My fiancé (M52) and I (F43) have been together for 9 years. I love him with my whole being but I can’t make that leap into marriage with him because I feel he’s irresponsible.
I’m here to hear others opinions and see if I’m the one being unreasonable or not.
A little back story first- when we met he had nothing, lived in a studio apartment and worked a normal low income job. I was in the middle of a divorce and lived with family until our house sold. I own an online business working from home.
When I received the money from selling my home I decided to buy a tiny home on wheels and we both had agreed to live in it for 5 years and save to eventually buy a bigger home.
5 years later it was time and when I brought it up to him and said “we need to start looking because home prices are rising and I’m afraid we will miss our chance.” I asked how much he has saved up and he had nothing saved up.
Keep in mind that I didn’t have him pay anything while living in the tiny home with me. Nothing! Plus he even got a better paying job working as a mailman.
Of course I was so upset over this but still managed to push through and find us a home to buy. I put the down payment down and he got the loan in his name. The home is in both our names.
I found out in those 5 years he was buying stuff and sending it to his storage unit or having his coworker (mailman) keep his stuff aside and took it to his storage unit after work.
He’s a collector of many things. Records, hot toys figures, silver coins, guitars, guitar pedals, steelbook movies, anime figures, magic cards, Godzilla….the list continues to grow as we’ve been together.
So here we are today, living in our home. 2 years ago he got a better paying job making almost 6 figures a year. The more money he makes the more money he spends. He has his own room to display his collection.
I’ve always been weird about his spending habits because it really hurt me when he didn’t save anything to go towards our future and I felt used those 5 years.
I’m a saver, the more money I make the more money I save kinda person. Well this year (2023) my business made 1/4 of what I have in the past and I have been living off my savings this whole year pretty much. I even had to go get a job as a waitress because I’m stressed to the max and pretty much tapped out.
*we both split everything when it comes to bills*
About 3 months ago he realized I’m stressed and started paying my portion of the mortgage and pays for all the groceries in the house. That has helped me tremendously.
Yesterday he got a figure in the mail ($250), 4 records ($150), anime figure ($75) to add to his collection. (He gets stuff in the mail almost daily-I’m NOT over exaggerating)
We got invited to a surprise bday party from his daughter for a semi famous lead singer in a band, a band he loves. Before I headed off to work we both decided what we can give him for his bday which cost nothing for him because I found these items (valued $150) out of my inventory from my business.
We agreed that’s what we would give him.
Went to work, made $75 because it was slow and when I got home he told me he ordered another gift for the bday guy ($75). I just wanted to cry. I work my butt off so I can pay my bills, I do nothing for myself. I just want to survive at this point and he just keeps spending.
Question- am I wrong for always feeling hurt or anger when he spends his money like it’s no big deal? It has always bothered me but I have dealt with it because I love him.
Now I’m starting to feel resentment, and bitterness towards him.
I worked 5 hours and made $75 and he blew $75 in 5 minutes. Plus all that other stuff he got in the mail too.
Note: he has about 5k in savings, he pays his bills, he has no retirement plan, no insurance, no investments.
One slip at work would put him debt. He doesn’t think about his future at all and he’s now 52 years old. He hasn’t seen a doctor in about 3 years now.
I have expressed my opinion, views, and concerns with his spending habit many many times and he only get defensive and angry with me when I bring it up. I now keep it to myself and deal with it.
TL;DR; fiancé spends too much money all while I’m stressed trying to pay my bills. Am I wrong to feel bitterness or anger over it?