We have 2 kids (ages 1 and 3). My wife doesn’t work. Both kids go to daycare full time. I make decent money and often work side jobs (on top of my full time role) at night as a software developer. Let me be clear though that I am FAR from an absent parent. I help her with kids in the morning getting ready for daycare. I don’t work during dinner time and watch kids while she cooks. I bathe and put down our youngest every night even when I’m working that night. On weekends we are both with the kids together nonstop, and I never work on weekends (except when I mow the lawn on Sundays).
Today she went into another one of her long monologues where she just lists things that make her unhappy (e.g. today she wanted to talk about how when we visit her home country she doesn’t like to go out to eat with me because I often don’t like the food). Later in the monologue she had the audacity to say she “just needs a break”. This set me off (I’m a very mild-mannered person and I wasn’t yelling or anything), and I told her to wake up and realize how many people would kill to have her situation and would consider her situation the break of a lifetime.
Don’t get me wrong she doesn’t just sit at the house all day doing nothing. She does keep the house clean (but we also pay for someone to deep clean once per month) and she’s always on top of everything related to kids (planning birthday parties, taking them to the doctor etc.) She isn’t lazy at all. But asking for a break in our current situation just seemed ludicrous to me. So, AITA?
EDIT: Re-reading this I can see how the break she was asking for could be interpreted to mean separation in the relationship, but that isn’t what she was saying. She was saying she needs time to rest from
46 comments
Everybody feel overwhelmed sometimes, my dude. It sounds like she doesn’t feel like she can get out and do the things she wants to do, for whatever reason. I don’t think you’re an asshole, but it sounds like the two of you need to have an open and honest conversation about your expectations of each other.
I think having to manage everything to do with a household, having it run smoothly but always being home is hard. I think she is feeling under appreciated and over burdened with the “house” stuff. She is just asking for some “me” time. Is that soo hard to give? 1-2hours on a weekend or once a week when you get home? As a full-time mom to three, a student who also has a job…I even feel what she is saying but my husband is supportive of me needing some time a few times a week to go for a run by myself. I love my husband and kids but something I just want to be alone. Re-read your message and reflect on what she said and “really” listen to it. She isn’t saying you don’t do enough, please understand this. Good luck.
NAH, yall just need to sit down and have a conversation about expectations. Situations change, and that’s OK, but it needs to be discussed and agreed upon.
Anytime you tell someone they should just be happy with what they have, you are indicating to them that you don’t really care about how they feel or what they’re experiencing. And in ANY situation, there’s someone who has it worse than you do. What if we all just collectively said “That’s your biggest gripe about your wife? Some people don’t even HAVE wives,”? You’d feel pretty shut down, wouldn’t you? That would come off as completely dismissive and rude, wouldn’t it?
Now, imagine that irritated dismissal was coming from the person who promised to love, honor and cherish you. That would really suck, wouldn’t it?
I know i’m acting like a fortune teller here but if she doesn’t realize how good she has it, she will cheat on you in the future.
I get where you’re coming from. Don’t think you’re an asshole but you’re also not being productive.
Something has to give. Sit down and choose what.
You can work less to give her a break but that will mean less income and perhaps less trips to her home country.
Decide on your trade offs in good faith..
Not a good reaction, but not full AH.
Ask her what she means by break – how long, in or out of the house, etc. If it fits in the daycare window, let her know you’re fine if it means the usual household stuff doesn’t get done in that gap for a day or two and takeout for dinner isn’t going to kill anyone. If it doesn’t fit in the daycare window, look together at why it is or isn’t doable with your current pace of life.
It seems like there’s another issue she isn’t actually saying. I’m a stay at home mom with kids that stay’s home with me. There are times when I’m just like I do need a break. On my husbands off days he’ll take the kids to lunch, the park, and run some errands so I can have the day alone. That’s honestly all I need to re-energize. Maybe try that? Or tell her to go out for the day? Also sometimes being cooped up in the house will cause outbursts that aren’t necessarily directed at what comes out. Like I’ve gotten upset at my husband for like eating too loud when it was honestly just everything together building up, it was just the last thing to annoy me.
I don’t think you are an asshole but I think you saying that in the heat of the moment was the wrong time. My personal opinion is some people don’t get how good they have it and sometimes needs a reality check and your wife does have it good. I just think you could have went about it better. Good luck
Imagine coming home from work and wanting to vent about things at your job, complain about all the things that bother you and how you want to do something different and take vacation from work only to be told that you shouldn’t complain and should be thankful that you even have a job.
