I’m 18M and I’ve been going through a break-up for the past three weeks with my 19 y/o partner. It’s a long-distance relationship which is always fun to maintain, but it was only a 100-mile distance so we could visit each other if wanted. I don’t think originally we expected our relationship to last as long as it did as we met on Bumble, but things really clicked. This person was going through a very stressful time in their life and just gave a handful of red flags, as did I, but I wanted so badly to help them. Eventually, after two weeks, our friendship evolved into a relationship, and then nine months passed. We had arguments, but I think we really just used to confide in each other until I slowly stopped showing how much they meant to me. The love was truly there, but it didn’t show.
Three weeks ago now, it started with them saying they feel so alone and didn’t know if they were happy. I convinced them to stay in the relationship as I wanted to be that person they could confide in again. Three days after that, I opened my big mouth and said, “How come now that I have time, we aren’t talking as much?”, to which they said, “I don’t know” “I don’t think I can come Monday.” Somewhere in my heart, I knew that it was gonna be detrimental to their well-being. They essentially said that it wasn’t fair to me to be in a relationship where they couldn’t devote any time to me. I really didn’t care about myself at that point and wanted to do anything I could for them, thus in the process forgetting who I even was. All my work for naught as I can’t force someone to take my help, but as anyone would, I had questions as time went on.
I wanted to blame myself for EVERYTHING. “This wouldn’t have happened if you were there,” “Why weren’t you there in person more?,” “You didn’t even try and understand them anymore,” “You treated them like sh\*\*, why would they wanna be with you anymore?” I couldn’t think of any answers that weren’t just me taking all the blame, I was fractured and I couldn’t pick up the pieces of myself anymore. Who else knows what I’m going through that I can talk to? Who else, but my partner?
I messaged them and the conversation eventually turned into an agreement that we’d try again two months later. I didn’t know if I was gonna be able to do it so all I could do was wait. The next day I messaged them asking how this was gonna work and we established that I’d messaged them once to twice a week. It wasn’t much, but it was something. I control myself for five days before I message them and yet again opening my big mouth I ask, “Do you still wanna wait two months?” They replied with the dreaded “I don’t know” which turned into “No, I’m sorry for sending mixed signals.” I just lost it. It was like someone snatched an essential piece of my survival away. I spilled all my guts saying how much I love them and how much they meant to me only to hear that they didn’t wanna talk. The next time we talked I was trying so hard not to hurt them by telling them how hurt I was just so I could keep talking. They told me we could talk about anything, but our relationship. Everything I said was basically I don’t know what to do without you. Everything I was hearing was, “It’s your first heartbreak, it’ll get easier,” but it wasn’t getting easier at all. Eventually, they told me it was too hard to talk to me and they were done for now. I asked if they ever wanted to talk after this and they said yes to which I asked why even and they, “Because you’re part of my life.” This answer would lead a lot of my decisions. I waited a bit longer before messaging them again and I was just telling them how I was moving and what not all for them to say nothing. Eventually, I sent a meme saying, “Dear bug, I wrote, but you ain’t responding.” This somehow got a response of all things, the response being: “I can’t do this anymore with you.” I had no clue what that even meant and just felt like talking was the bare minimum of things we could do. It was at this point that my sadness and desperation turned into frustration.
All this time I had been talking with my friend who seemed to understand a lot of my frustration while I kept justifying my partner’s actions saying they were just going through it. I didn’t realize for a while that this is just a reason and that it doesn’t excuse it, I now feel like I deserve a simple conversation about what and who we are even if it didn’t lead to any conclusions, I felt that it was worth a try, they did not share this same sentiment. I felt that I was never going to get this conversation I desired day and night so even though I tried to hold myself back since it was Christmas, I failed. I didn’t exactly spill my guts, but I did say all that was on my mind telling them that I didn’t think they were ever goign to want to talk about us and that I was there to say all the things I needed to say. Of course, all “read” yet no response. The next morning I asked what was gonna happen and they said, “I don’t think we can talk this out, I’m not changing my mind about us.” To me, it felt like this just proved how much confusion there was from not talking. By this point I was trying to accept a reality where we may never get back together and they still thought that’s all I wanted, “Just goes to show all the confusion that could be cleared up if we just talked,” I thought to myself, yet again biting my tongue. I explained that I wasn’t trying to convince them to be in a relationship they didn’t wanna be in and asked if we could still be friends. They said they’d be open to it, but that they wouldn’t encourage much communication to which I agreed only to send them a reel on insta three days later. I said, “sorry couldn’t help myself,” “Too soon?” My messages were met with the indirect answer of “no I just don’t have to reply to every message.” You could reply to any message to show me you care about having a friendship.
