My (39M) girlfriend (42F) of 1 year, dad died a 3 months ago. She’s terribly lonely and wants me to spend all of xmas with her. This will be the first xmas I’m not with my family. I obliged to do so, but my best friends are also having a small xmas event next Thursday. She doesn’t want me going.

46 comments

1. You need some serious boundaries and to stick to them. It’s not all about her.

2. I agree it’s not fair for her to push back against you visiting close friends on Thursday when you are spending all of Christmas thru New Years with her family.

   If you don’t set aside some space for yourself and set a limit, she will keep moving her goalposts

3. First issue- you started a relationship with someone just three months after coming out of a ten year relationship. You should really give yourself at least 12 months to heal, but that horse has bolted.

   This has very quickly become a very co-dependent relationship, which is never healthy.

   You either have to set clear boundaries e.g. your own time, meeting friends without condition etc.

   If you can’t set clear boundaries, you need to go to relationship counseling or press the eject button.

   Pressing the eject button is never easy, but if the situation is driving you insane now, ask yourself, will it improve.

   You owe it to yourself to grieve (the 10 year relationship) and heal. That’s much more difficult in the dynamics of a new relationship.

4. She moved way too fast for where you said you’re at. A fresh divorcee explicitly asking to take it slow should especially in no way shape or form have met the kids as early as it seems you did, because now they’re part of the inevitable breakup that’s on the horizon. Not fair of her to do that to them whatsoever.

   You say she’s understanding—but look at her actions, not her words. She is not letting you have time to process your own grief because hers has become the focus of the relationship. Instead of taking solace in each other she’s become a stressor in your life and someone who is waving one of the reddest flags there is, ie, reacting negatively when you wish to see your own social circle.

   Rethink this one, and if you date someone with kids again, know anyone responsible won’t have you meeting them until much, much later in your relationship.

5. This relationship started wayyyyyyyy too early.

   > I’ve routinely told her I need to take things slow and I’m still healing from everything.

   Yeah thats not working now is it?

   You’ve already set a precedent for how this relationship is going so its unlikely to change unless you make it.

   Whatever you decide, don’t distance your friends over this. It’s much harder to make life long friends at this age.

6. You have shown way too lax boundaries here. You’re not doing right by yourself at all. I strongly recommend you back out of this whole Christmas stay and go back to your place.

   You can still date her if you really insist, but you need to do a HARD reset on boundaries here.

7. She is waaaaaay too dependent on you. You have to be there for 11 days and try to prep for a very important interview and cant see your friends for an evening. No. Just no.

   You have a life too-you aren’t a houseplant. Gently tell her that you care about her but things are going faster than you said you wanted -as evidenced by her insistence you cant even go out for an evening with friends. You will be going out and you will be prepping for your interview form your own home-but yo will spend Xmas eve and day with her and the kiddos and are very much looking forward to it.

   She is going to suck the life out of you-she’s an emotional vampire. You need more space.

8. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 all over the place. She’s going to suck the life out of you.

9. OP, as everyone else has said, you definitely jumped into dating and a relationship much too soon after the divorce.

   Your girlfriend has proven herself to be the opposite of what you think she is. She’s actually bossy, self absorbed, and demanding. That doesn’t bode well for a future with her.

   Your boundaries have been broken and your request to move slowly has been ignored. It’s not moving slow if you taking one day to see your friends is a problem. It’s not moving slowly if she’s insisting that you need to spend every single moment of your vacation with her.

   You are becoming resentful of her behavior and it’s because she has become an albatross in your life. Unfortunately, I would say it’s time to take a gigantic step back from this situation. She wants an instant family, instead of allowing things to progress over time. I guarantee that at the end of the 11 days she would ask leading questions like, ‘OP, wasn’t the Christmas holiday so perfect?’ ; ‘You should move in so we can all be happy together every day.’; ‘We need to get married because we love each other and the children need the stability of a real family.’

   I’m gathering that in no way are you ready for things to proceed into cohabitation and marriage, so I think you need to stop this train of thought before it starts.

   My compromise to her would (if you decide you still want to be in the relationship, which I strongly suggest you reconsider) be that I am only staying over Christmas Eve/ Christmas Day and that I would come spend a couple of hours here and there. I would explain that while I want to be there for them, I also took time off for myself to relax and decompress. If she throws a tantrum, she is showing you who she really is.