She just opened up and voiced how she feels and you basically just told her to shut up and deal with it because you don’t want to hear it.
Guess what? That’s how your spouse ends up building resentment towards you. If you don’t sit down and talk about her *valid* feelings don’t be surprised when she decides maybe she does want a permanent break from everything.
😮… I am jealous of your wife!
Good lord, I get that everyone has their thresholds but she’d never survive a day in the life of a working mother or a SAHM who actually has her kids at home with her all day everyday. My day consists of: getting up at 4:20am and immediately logging into work. At 6:30am I get my son ready for school and on the bus during my morning break. Then I work the rest of my 8 hour shift, I clean daily (no one else does, only me), I cook daily, I do all of the laundry, all of the doctor appointments, all of the party/holiday/travel planning, all of the packing for travel, I do all of the pet care and feeding, before my son stopped playing football I was taking him 4 days a week to and from practices and games and I was in school on top of that as well during those days, I do all of the homework help, and I typically work overtime every week as well and I don’t get to sleep until midnight at the earliest every night. I wish all I had to worry about was the cleaning (and not even the deep cleaning!!), cooking and planning stuff. I would be pretty miffed at the “I need a break” statement as well…like what kind of break? Does she not have friends? Does she never leave the house?
Yes, you are because that’s the most unhelpful thing you could say. She’s telling you why she’s unhappy, and you just told her to suck it up. I know some of the things she listed might be minor and stupid, like how you complain about the food, but those little things add up. Side note: I personally understand that complaint. I’d find it insulting if my husband constantly complained about my culture’s food. If you think she should just be happy with what she has, why can’t you just be happy with the food you’re eating? If you want to make the relationship work, you should listen and meet her needs instead of blowing her off like the way you did and hopefully she would do the same for you if the roles were reversed.
You are present, but are you helping her with the mental load of being a parent and running the house? It’s so much more then Physically being there.
Ask her a break from what and look to give her the break.
As a sahm, maybe she’s mentally spent. As you say she stays on top of things and she’s parenting 24/7. It sounds like you work hard and you also parent hard, that’s wonderful. However, she’s been pregnant, recovering, pregnant and recovering for almost all of the last 4 whole years. In my experience ( I have 4 kids 14-4) when the baby hits around 1 moms often feel the need to have a total break for a few days. It’s the mental exhaustion that you just need to break free from and only have to worry about keeping yourself alive for a few days. I am usually good after a weekend.
I understand that you are engaged parent and you work hard. This really might not have anything to do with you.
This is equivalent to you saying you need a break from your work. Does she mean that she needs a day, a weekend, a week?
Does she get out of the house alone during the week to do something that is not mom related ?
She’s probably needs to reconnect with herself
So the kids are in daycare five days a week and that isn’t enough for her to be an SAHM? The people who have no daycare must be half dead?
Life can be rough in and of it self. Raising kids is a big commitment. A Stay at home to do so spouse can definitely be unappreciated but it’s not a picnic for anyone devoted to doing great by their family.
Why doesn’t she rest while they are in daycare for instance?
She doesn’t seem to have a bad situation in your family by your description.
In regard to your Edit, I think that is exactly what she means, at least a little bit. Really, she’s burned out by life, and that just happens because….it’s life. But being married for almost 30 years, I can almost guarantee this is what is happening. She’s probably touched out by the kids, and being a SAHM dad who also worked from home for many years while my kiddos were little, that is a very real issue. All day long, kids pawing at you. Crying. Needing stuff endlessly. Breaking shit. Killing your sleep (and sex drive). No adult conversation all day. You see what I am saying.
Get her a trip to a day spa. Or a weekend at a B&B if you can swing it. If the complaining still goes on or escalates, I think there might be a bit more going on.
**Edit**: I missed where you said they are in daycare. So, they are not with her all day, thus she is probably not touched-out. So take that out. She also has a housekeeper once a month?
Guess I am trying to figure out where you’re being the asshole here, in spite of the others already labeling you as such.
Sounds like the marriage might need to be looked at a bit closer. Perhaps counseling. Because I guarafuckingtee you, the next step in dissatisfaction is a wandering eye.
Preparing for the downvotes.
I’m a SAHM with my kids home with me. On top of everything else. Not to mention I also work nights to avoid daycare costs because let’s face it daycare is fucking expensive. I wish I had one day a week to myself. So for her to be overwhelmed when the kids are at daycare while she’s at home. I do not understand it! But that’s just me.
