Throwaway account. Apologies for the length but this is really troubling me. Names have been changed.
I (39F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, Bryan (42M), for a year or so. We’re in love and are talking about moving in together when my lease expires in 6 months. From the beginning, I knew he was divorced for 5 years and had 2 school aged kids named Alex (10F) and Dan (8M). When things started getting serious between us, Bryan told me the reason he and his ex, Alyssa, divorced. Bryan had an affair with a coworker, Alyssa found out and filed for divorce. Bryan told me that he regrets cheating on Alyssa and that he set a terrible example for Alex and Dan. He wouldn’t blame me if I considered it a dealbreaker.
Despite my issues with cheating (my mom left my dad for another man when I was his kids’ age), I believe that people can change and I believed Bryan was remorseful. Maybe that’s naive of me, I don’t know. I thanked him for telling me and told him that I accepted him in spite of his past.
Alyssa has primary custody but Bryan has them during the weekends and some holidays. Because we were talking about moving in together, Bryan proposed that I meet Alex and Dan at dinner. I agreed and asked him to tell Alyssa, figuring she’d want to know (I sure would myself if I was in her shoes).
We met at a restaurant shortly before Christmas and everything went great. The kids and I were understandably nervous at first but by the time dessert rolled around, we were laughing and (I thought) having a good time. Alex and Dan are great kids and I said as much to Bryan as we were leaving.
Last Friday, Bryan had Alex and Dan and we decided to go to the mall together. Alex wanted to go to Ulta Beauty and I went with her while Bryan and Dan went to the Apple Store. She fell in love with a small bottle of purple nail polish and I decided to purchase it for her. To be fair to Dan, I purchased an ITunes gift card (of the same amount) so he can listen to music on his IPad. I told the kids it was a late Christmas present from me.
The kids were very grateful and even made me a Thank You card. I was moved and thanked them.
Now, I had never met Alyssa before any of this. I made it clear to Bryan that if she wants to meet me (or not) is her choice and hers alone and whatever it is, I would respect it.
Last night, I got a call from Alyssa. I wasn’t surprised she had my number because I figured the kids or Bryan must’ve given it to her. She asked me why I bought the kids Christmas presents. I explained the situation. She told me that she didn’t want me hanging around Alex or Dan before hanging up.
I don’t know what to do. Bryan is at work and won’t be off until tonight so I have some time to come up with a plan. As much as I love Bryan…I don’t want to come between him and his kids. He made a terrible decision, yes, but I know he loves Alex and Dan and has been doing his best to make it up to them. I don’t know if Alyssa thinks I’m the woman Bryan cheated with or what.
If we’re going to be living together in the future, the kids are going to be a part of my life. And I want to be part of their lives if they want me to be. As I said, they’re great kids. I can’t take the place of their mother and I don’t want to. I want us to have a good relationship with each other.
So what do I do? Did I do the wrong thing in buying the nail polish and gift card?
TLDR: Boyfriend’s ex wife told me to stay away from their kids after I bought them small Christmas presents and I don’t know what do.