So love was always a big deal for me (18M) , for long time since I was a kid I passively wanted and then actively pursued romantic relationship and always fantasized about loving someone and cuddling and all that stuff more than about sex. Finally after all these years I got a boyfriend (im pansexual) and ive been living a dream for the past month (we know each other for only a month but we spend a lot of time together). I always kinda feared sex (sigificant factor might been that I god only knows how got chronic prostate inflammation at the age of 14 and masturbation and orgasm always went along with pain afterwards, not great pain but still with some discomfort, Im seeing a doctor but its a wierd case) but also I always kinda saw sex as a defilement of a perfect pure love and relationship, I dont know why but it always kinda scared me, and now I have a boyfriend and we started doing stuff and Im worried Im going to destroy the pure affection with sex, I know it doesnt make a lot of sense but yesterday we were doing stuff and he gave me a blowjob and it was amazing, but I had a meltdown afterwards, we were cuddling and I just wanted to cry because I felt like I had destroyed our relationship with being horny, and I knew I didnt want to go home feeling like that so I told him that and we was really sweet and understood it but he told me that its not going to ruin our relationship or anything like that and that i shouldnt worry about that and its just a step towards more serious relationship. Obviously i havent done it before so Im also kinda stressed and I dont know a lot of stuff. Telling him this made me feel a lot better and Im happy he understood and didnt think Im weird or something. But I still dont know why I feel like this, sex should strengthen your bond not destroy your relationship right? So I dont know why do I think that, currently Im at the stage that “if our relationship survives that it can survive anything” lmao I know its irrational but I really dont know why I feel that.