Few more days passed then I decided I just needed to stand up for myself and it’s time to end this for myself one way or another. I told them that I couldn’t be friends if it meant that we were just gonna ignore that we were ever in a relationship. Needless to say, this did not bode over well. No response without asking for one as per usual and when I did get one it was,
“I’m reading all of it and I have no thoughts I don’t think we should talk.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to talk.”
“Then why would you wanna tell me you wanna be friends.”
“Because I thought we weren’t gonna talk much for awhile”
“Awhile is very different from never”
“I just wanna know if you’re ok and it just feels like everything I’m saying is being ignored, you understand why I feel like that right?”
“I can but you’re also not respecting the fact that I want space.” “You’re not just telling me that you want space.”
“I don’t have time nor energy to go back and forth with you and write essays trying to explain how I feel when that won’t change anything.”
“You don’t know that it won’t change anything and I’m not asking for a lot, just a simple sign that you can hear me because I’m a human with feelings too.”
“I am reading your messages, I am not responding to them.”
“I don’t know that.”
“I’m telling you that.”
“Only now that I’m asking.”
“I’m done talking to you.”
“I just don’t know why.”
“I don’t need to explain the reason behind every single thing to you. Sometimes you just have to accept these things.”
“This is something in my control thought that we can talk about, I’m not even asking for a conversation anymore just acknowledgment because I’m sitting here being constantly eaten away and yeah I’ll have to learn to deal, but a sign doesn’t hurt.”
“I want you to give me space. I want you to move on. I’m not trying to forget but I can’t hold onto it forever because that’s not how this works. I don’t know what you want from me but whatever it is I can’t give it to you.”
“You give me hints and leave me to wonder, this is the first time you’ve outright just said it. I pry because you leave things open like I’m just supposed to know while I’m still in the middle of putting myself back together.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell you to give you closure.”
“There’s no closure, there never will be and I know that, I just don’t want all these negative feelings being left behind.”
“So what do you want me to say? Ask your questions and I’ll try to answer them.”
“I don’t need or want you to say anything, I’m just so in love with you and I care so incredibly deeply for you. I want nothing more than for you to be happy and if it takes me leaving then so be it. I’m sorry, but I needed you to see me and know that I’m still here.”
no response
“Can we still talk at some point?”
“We can talk casually at some point.”
“I hope we can one day come to each other as new better people with a better understanding of ourselves and just reflect on all of this. You have my number if you ever need help. Goodbye.”
Notes:
All of this is paraphrased and it’s just back and forth starting with them.
A few hours pass and I go to my friend’s work to talk with him about it and God what he had to say next. “I was just talking with my gf about this, I’ve been thinking about it all day and you won’t believe what they sent to me.” For context, my friend’s gf and my partner were semi-friends. It was a picture of our private messages on their spam account. I felt extremely embarrassed and just overall betrayed and couldn’t even say anything to my friend for a bit. He then said, “This just pisses me off cause there’s not anything wrong with the messages.” The comments were “Why not just block him?” and the replies were, “I already blocked his number, I’m gonna block his insta next.” What in the actual fu\*\*?! If that were true then they should’ve just blocked me so much sooner rather than telling me “it’ll get easier” and “I’d be open to being friends.”
I wasn’t gonna let this just go for the sake of keeping things calm. I promptly texted my partner even after I said goodbye saying, “I hope you know that I can’t just put my love in a box and everything that I did I did because I loved you no matter how hard that may be to believe. Don’t be disrespectful or rude just because things aren’t ending the way you wanted, don’t be like me. Especially if you’re not willing to say how you feel to me directly. I think it’s very inappropriate that you showed my heartfelt messages to your spam because those messages were for you and you only. I get that you need to talk to other people, but posting it is not cool. I hope in the future, if we ever talk again, that we can both be more mature people as well.” They apologized about the post, I don’t know if they ever took it down, I don’t care anymore. I said that I appreciated their apology and my friend just looked at me and said, “Don’t matter, too little too late my friend.” I told them I was gonna block them as not to tempt myself into texting again, but that they were still free to call me if they were in trouble.
Now it’s the aftermath, what’s left? Now I have to find myself in general again and it feels like I’m questioning my every move; asking myself, “I am really doing this to better myself or do I think this will get me back together with them?” It’s certainly a struggle, but I think it’s worth asking myself. I forgive them for it all because I figure no one’s perfect and people make mistakes, they didn’t do any of this to hurt me, but it doesn’t excuse ignoring everything I’m saying and just letting me bleed out slowly. I want to keep fighting for them, be a person deserving of another chance, but I feel like I’m doing it all just to try and get back together with them. I want the next time we meet to just be new, to be open and accepting and if we fall back in love, then let it be as new people willing to put in the effort, if not, I have to live with that. So do I keep fighting and if so, how?
P.S.
I’m pretty sure I’m not even asking for advice, I think I’m just writing to myself to see how I percieve the situation, but please feel free to answer and I’ll try and respond.