Me ( f23) cheated on my bf (m21) after he put his hands on me so he can initiate the breakup
I first of all, I was never a cheater because I have been cheated on in the past and I know how it feels. The hurt, pain , lost of trust, etc.
I have been dating my boyfriend ( let’s call him A ) for a year now. I’m 23 and he’s 21. Long story short , all relationships aren’t perfect but he had put his hands on me and for me that’s a relationship breaker. I told him that the reason I broke up w my ex of 5 years was because he was constantly hurting me physically , emotionally and mentally.
Me and A’s been together for a year, I love him and we obviously have our ups and down. But for the last 4 months our relationship has just been going downhill main reason is because I’ve been wanting to break up with him since he already put his hands on me.
Every time that happens , he apologizes and I take him back because I obv. Have a lot of feelings and love for him still but at the same time I know I can’t be w someone who already put their hands on me. I explained to him that we can’t be together rn and that we both need to work on ourself first. He was never accepting the break up, so in his mind we’re still together , but in my reality, I was done. Although , I still have a lot of love for him. But I have to love myself more.
Anyways , let’s insert Boy B. We’ve been talking for 2 months now and he treats me wayyyy better than both my ex and boy A. He’s a gentleman , sweet and very respectful. I invited him a day after me and Boy A had a big ass argument and thought that that would be the end of it. I thought its the final break up after all the failed break ups with him. Fast forward , I ended up kissing Boy B, and it got heated. He pulled out a condom and I was about to have sex with him and I was on top but I stopped my self and explained to him my situation. I was being honest and he was very understanding and didn’t force me to do anything at all.
A week later I had to go back to Boy A house to get my car since he was working on it , we ended up kissing and getting back together, BUT I told him that k feel that this is wrong and that we should let each other go and that we’ll be good as friends but again , he said that what’s best for us is to stay together. So I’m still with him. Yesterday he found the condom wrapper in my room and I told him about Boy B. I’m 100% sure he thought we had sex but I don’t blame him. The most confusing thing to me is that I told him that we can’t be together , it won’t be the same. And he still wants to be with me. I told him that he should break up with me and he deserve better and a love where no one will hurt each other.
I still love boy A a lot , but boy B has been making me happy. I also limited my conversations and in person meet up with boy B because I don’t think it’s fair for anyone and I don’t want to be with two guys at once. But I feel like I wanted to give boy B a chance since boy A already had it and he messed it up but I take accountability of my own actions.
TL;DR : I feel so guilty and hurt as well because I hurted boy A by bringing boy B in the relationship but again I wanted to break up with him anyways because he hurted me physically and I can’t move past it. But I think I have attachment issues because I still like Boy A.
I don’t know how to make him understand that one relationship isn’t good and that it will never go back to normal, I need advice. Thanks