You’re not an asshole. Maybe you feel frustrated doing so much and you need validation? Maybe you didn’t want to validate her because you don’t feel appreciated or validated for your hard work?
Read the Reddit infidelity forums. Most betrayed husbands preamble to their posts, sound EXACTLY LIKE YOURS
So she doesn’t work, the kids are in daycare, and you have help come to deep clean once a month, AND your actively contributing when you are home with the house chores and kids? Yes, most people would kill for all of that. Clearly, something so
Bothering her about it and you need to sit down with her and figure out exactly what she needs a break from and go from there.
Being a parent is exhausting. Plus the mental load of remembering everything that needs to get done, make appointments, cleaning the house, etc. There’s probably more to how she’s feeling, she’s just not expressing it all. Sometimes the emotions hit you all at once. Does she get out of the house? Does she have any interests/hobbies that she does for herself or is she always making sure everyone else is taken care of?
Maybe have a conversation with her to under why she’s needs a break? Ask her if there’s anything else you can do to help take something off her plate, whether it’s a chore or an errand that needs to be run.
She probably realizes she’s lucky to be in the position she is, but it doesn’t mean that she can keep up with everything 24/7. She’s human. We all get overwhelmed and trying to make her feel guilty or bad about asking for a break is only going to make her feel worse.
I couldn’t imagine expressing to my partner that I need a break and him telling me “how other people would kill to be in my position”.
I don’t think your the AH for saying how you felt, but I think there are different ways to approach the situation to understand each other better.
NTA. What exaclty does she need a break from? Her life sounds like it barely has any responsibilities.
Maybe she’s so bored that she’s just creating shit to complain about.
It sounds like you’re emotionally disconnected, like you aren’t really trying to draw out and listen to what she’s getting at because you’re afraid it’s some kind of attack on you. Defensiveness is something for you to get curious about. What if you assumed you aren’t doing anything wrong and she’s not mad at you, she loves you and your kids… but something is going on for her that she’s trying to express. And what if you just tried really hard to listen and understand what she’s feeling, and find what’s valid in it? I think a lot of the time this happens the person just isn’t feeling seen and heard and is having trouble expressing it, then you both set your jaws and cross your arms and get into some kind of quiet battle about who’s good and right when you’re actually supposed to be on the same team. I hope you find a way to connect.
NAH. She’s dealing with 2 kids. She does work, just not outside the home. Dealing with toddlers all day is insanely tiring. So, yes, she may need a break. Maybe you aren’t being as sensitive as you could be, but I wouldn’t say you’re being mean about it to be the AH.
You brought her over to marry you ?
[deleted]
On the one hand, anyone can be mentally spent by the monotony of spending all day in the house, managing the cleaning and kid stuff etc. On the other hand, I honestly can say I have no idea what a SAH parent could possibly do all day long if kids are in daycare. I work 50+ hours every week and take my kid to school everyday, cook, clean, grocery shop etc. Remove the job and I’d feel like I was on a permanent vacation.
It sounds like your wife needs to let herself off the hook a little and make time everyday to do things she enjoys. Take up a yoga class, go to the gym, walk a dog. Something outside the house and out of her element every day if the week for an hour. She should be able to spare that time and it would probably do her wonders.
You’re NTA but obviously your remark wasn’t helpful or what she needed to hear.
Some of the responses here are odd. This is a homemaker. Not a stay at home mom. Nothing is stopping her from doing anything she wants, except herself.
[deleted]
Why are they in daycare when she doesn’t work? I’m confused
You may be listening with the mindset of “how can I fix this?” Change your mindset to, she just needs a listener right now. She isn’t saying you’re not doing enough, don’t take it as a personal stab. Next time she starts to talk about her exhaustion with this ask “would you just like someone to listen right now or are you looking for advice or help on the situation?”
Loool dream life. The things I would do!
Buuut you did invalidate her feelings. Regardless of your opinion her feelings arent going to disappear. I suspect she’s feeling listless, possibly depressed. In the short term sure give her a break, why not? Everyone needs to step outside of their life every once in a while. Girls trip? Spa day? Let her recharge & ask her to consider in the meantime any changes she wants to make personally to help her feel fulfilled. A part time job, volunteering, therapy etc.
You are the asshole. You are not willing to hear your wife and validate her feelings. You have shown you do not care about her and want her to just be quiet because she inconveniences you. Some marriage this is.
