Hey y’all.
My \[34f\] husband \[48m\] got laid off 7 months ago. He’s been searching for work since, mainly by submitting online applications via job boards & LinkedIn, and contacting local staffing agencies, to no avail. His former job was working at a small start-up in a WFH position, and he’s been adamant about finding something similar, though is starting to understand the local & in-person options will likely be more realistic in the short term.
He did have a temporary offer working deliveries during the holiday season, but that was rescinded due to a speeding ticket on his record for 26+ MPH over the limit, which he got in August. He paid a lawyer friend $200 to help him get that expunged, only to get another speeding ticket just a few weeks ago.
For this most recent ticket, he didn’t tell me that he was cited—he simply paid the $180 ticket using our joint credit card (which I pay in full while he’s unemployed) and I found out via the CC statement. It was only then that he told me about the ticket. IDK if he would’ve told me had I not seen the charge.
Now, he’s required to take a driver’s safety course so as to not get his license suspended. He got indignant when I asked him to pay for $40 from his own money.
Add to that, my husband is chronically depressed and has a history of severe substance use disorder (8 years sober). He attends weekly SMART meetings but I’m not sure what else he does beyond that. He’s also a recent empty-nester and both of his parents (mid 70s) are in failing health. He has few friends to call on for support. I’ve been his primary emotional support through all of this.
Prior to being laid off, the depression was a bit more well-managed (it still came out as irritability, criticism/judgment, excessive daytime sleepiness, etc) but it’s been a rollercoaster for the past several months. When it’s bad, part of his depression can come across as having narcissistic traits, since he’s prone to a more selfish approach to things, criticism of myself and others, big fluctuations in mood, and emotional blackmail (primarily talking about how much he’s suffering and how I contribute to it / implying that I need to do things a certain way or agree with him to soothe his emotions).
He has implied that me focusing on things that bring me happiness is a detriment to his mental health and a potential contributing factor for him to relapse in the future.
When he’s in his more depressed states, he will talk often about how everything is going wrong in his life, everything in his life is broken/falling apart, how I am so distant from him and how abandoned/left behind he feels. He talks about how he’s putting in so much effort (into the job search, our relationship, etc) and getting no returns.
Rather than feeling drawn in to comfort and care for him, I feel more and more distant and put off by him.
And yet, I feel this huge sense of guilt in even thinking about initiating a separation (both in our living spaces and in our finances). Every time I try to establish some healthy distance for myself, he accuses me of abandoning him and leaving him behind. He says he feels empty without me around. He’s told me that he is angry at how much he feels he needs me.
I know he is financially dependent on me, which makes this even harder. I don’t want to leave him in a lurch, and I know that if I stay as things are, my own mental and physical health will continue to deteriorate. I don’t know how to proceed.
I’m scared he’ll fall apart and become even more depressed, relapse, or just fail to launch on his own.
Help.
**TL;DR**: My husband is long-term unemployed (7 months), severely depressed, and emotionally/financially dependent on me. I want a separation yet feel massive guilt around this. I’m looking for insight/advice/feedback on how to overcome the guilt of initiating a separation from someone who is at a severe low point in their life and claims that I am one of the only good things left.
**EDIT**: There are some folks who are making the assumption that I’m looking for separation just because he’s unemployed and a little sad and needing some TLC, and that I’ve done little or nothing to work on the issues. I didn’t include a lot of context because honestly, who has time to read about 6 years’ worth of dynamics leading up to this point? But I’ll add some context here, to be helpful:
* He’s actually gotten THREE speeding tickets in the past 6 months, but the first was while we were traveling overseas and using a rental car. That one hasn’t had an effect on his driver’s license here in the state—though we did get billed by the rental company, of course.
* We are polyamorous and opened our relationship *PRIOR TO* getting married. During an earlier difficult time, he used the threat of having “unalive myself” thoughts and “relapse on alcohol” threats to convince me it was my job to end pre-existing connections with others. He’s done that again this time around. He’s also said it’s only fair for him to have unrestricted access to dating others while I should restrict myself, because I’ve had the types of experiences he wants but hasn’t had (i.e. longer-term relationships).
* In his poly pursuits, he’s had multiple ONS/situationships, as well as some folks he wanted to date longer-term but who declined him. He has pursued relationships with women of all ages, but the ones he’s been most interested in having a longer-term relationship with are younger than me by at least 5 years, if not more.
* I was the one who initiated couple’s therapy two years ago. He agreed without complaint, and the majority of our work has been around addressing conflicts about how to manage household division of labor and our finances. Polyamory has come up but hasn’t been the central focus for the entire two years. Our main conflicts around division of labor and finances are STILL conflicts.
* My couple’s therapist has suggested I take on the role of “wing woman” for my husband in his polyamorous pursuits, essentially helping him take nice profile photos, review & edit his profiles for him, find events & groups for him to join, give him the “seal of approval” so other women can see “he’s not a jerk,” etc. All of which I have done.
* Other solutions for division of labor and finances have been chore charts, creating plans for how to handle things when he’s depressed or overwhelmed, setting up every-other week relationship check-ins with the two of us, doing “love tank” check ins, etc. I’ve agreed to all of this, as has he. There have been varying levels of success with these interventions.
* This is not the first time I’ve supported him in unemployment. He was laid off at the beginning of the pandemic (March ’20, food service—of course not his fault) and was living with his parents. I moved across the country that July to be with him and start our life together at that point, and found a job by Sept. I used my savings to buy us furniture from IKEA and to move us into a rental by October, so we weren’t living with his parents long term. He was unemployed until January ’21, and got his job through a network connection I had to a former employer who was looking at the time.
* In addition to paying for pretty much everything while he’s been unemployed this time around (even though he’s had unemployment benefits, which ended a few weeks ago), I offered to keep supporting him & us financially were he to decide to finish his associates degree, which he basically ended up rejecting because “it wouldn’t be worth it” or he’d have to “start all over at the bottom” He has a HS diploma and is a few credits shy of his associates; no other specific trainings, credentials, career path, etc.
* I’ve also offered to foot the bill for him to spend an extended weekend down in the town where his son goes to college so they can have quality time together—being apart from his son is something he has stated is really making his depression worse. He’s not yet taken me up on that offer.
* I have helped him with almost every request he’s had during his job search: giving feedback on resumes and cover letters, sharing relevant job postings when I find them, talking about interview tactics, cheering him on when he’s landed interviews, trying to find opportunities through my network. I’ve even let him know I’d back off and not intrude if he found it too micro-managey. You know, all the normal stuff a partner might do to help in this situation.
* Him working on getting jobs has largely been sending out resumes in the morning/early afternoon to a few places each day, then getting on with the rest of his day like napping, going to the gym, swiping & chatting on dating apps, reading, cooking, etc.
* When I don’t do things around the house in a way he sees as correct—even if I am taking the time to manage my own tasks, complete chores, deep clean, etc—he will not hesitate to tell me how I’ve done it wrong. He will say things like, “When you do/don’t do XYZ, it makes me feel unloved.”
* I run two businesses that I started; one of his complaints is that I give too much to the businesses and not enough to him, even though I have drastically cut down on the amount of time I spend in the businesses as compared to when I started them (two years ago), and my work days are largely confined to Tues-Fri between 10am and 4pm when he would be looking for jobs anyway.
* My feeling “put off” is due to feeling a rather consistent level of demand from him to caretake him emotionally, sexually, and financially, while frequently being told it’s still not enough and that he feels alone.
That’s not everything, and of course this is filtered through my perspective because that’s all I have.