TLDR: I’m at a loss for how I should deal with my mom. All the baggage from previous experiences makes it difficult to ask her to stop.
I’m currently job searching and doing whatever I can reasonably do every day. I try to keep myself in high spirits to not lose hope, especially in this economy. Whenever I bring up my job searching, my mom almost always gives me feedback. It feels like she’s invalidating everything I do whenever she nags me to do this, or that. Makes me feel like I can never measure up, which is why I often hide things from her. We were very close, but it meant we had to make things work for each other, which burned both of us out. Now, I’m doing my own thing, and she does hers. It’s great. But whenever I bring up something, I am risking it being torn down by my mom who often doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong, and if I bring it up to her, she blows up on me and blames me for not accepting who she is. Then she berates me andmakes it all my fault. I have to really go out on a limb to explain why I think a certain way and she’s only now becoming more open to me explaining myself.
I’m not sure how to untangle this mess. I’m a functioning adult with a lot of feelings who overthinks things and goes through and reels my mind back in to a more realistic scope. My mom is honestly really scary, and she’s admitted it several times. She is super judgmental and harsh. People at work don’t like her for that reason. And it’s especially disheartening when she brings that kind of attitude to me. I’m scared to share anything with her, and if I do, I have to be ready for her to tear it all apart and make me feel bad. So I end up just not sharing with her.
But then she nags me all the same and she’s told me to tell her if she’s nagging, but I’m afraid to do that as well.
All of this certainly does not help my suicidal thoughts that come up quite often. And another thing, when I brought up my suicidal thoughts to my mom, she actively encouraged me to go through with it and do it. Like seriously, not playing around. She said go for it. She thinks I’m manipulating her and was adamant about me not manipulating her.
I’m honestly just not sure what to do. I’m not sure if this is the correct sub to talk about this but it seemed like the right one. I’m going to see therapy soon, but until then, I’m not sure how to feel, how to ask my mom to stop nagging me, to stop being so…I don’t know, harsh? Can I even do that? Would doing that just bring even more berating and accusations from her?
I feel more comfortable talking with a neighbor than her. It’s overwhelming, and it’s scary that something so small in others’ eyes can be so tangling and twisting for someone like me. Is there something wrong with me?