   ETA: Just re-read the part about her sending the message this morning. Get out of this mess, OP. This woman is attempting to manipulate the hell out of you. How do you never spend time with her when you have spent practically half a week with her for the last several months and also consenting to stay with her 11 days? Not only that but she is telling you that you essentially need her permission to have a night out with your friends. OP, this woman is controlling and manipulative. Ask yourself what you would say to a friend telling you this story about his relationship.

10. You aren’t happy and that is honestly what matters. When I get to the point that everything annoys me and I tally the give and take, it’s time to take a step back. I would move back to your place, go see your family, study for your interview.

    You should have a conversation with her but can you without her kids present? Let her know that while you care about her, you have become resentful that everything you care about has to take a back seat to her wants and you need a break until after your interview.

11. This isn’t a healthy dynamic and started way too fast, esp with her kids involved to be over that much. You should have a sit down and re establish new boundaries.
    The only thing she has a leg to stand on here is you did change plans with her unilaterally (as stifling as the plans were ) and did go back on your word. So don’t overcommit to things with her if you stay as she will see it as you’re deadlocked to that plan. Good luck (my bf can be flakey so it hurts me but no we r not joined at the hip like you guys )

12. These are your choices. She’s asking, you’re granting the requests. I haven’t heard that she’s doing anything bad, like silent treatment or berating you if you say no. If she were then it’s an abusive relationship that you should leave.

    But this just sounds like you’re choosing to accept her request to stay at her place for a week. You decided to pay for her flights. You chose to be in this relationship.

    She’s never been any different than she is. She moved too fast since the beginning. You decided to stay with her.

    You knew very well what you got into. This is your life now. You’re welcome to break up with her, or continue to do whatever she asks.

    Totally your call. Now and every step of the way.

13. Since you are asking for opinions, I’ll give you mine. Respectfully, you have absolutely no business getting into a relationship with anyone 3 months after ending a 10 year marriage.

    Aside from the damage you are going to do the rebound person, you owe it to yourself to be single for a while to really work through lessons learned.

    You’re going to hurt this person, and yourself. She needs more than you can currently give. It’s just going to get worse. You are not being fair to yourself or this new lady. You aren’t healed, and you should be doing that on your own time my friend.

14. Are you planning to marry her? Otherwise stop getting these girlfriends who clearly want you to act as a husband

15. That’s a lot of words for saying your gf is selfish, controlling and dismissive of your needs.

    Look, you got together too fast after your divorce. You weren’t ready for something serious. What you need is a nice, long stretch of being alone – time to process your loss and figure out where you want to go next in life.

    I get that you think she loves you a bunch, but this is not even remotely what love looks like. You’ve been very kind and understanding with her, her needs and her grief. She has refused to extend you the same courtesy. This is all very one sided.

    Do yourself a favor and call it.

16. She is not the one. She’s trying to isolate you.

17. While I can understand her wanting your support during the holidays, it should not be expected that you turn your back on all other relationships.

    If she needs 24 hr a day support, she needs grief counseling. No one can be expected to fill the void of the loss of a loved one.

    In addition, it sounds like she’s trying to manipulate you into giving her what she wants. That’s not appropriate and should be a concern for the future of your relationship.

18. My god this woman is 42 years old. She doesn’t need to be acting like a teenager.

19. Her behavior is really unhealthy and it isn’t all due to the death of her father. You need to back away and set boundaries. If she won’t accept that then the relationship isn’t right for you.

20. You don’t sound compatible

21. This isn’t taking a relationship slow. You shouldn’t be staying this entire week at her house. Your gf is needy, pushy and controlling. You are not in a healthy relationship.

    You need to pump the brakes and hard. You need to start spending more time apart. More time with friends. Not every weekend with her. She is trying to hard to make you be a dad to her kids and a husband to her. You aren’t ready for that.

    You shoulder even be in a relationship right now. You got out of a 10 yr relationship and jumped right back into another relationship 3 months later. With ni time to grieve and heal. You really need to be single so you can heal from your last relationship and now this one. This woman isn’t good for you, she certainly isn’t healthy relationship material. She has 2 kids that you shouldn’t have met as soon as you did. She’s pushing you too fast. Which is why you feel insane and pressured.

    Bottom line, you need to break it off with this woman. She’s gotten more controlling as time has gone on, you spent entirely way too much money on this relationship and she will continue to want you to give up your friends and spare time to her. Already you’ve spent every weekend with her since you’ve started dating. You haven’t hung out with you friends in months and she says you didn’t clear it with her first? Nah she needs to go.

22. You need to be single. Getting into a relationship 3 months after your divorce is insane. You need time to yourself. Break things off.

