So I think this has been asked a ton, but here it goes –
I think I really like my friend (maybe love her). I think about her a lot. The thing is that she has become quite close to me, we regularly hang out for coffee together, dine together, then go back to her place and hangout there. (but I go back to my place to sleep)
All friendly, no sexual advances. I think we enjoy each other’s company a lot and I’d really want to ask her out romantically.
The issue is that she’s in an LDR that doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon. From her side it’s purely platonic and she’s even introduced me to her boyfriend. I can’t cut her loose to hide my feelings as I see her regularly. I am really happy with the friendship but I’m always craving more time with her, and more importance/interest from her in me. I am having a hard time crushing my feelings and accepting that it’s not gonna happen. I know I should just stay content with the friendship, or cut her off eventually. I just feel things could be different.
6 comments
You’re jealous at the end of the day. You can either work on your jealousy and continue to remain friends, or end your friendship if it drives you so crazy. Sometimes we want what we can’t have and it’s a tough feeling. Facts of life though.
I was in the same situation. I tried being friends but it started to take a toll on my mental well being. I told her that given how I feel about her, we can’t be JUST friends. It would have been dishonest of me to keep trying to be friends knowing that deep down I wanted to be with her.
I ended up cutting ties (in a respectful way). It sucked at first, but I’ve felt a lot better after. It was also a matter of self-respect. I respected myself enough to not keep that friendship going because it wasn’t really what I wanted. Besides I had other close friends who could fill that void, without a romantic undercurrent defining the friendship.
It gave me closure and allowed me to focus my attention on other girls, without the situation with my ex-friend hanging over me like a raincloud.
Dude you are the guy that the other people are talking about in the other reddit threads wherein her boyfriend is questioning her behavior (hanging out with another guy in private, 1 on 1, even though she’s in a relationship). I seen it a million times!!! Whatever happens after this point, she has already fucked up and everyone assumes you are fucking.
You are the heel.
You are Sauron.
You are the great evil.
But see… this whole situation presents… how shall we say… “inconspicuous” …. ramifications. Let’s say she secretly does love you. She’s emotionally cheating in that case. So she’s capable of cheating. And you know what they say… if she cheats once, she’ll cheat again, which is bad for you. So in this instance, you can’t achieve true victory. Everyone loses.
I think the only thing you can do to maintain integrity is to only see her when she’s out with mutual friends and you are in a group. You basically need to present a situation wherein she leaves the other guy willingly, without mental fuckery from you. You gotta give her a chance breh!!
Cut her off completely. What you both want are not aligned. She wants friendship (platonic), you want something more romantic. The best negotiator is the one who is willing to walk away and mean it. Scarcity creates value. If you walk away, she will definitely miss your company and could potentially reach out after a while on your terms. The key is playing it cool and respecting her wishes when walking away but telling her to reach out if she changes her mind.
Good luck.
You said it yourself, she’s in a LDR that doesn’t seem to be ending soon. I suggest you move on and not be that guy.
> I know I should just stay content with the friendship, or cut her off eventually. I just feel things could be different.
This is kind of it, dude. You’ve correctly identified the two options that cause the least harm, and you wish there were a third way that still gave you what you wanted. There isn’t. And unless something changes that means you’re content with this friendship, you will basically be forced to reduce contact with her.
Genuinely sorry you’re in this situation. She might be one of a kind, but your happiness can come from anywhere.