone over hygiene but the overall situation makes me confused.
TLDR: My (24F) boyfriend (26M) has bad hygiene and lack of motivation for the future. No matter how many times I’ve discussed these issues things only change temporarily. How do I approach this situation?