23. I’m curious to know – did you tell her that it would be difficult for you to focus on your interview prep from her house? Because if you did, and she pushed that aside as if it’s nbd, that’s a whole nother red flag. Your job interview matters. Preparation matters. She should support this.

    Her attitude towards your christmas party with friends is obviously all wrong and unhealthy. You haven’t spent real time with them for months. She should support you there, too.

    Grief or not, she’s not the only person that matters in this relationship. She seems to have lost sight of that.

24. She sounds like she has an anxious attachment and wants you for herself. Sounds like she’s created a small world for herself and wants you to do the same.

    Ditching your friends for months sucks.

    You said you want to move slow but she clearly thinks you should be living together.

    This isn’t slow and she’s not being reasonable.

25. Unrelated to the point of the post OP, but please spend a LOT of time preparing for that interview. FAANG interviews are never a “99% done deal”, and are always a panel decision, specifically to prevent something like hiring a buddy and ensuring that all incoming candidates are very high level candidates.

    And on a related note, if you don’t crack the interview, don’t get discouraged. The average pass rate of FAANG interviews is <3%, and IIRC when I was hired, the average new hire for a first-time FAANG role interviewed 3 times.

26. Everything that others have pointed out aside, it really doesn’t sound like she is enforcing healthy boundaries with her kids which is another red flag to me.

    Inviting your partner of a year who wants to “take it slow” to spend all of Christmas with you and your kids is way too much too fast, and potentially opening them up to a lot of pain and hurt in the future. You should really not be having your kids spend meaningful time with your partner until further along in the relationship, ideally time-wise, but at least commitment-wise.

27. Kinda sounds like you don’t like her very much. Even the language you use tells me you resent her and having to be a partner. “Obliged”, “reluctantly agreed”… seems you don’t like her kids either. Her Dad just died and you would rather prepare for an interview that you’ve already been told is a done deal or spend time with your friends and not invite her. She deserves better tbh

28. OOF. Yeah I understand the rest and could see the situation from either point of view… Until the whining about you going out 1 night during a 2 week span.

    I think you need to have a “big talk” and question whether she can ever actually be happy with your time and attention. Is there really a situation where she’s not triggered and feels secure enough to be content?

    Bring up that it’s concerning she doesn’t see 10 nights with her and 1 with friends as a fair split, because that’s already a huge compromise from you. That you’re going to be miserable and resentful if you’re not allowed to have a life, and not to take your consideration of her circumstances as an opening to manipulate you. Because that’s what I feel like is happening here. You have been more considerate since her dad passed, and instead of being appreciative she sees an opportunity to establish a new norm of you needing permission for a night out.

    You can be gentle while still establishing a boundary that this isn’t how it’s gonna work.

29. She sounds like she needs to see a therapist. She is dealing with the loss of her father in a not so healthy way.

30. She’s not respecting your needs. I understand that she’s grieving but you’ve drawn your boundaries and she is continuing to push them. I think it’s time to walk away from this.

31. You need to set boundaries on having alone time and time with your friends or you will start to resent her so much until you no longer want to be in a relationship with her. Explain to her that it’s healthy to spend time away from each other in a relationship and it doesn’t mean you love her any less.

32. This relationship is not healthy and you both seem to be using one another as emotional crutches. If you think it’s too much, then you need to start speaking up and advocating or yourself in normal relationships.

    As to this relationship, I think you should end it. What boundaries you’ve tried to express (but don’t seem to have been enforcing) are reasonable and anyone who tries to bulldoze reasonable boundaries is a walking red flag.

    Add to that, you’ve only been dating this woman for a quarter of the year and she has two young children. They shouldn’t even have met you yet, let alone you staying in their home for days on end. That’s big red flag number two.

    I would extricate yourself and focus on your grief and healing.

33. this is a rebound and get out now.

34. She is lucky to have a supporting man such as yourself. She needs to work on her anxious attachment issues. Your work comes first! How else can you provide and support her. She must understand that. Regarding your party with friends, she should also understand that it’s healthy for couples to socialize without each other. I’m not saying that you should give her ultimatums but you should explain it to her, otherwise you’ll both end up resenting each other.

35. Man, this sounds like my clingy ex-girlfriend from college. The thing is, we were 20, not 40, so dealing with it now would be exhausting.

    It sucks for her, and it sounds like this is being exacerbated by her grief, which is horrible for her, to be sure, but you also need to stand up for your needs, and enabling her and caving all the time isn’t good for either of you.

