Obligatory english isn’t my first language and I’m not sure whether that’s the right sub.
I am still living at home while going to uni because rent in my city is super high and I recently got diagnosed with depression, so working and studying at the same time would be extremely hard. My mother has not expressed any strong desires for me to move out, so it seems I’m in the clear. The problem is, living here with her is taking the biggest toll on my mental health.
Growing up she worked with kids and I always got to hear different versions of “Other kids are better than you”. She also told embarrassing stories involving me to her friends although I asked her not to. She surely was under a lot of stress because she was in uni while singlehandedly raising a child, but things like shoving a washcloth into my face while i was crying as a child, telling me “I’ll throw you against the wall” when she was angry and forcing me to go out with her to then yell at me “why aren’t you having fun? You’re supposed to have fun with me too!” (my dad was the fun parent since he only took care of me on weekends and I feel like she got jealous of that. They never were together, I was an accidental child she decided to keep) and just… yelling. a lot. weren’t really the nicest things.
She got diagnosed with ADHD at some point and already before that, our apartment was a mess. As a kid i was doing my best to keep it tidy, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, vacuuming, tidying up, hanging laundry, making food for myself close to all the time from like… 12 I think? I rarely invited friends because I was ashamed of how it looked.
Now we’re kinda okay. I still do my share of household chores but not as much as I did earlier but I rarely really talk to her and we don’t spend a lot of time together although we’re living in the same space. Thing is, she does a lot of things I can not handle. She often comes home and starts yelling when certain chores that are *her* job aren’t done, slams doors, stomps around. She also disregards my emotions and feelings when I tell her the things she did when I was younger still hurt me (“Okay but I already said sorry?? What else do you want me to do?”) and at the moment I’m legit just to scared to talk to her.
I would like to tell her how all that door slamming and yelling makes me feel and that I think it isn’t fair she gets angry when things aren’t done although she never asked me to do them. I have a hard time in social interactions and situations so yes, the dishes were piling, but they are not my job and since she also doesn’t do my chores when I leave them be I don’t feel it is fair I have to do hers just on a whim. She doesn’t get it. She wants me to guesstimate her thoughts and wishes and act accordingly.
I am in therapy and working on the whole mother-daughter thing, but I just recently started and it is a lot. I also have some sessions with her, but we’re facing different problems in these.
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Does anyone have any advice on how to talk to her and maybe make her understand my point of view and how my brain just doesn’t work like hers so we have to do things differently?