my boyfriend of a year and some share an email account and I found something accidentally that I don’t know what to do about
we have an email that we use for our “extracurriculars”, like our accounts on dating sites and doublelist and things like that. I have recently gotten a new phone so it’s not been top priority to put that email on my phone, but I got around to it and saw we had some spam emails, so I was cleaning out the junk emails, and I saw a draft email that I definitely didn’t do.. no subject or recipient, but the email itself said “just looking for some m to m fun”
I’m f and openly bisexual. he is straight (I thought) and has expressed no type of desire to have any males involved on his end, so what the fuck do I do!? do I ignore it? Do I acknowledge it and address it with him?
32 comments
It sounds like you can’t ignore it, since it’s clearly bothering you. I’d say address it with him.
Could be that he’s still figuring it out. Maybe thought he might be that way inclined and then decided against it.
If you talk to him and see if he’s ever found a guy attractive, that might prompt him to open up. I wouldn’t directly address it though as he’s likely to be very embarrassed by the email (hence why it was a draft only).
Its purely sexual most likely. No romance. And just doesnt want to lose you so he doesnt tell. Thats it. More guys do it (obviously) and dont tell. Its sad really people just cant be free to do what they want without fear of losing others.
I’d leave it for now. Bringing this up could push him away. Doesn’t feel like a conversation that will go well at all. Of course you wonder if he’s cheating now. Well that’s easy. You have evidence to go on which makes spotting further red flags easy. If the idea is something you want to explore because you’re down with it, tread lightly. Obviously he’s not ready to discuss it. Do you watch porn together? Maybe you can use that to gauge his reaction to male on male stuff. Obviously watch something that also involves a female so he doesn’t think “why does she have me watching gay porn?” If it’s something you’re not down for, then maybe you just want to bring it up now. Good luck
Can I ask does it bother you he feels that way?
An email could sit in drafts for years, honestly, so address it, but be aware that it could be very old.
There are a lot of super relevant details you’ve left out, like do you guys play separately (in which case this is a violation of that boundary potentially), are you uncomfortable that he’s never said anything to you about this, or are you unsure how to feel about him possibly having some sexual interest in men?
Assuming he hasn’t crossed any boundaries you’ve set and this would’ve been ok, just not something you were aware he was interested in, you could just tell him that you saw a draft e-mail that he clearly wrote when you loaded the account, you left it there because you don’t want to overstep, and you’d be happy to talk about it if he wants, but it’s ok if he wants to keep that to himself for now. Also, reassure him that you don’t see him any differently and love him just the same.
Honestly, he might’ve just gone down a porn rabbit hole one day and caught himself before starting down that path.
I would not ignore it. He may be bi, curious, or questioning. I would try to be as understanding as you can be when discussing. I hid my bisexuality for years before I came out.
Is he breaking any boundaries? Like this isn’t cheating right? I’d bring it up and just let him know you are there to talk about it as much or as little as he wants.
Maybe bring up him like you think it would be hot being with two guys or seeing him with someone else, something like that to test the waters to see how he responds. If it’s positive, maybe don’t mention the email and just encourage him to explore that desire openly or with you. But letting him know it’s okay. Or even talk about your bisexuality (again) or bring up a ‘friend’ with a similar scenario to test the waters. You don’t want him to get defensive and feel like he’s doing anything wrong. Him doing it behind your back/ not being truthful is wrong but his desire to explore or be uncertain his sexuality is not wrong. This is a toughy, best of luck!
“Hey, saw this email while cleaning out the spam folder. I hope you know you can talk to me about it if you want. If not then I’ll let it be.
But I’m open to conversation”.
I mean if you care about him you should talk to him right?
Of course you talk to him about it
How would u want him to handle it if he found something with u . Sex or something that happened even before y’all got together. Just think about if it was u. And go with what u feel is right.
What you do really depends on how you feel about him wanting to explore with other men. Is that something you’re open to him doing?
Just break up . It doesn’t matter if he’s bi. He was clearly m wanting to cheat .
Just ask him
If this a fairly recent email I’m sorry how isn’t this an attempt to cheat. You find an email about looking to have sex with other men? What?