    I think you should kindly but firmly put your foot down and draw some boundaries. Tell her you love her and are happy spending time with her, but you need time for yourself that isn’t being met. Having specific days for each allows you to provided your undivided attention and full focus to her when you are together.

    I would also encourage you to kindly but firmly push her to get some grief counseling or general therapy if she is being copedendent.

    You can have compassion for her without becoming a doormat and giving up too much of yourself. I did that before a long time ago, and I wouldn’t want to again. You will both be better off in the long run this way.

    Good luck.

36. is the ex wife located where you are visiting? that might be part of the issue

37. So you got into another relationship 3 months after your 10 yr marriage ended but you “want to heal and take it slow”.

    A human being isn’t like a show you can pause or just have on hold. Your gf is a very real person with her own needs and expectations. You’re actually just expecting her to hang around and be convenient to access when you need it.

    If the relationship isn’t working because of mismatched intentions then be fair to both of you and have a talk to clear the misunderstanding or end the relationship. No need to play silent victim. She’s not setting out to be malicious. She’s just in a different place to you with expectations.

38. I lost my mama at age 38 to cancer. It’s not easy losing a parent, but its the way of life unfortunately. My stepdad said, he’s quite pragmatic, it’s easier to lose a parent than to lose a child. I have two boys age 8 and 14 and I think he has a fair point. We’re just lucky to have had her in our lives for these 38 years. (My stepdad got to know her 36 years ago.)

    I’ll be downvoted to hell for this, but I’m quite practical. Grief and the loss of a parent is incredibly difficult but it can’t take over our every day lives.

    You should absolutely set firm boundaries here.

39. You my friend have the perfect opportunity to do the hard work of setting boundaries. Make it clear to her what you are offering, and that it does not include the days that you need to yourself that you can spend where and how you want to, and the party that your friend is throwing. She will not like it. Sounds like she will throw all kinds of manipulating bullshit at you to try and change your actions. So you need to be clear, and stand firm. If she gets upset and tries to draw out an argument about your statements, do not fall for that trap. You’ve said what you said, you offered what you have to give, and if she’s going to ruin that by throwing a fit over Running things that are not offered to her then that’s her problem.

40. No. That is too much. It sets the wrong precedent for a healthy relationship. This is something she needs a grief therapist for. Controlling her partner’s reasonable desire for a social life does not bode well.

    How she responds to your boundary will tell you what you need to know.

    71W here.

41. You have to take care of your own mental health too. You need friends, time with family, prep for job interview and as much alone time you want.

    Your gf is needy and you cannot fill her needs by forfeiting your own happiness. Having a relationship with a partner who has young children will be a drain on you no matter what. Kids just are.

    Take a step back from this relationship. Take care of you own needs. Your gf wants you to spend the amount of time and energy with her and her kids as if you were married. That’s not where you are at. You are not her husband and father to her kids.

42. She can’t go because she doesn’t have childcare? Then find some?

43. Very clingy an controlling

44. It sounds like you could benefit from having boundaries, and enforcing them.

    It sounds like she keeps asking for things, and without considering your own needs you say yes. Then you get frustrated (understandably so from your description).

    You did jump straight into this relationship. Was it so you did not have to be by yourself? And feel lonely sometimes? And you give the impression you enjoy spending time with her kids, but do you really like spending time with your girlfriend? Do you love her? You are going through all the motions of a relationship – and it’s still a young one, but you don’t seem to like her or the situation that much.

    What would you like out of life (you seem to have career goals and ambitions, so what are they outside of work?)? A nice career? A wife? Kids? So are you measuring it in things? Achievements? Or how you feel? I need my work to be challenging, fulfilling, fun. And my private life to bring be peace, joy, social company. Happiness. What brings it for me might change though.

    I hope you figure out what you’d like out of life, and with that out of the relationship you’re in. It’s quite easy to sit here and read your frustrated summary of situations you ended up in because you didn’t enforce any boundaries and say “break up with her”. But then again, those are so few situations, all by your own making, that only you have the full picture and what the answer should be.

45. Didn’t confirm with her? You live separately, you’re dating. You aren’t her property.

    I’d compromise…spend the holidays with her, do the friend gathering, and do your interview prep at your own place.

46. This is really hard. Im just like her at times with my bf. I dont ask him to do everything i feel like i need to receive because i dont want to suffocate him, because i am aware that my feelings are too demanding. It doesnt make it hurt less, but it keeps my relationship very good, it makes him not shut off and he is very supportive at important moments, and makes him want to spend more time with me, because i dont suffocate him.

    Despite all of that, it still hurts a lot of the time, but therapy has been helping a lot