My husband and I have been together for the longest. We were high school sweethearts even if we broke up several times. Got pregnant with our first child at 20 and we got married. We’re 5 years in to our marriage now, and after everything I feel numb. We have 3 kids and he’s an amazing father but throughout the years he’s cheated on me multiple times. He’s made secret accounts before and blocked me on it so I would never come across it and paid for several dating apps. I would only catch him after a while cuz he’d get lazy hiding it. Each time he got caught his excuses would be that I wouldn’t give him attention he wanted, I’ve been ASAHM since we had our first child so I’ve been the default parent and I cook and clean and keep the house looking decent. I’ve been pregnant most of our marriage since we’ve had 3 beautiful babies, I don’t get well in the mood while pregnant and he never liked that. I’m home 24/7 with kids, I don’t go out, I don’t have any friends left, I can’t even go to the bathroom without announcing it and most tasks I have to ask him if he can help. It’s been so long that at this point I’m out of tears, I’m tired of constantly explaining to him that I’m hurt and how to act in our marriage. I’m super embarrassed by him it’s gotten to a point that I feel so numb. When he’s good it’s nice but idk if it’s sincere and when it’s bad it’s BAD. We could go weeks without talking and it would still end up being my fault somehow. He hates how much I feel about everything and how it affects me so if he does something that makes me feel someway he’ll automatically say “feelings don’t matter cuz they are not what really happened” I can be mad that I’ve been asking for attention and he claims he’s too tired but he’s got all the energy in the world to play video games til late on the same day.if I bring up how he just stayed up all night playing but told me he was too tired to watch a movie with me then I turn into the asshole that doesn’t care about him. I really do love him and appreciate him as the father of my kids but as a partner he’s not fully understanding me. We still have sex very often but it isn’t even the same anymore. Sometimes I just want to go back to talking to people, but I’m genuinely too afraid to mess it up and have him fuck up even more. I’ve tried to get a divorce and he use to go crazy but now it’s like he’s just say I can go if I want and then turn suicidal while I’m gone.. I’ve wanted to work on my marriage and it feels like I’m the only one that’s been doing so but now it feels more important to work on myself and he sees it as me not putting much effort in our relationship.