We have been together for 9 years. In the beginning, we worked together and were just friends (although he wanted more). We started dating about 5 months in.
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Our sex life was always a bit strange (at least not what I had been used to). He seemed to have a low sex drive and when we had sex it was pretty mechanical. For several years we also had issues where he would be too flirty with other women. The whole thing caused me to lose a lot of confidence and become more insecure. We also would argue a lot over these things (with him always insisting he was attracted to me, etc…I’d often question it because he didn’t seem overly into me that way).
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Anyway, that was years ago. I basically got used to not having a great sex life and my desire has lowered overall so I’m not too bothered by it most of the time.We have a comfortable relationship and we love each other. We are definitely best friends. We do have sex but not “hot” sex, if that makes sense. We spend time together, we go out together, we snuggle and watch movies, etc.Recently we have had a dry spell. It’s mostly me (I won’t get into everything in order to prevent this from becoming a novel).
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On the weekend he told me he’s been thinking about stuff and he had a moment of clarity. He said we’ve never felt lust for each other, even in the very beginning (I personally felt it for him, but I guess I wasn’t good at showing it and he just gets irritated now if I tell him I did feel lust). He says that we have a very strong friendship and sex together feels more like “friends with benefits” sex (I can’t speak to that as I’ve never had it…he has several times before me).
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He said we COULD have had a lustful relationship years ago, but I delayed sex too long (well yes, because we were only friends and not dating), and by the time I was interested he basically lost interest. And never got it back. Even though we’ve been together for nearly a decade. I pointed out several couples that we know who I really doubt have a lustful relationship still. He agreed, but said at least their relationships began with lust. Ours didn’t.I asked if that matters, and he said he doesn’t think it does anymore because he’s 46 and he’s experienced lust in his life before.
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I can’t help but feel like this is an insult. Or saying he’s ok to settle for me and no lust because he’s middle aged.I feel a bit irritated. If he didn’t feel lust for me at all ever, he shouldn’t have been with me. When I asked him why he was with me in the first place he said because we were best friends and he loved me. And that was more important than lust.
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He said we could have had a lustful relationship (but apparently I didn’t jump on that fast enough!), but instead we became best friends and helped each other (honestly back then I mostly helped him…at the time he needed a lot of help). I wasn’t aware these two things needed to be mutually exclusive, but it seems like he viewed it that way.
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I asked him if he thought we could have lust NOW and he said maybe if we did more extreme things (ex: kinks that I don’t share). But he also said it doesn’t really matter anymore.
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I am still so confused by this conversation. What am I supposed to take from it? I asked him if he wants to look for someone else and he said of course not. I asked him why he told me this and he said because he was thinking about it. Can anyone on the outside give me their opinion?
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tldr: partner said he’s never felt lust for me so sex between us has always felt like sex with a best friend…but now that he’s 46 he doesn’t think it really matters and he values what we have.
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