Is it possible when she said she needs a break that she meant she’s feeling depressed? With her kids in daycare full time, you at work and then taking care of kids once they’re home, and someone coming to deep clean once a month, she may feel like she needs something outside the roles that define her as who she is to everyone else.
She might feel like she’s lost her identity in being “X’s mom” or “Y’s wife” or “homemaker.”. She might feel like she’s lost her connection with you and the marriage.
Would she want to do something for charity? Get involved in a local club or community group? Basically time where she cannot only explore who she is outside of her role of wife and mother, but reconnect with who she was before being those things.
Would she want a designated date night with you once a week where you guys can just connect and spend time without distractions?
I do think your frustration came from an understandable place. I would have been incredulous too. But, ultimately, she is sending up an emergency flare and you need to get to the heart of what it is that she needs rather than dismiss it.
She’s a SAHM AND the kids are in daycare and has a cleaner? I think she’s the one who needs an attitude adjustment. If she’s unhappy because she’s bored she needs to find some purpose in her life.
Ill marry you. Kids in daycare and maid comes in once a month? That is a good chunk of free time. Clean the house, meal prep , go to the gym. My wife would kill me though.
I would kill for that! I’m a SAHM with a severely disabled 11 year old ( as well as 5 older kids between ages of 23-16….3 of who still live here) I literally can not remember the last time I was alone…..lol
I don’t understand why the kids are in daycare if she doesn’t work. It sounds likes bored and should get a job. I’d have zero patience for this. Her big contribution to the family is keeping the house picked up in between monthly house- keeper visits, planning birthday parties for 2 kids, and running the household while the kids are in daycare. She sounds like a high-maintenance princess.
NAH. Wanting a break doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate everything you have. It can mean that you want a break from any and all responsibility. Being a part of any family requires a lot of responsibility for the adults. Did you ask her why she wants a break ?
It’s sounds like she gets plenty of alone time or I would’ve suggested a weekend away maybe a weekend away just you two no kids?
You’re not being an a hole. Sounds like she’s got a great situation going on.
Don’t think I couldn’t work, I like my spare money. I’d have to do a little side business at least. What has she got just for her? Maybe she’s feeling blur because she hasn’t got something to feel proud of achieving herself?
Is she fluent in the language of where you guys live? Does she have friends and people to hang out with? Does she have access to food and culture from her home country? How long has it been since you guys have moved to country you are currently in? How often is she able to go home to see her family and friends in home country? When you go to her home country, are you constantly complaining about the food? Do you have food from her culture that you like?
That’s your only gripe about your wife? Dude, do you know how many men would kill to have a wife that holds it together enough that they can work full time and work side jobs at the same time whilst also still being with you on the weekend? You’re being entirely unreasonable and ungrateful.
Feels kind of shit doesn’t it? It sounds to me like you’re not annoyed that she feels she wants a break or appreciates what she has, it seems like you both have two very young children and are doing a lot of work to keep the household going. When was the last time you thanked each other for what you both do? Her for how hard you work, you for how much she’s keeping it together. Does she ever send you off for an evening with your friends? Do you ever send her off to the spa or to her hobbies? Book a sitter or grandparents to look after the kids and have some time together outside of your kids and employment and jobs that need to be done and thank each other for everything you’re both doing.
NTA, I’m confused. She’s a stay at home parent but the kids are in day care all day?
My husband and I also have a 1 year old and 3 year old. I stay home and am with them 24/7. I feel like if the girls were at daycare everyday that would defeat the purpose of me being home. It also sounds like if she needs a break she has plenty of time to do something for herself but is choosing not to. I’m not trying to be judgemental, I’m just not fully understanding this situation. I’m sure when the kids are in daycare she’s doing household chores and taking care of everything that needs to be done, but it seems like she gets a break from the kids quite often.
Maybe once a week/every other week you can watch the kids for a bit so she can go do something for herself seems she doesn’t get the time to during the week.
Sounds like you’re both frustrated and both need a break, like some time away from home to rest and recharge, ideally without the kiddos. You periodically need time to rediscover each other and see how you have each grown in different ways. When kids are the age that you are still bathing them, it’s easy to be caught up in the day to day. Sounds like wife just doesn’t like her routine, which is fair, but she’s lumping these other pseudo-grievances in because she lacks the self awareness to realize that she feels somewhat stuck. It has nothing to do with you, it’s just a human need for novelty.