35F married to 55M. Been together 13 years.
I am so unhappy in my marriage. The verbal abuse has been nuts. Only in the last 6 months that I fully checked out has it gotten a bit better (by better I mean still yelling most days, but storms off instead of lectures me for 3 hours).
I just can’t do this anymore. I get such a sick feeling on my drive home from work. Never felt this anxious ever in my life.
Cannot have conversations in person with my husband. He knows I’m unhappy. But yet will text me throughout the day about how special our love is, blah blah blah. Love bombing? I don’t even know at this point. I don’t believe he’s doing any of this intentionally, I do think he genuinely loves me and I don’t think he’s a narsassist, but I do know he has major anger issues that he refuses to address.
I truly believed he dated so young because no one his age would have put up with his shit (I was 22 when we met, he was 42).
I don’t see me surviving this much longer. BUT. We have two small kids. So because of that I see me being stuck for years, afraid to destroy them, but absolutely destroying me.
How on earth do I choose my happiness over wrecking their life?? ðŸ˜
4 comments
You’re already wrecking their lives. You’re staying for yourself, not for them.
Every single day that you stay in this marriage, you are contributing to the trauma your children are experiencing. They will have to carry this for the rest of their lives. They might even end up like you, in an abusive relationship because their mother didn’t teach them how to stand up for themselves.
20 years from now, in therapy, maybe anxious and depressed, struggling to make meaningful connections with people because all they knew as children was their dad’s screaming?
Is that the life you want for them?
I got married young too. I get it, especially when your older self sees that you settled for things you wish you didn’t bc you weren’t wise enough to know.
I never say to divorce or not, I feel there are too many variables to make a declaration like that when I don’t know someone. But what I can say is that if your in an abusive relationship (even if it’s verbal) you are right to want to leave.
is he at least a skilled lover
My husband and I have a 16yr age gap and I feel like it contributes to our communication problems and resolving issues. Checking out and disassociating keeps the peace, but it doesn’t solve any problems. I’ve resorted to being non confrontational and when we do fight, I do my best to take my time and not say more than I need. He and I r in therapy (separately) but it seems to cause more animosity and resentment.
Go. Take the kids and leave. Maybe not permanently if he makes strides to work on things but it sounds like u need to preserve your sanity more than anything. Give it a week and if u two get back together, set boundaries and goals for yourselves and each other. Talk to a therapist and get a safety plan going. His immaturity needs to be addressed and u need to feel safe and supported.