Maybe bring it up as an idea rather then an I saw it.. see how he reacts and maybe be positive about it
An obvious confrontation
If it’s from an email account that you both share for the purposes of extracurriculars, then it’s fair game to address it with him directly. So don’t ignore it.
Ignore it don’t give a shit about it is all I’d say .
Unimportant, since ya guys most probably will break up in the future
This might sound crazy but once upon a time I worked for one of the largest email providers in North America if not the world, and my job was to basically read random people’s emails and look at other info to determine whether the account was legitimate, compromised (used to be legit but got hacks, then used for spam or whatever), or abuse (created for the explicit purpose of spam, etc)
Nobody on this earth would ever believe how common this stuff is where dudes, often married dudes, are hooking up with guys on Craigslist or other services “on the down low,” as it’s called. I would see them talking about their wives being out of town for the weekend, the whole 9 yards. I am now convinced that a huge (maybe up to 20%) of guys either have fucked guys (oral, anal, etc. or mutual masturbation), still do it, or would do it if the right opportunity arose.
I mean, no hate–everyone is free to do what they want with their body. Although I do find it a bit shitty to go behind a spouse’s back like that. In college I took a class about global health issues and one day we had a guest speaker who was a woman probably about 50 years old who had HIV which she contracted from her husband. He had already died of AIDS by the time she talked to our class, but she said he fessed up about the fact he’s been sleeping with prostitutes secretly (statistically the odds are MUCH higher that he caught it from a male prostitute than a female one, but it could have been either and she didn’t specify). She got “lucky” and got into a drug trial while her infection was still less established, but her husband couldn’t be saved. She was diagnosed in the 90’s if memory serves.
Point being, you are risking another human’s life by engaging in this stuff secretly. I don’t think you have any reason to be mad at him for being attracted to men, but the fact he is hooking up with men secretly would be a deal breaker for me. The trust is gone. He will probably lie and say he didn’t go through with it if you give him a chance, so when you confront him just make sure you don’t reveal your entire hand and say you just found one unsent draft. Tell him that you know he’s been hooking up with strange men he met online and you have proof, but that you want him to tell you the ENTIRE truth and not skip a single detail. If he doesn’t break down crying immediately and reveal a shockingly extensive history, he’s lying. He absolutely does this somewhat regularly but he will probably try to downplay it to nothing more than a little innocent curiosity if he thinks he can get away with it.
Sorry Hun. But never doubt that you deserve someone who will be honest with you instead of making you catch them. You deserve better than what he gave you.
Are you mad about it?
He knows you have access to the account. You have every right to come straight out to him about it and ask him directly and honestly. This is ALWAYS the way with something like this. Tiptoe’ing around it is gonna waste time and make you feel nervous and bad needlessly. Alternatively, if you come out and talk to him about it and he is willing to have a conversation with you about the idea of potentially trying out something with you and maybe another guy, you will be much, much better for it and it will be such a relief if you do. The straight honest true communication is very, very worth it.
It seems like you should bring it up in a non-confrontational manner. He is obviously ok with your bisexuality. No reason not to believe that he might be intrigued because you enjoy same sex encounters, and he respects you. If he is truly interested, he would probably appreciate your support.
I guess I don’t understand the problem. Yall are in an open relationship. You’re bisexual. Is he not allowed to be?? I guess you could bring it up and be encouraging if anything. “Hey, i just saw that draft in our MUTUAL email. I had no idea you were interested in that. Good for you.” If it warranted any convo at at all, it would simply be encouragement
Why wouldn’t you?
It was in a shared account and you have concern/questions, so bring it up.
A lot of people have hidden fantasies or desires. They may not amount to his actually playing around. I’d definitely address it with him. I actually have some MM fantasies and never even acknowledged them to myself when marriage was going well. I was open about it when we entered the frustrating sexless phase, and she understood. Many are enraged by the thought. Communicate and get everything out in the open or it may cause a rift.
Communication is key.
Leaving it unclear might lead to some problems while discussing openly is the safest way.
Maybe there’s even a misunderstanding and everything is simpler than you think idk.
Anyway, talk to him calmly and it should be fine.
Like all the others have said just talk about it and sorry but you said that you are openly bie sexual so does it make a difference if he is ?
If you are with someone for a year, why would you have a joint email with your dating apps on it? Sounds like it’s not going to work out from the start.