My (25F) partner (28M) and I have a 5 month old baby together.
Before we had our baby, our finances were separate and we each paid half of our living expenses. We just preferred it that way because we’re both very independent and opinionated and it just worked better like that.
I’m going to be a stay at home mom for the foreseeable future. I stopped working a few weeks before I gave birth. I drove for Ubereats full time and I worked extra hard for the last few months so that I could buy some of the things we needed for the baby as well as pay off some debt and put some money away for myself. I basically wanted to prepare myself for not working anymore.
I put away a couple thousand so that I could have my own money to spend as I see fit. I was completely open with my partner about this and I worked really hard while I was very pregnant in order to achieve this.
I just want to be able to buy myself things I need without having to explain why it’s important. I also want to have freedom to buy myself a coffee or new clothes every once in a while. I just don’t want to be under my partner’s control for every single thing I want to buy.
My partner is starting to resent me for this. He feels like his money is “our” money and my money is only my own. He makes pretty good money now (compared to anything either of us has made in the past) and I help him budget and keep things organized per his request. And it’s true, his money does pay our bills, buy most groceries, and go into savings.
But at the end of the day, that is his money. He’s pretty frugal but he can ultimately use it for what he wants. He buys himself beer and weed whenever he wants, but I know I wouldn’t get to use the money like that.
At one point I asked if I could have an allowance to see if that would work so we could combine our savings and I could just get money from him. The first and only time we implemented it, he brought it up in every argument saying I don’t deserve an allowance and to give the money back. So I basically feel like I can’t trust him and I feel scared and helpless at the thought of not having any of my own money.
Do you think it’s wrong of me that he pretty much shares his money and mine is only for me?
11 comments
If you aren’t married then its your money and he has his money and you share expenses. Unless you have specifically come to a different arrangement.
If you are married then everything is both of yours, including money, none of this “yours” and “mine”.
Is he really sharing his money if he wanted his money back and through it up in every argument? I agree he’s paying the bills but seems he’s not “sharing” his money with you
My wife and I combined our finances. No issues. It’s not for everyone but how can you he all in with separate finances for secret spending.
If you were married, sharing a home and a baby, I’d say you should be sharing everything evenly together. But you are not married, so I’m not sure what the rules are.
What does he say to “He buys himself beer and weed whenever he wants, but I know I wouldn’t get to use the money like that”? That’s the crux of the argument for me.
In any case, as a fellow SAHM: don’t let go of that stash. You may need it someday and you’ll be glad you have it.
I’ll come right out and say it: he’s being a controlling asshole. If he’s not going to compensate you for childcare, he can’t complain that you have a stash of money on the side. Even if he did, he shouldn’t complain, but as it is, it’s clear he using using money as an instrument of control.
What he is doing is not sustainable. You will need some kind of discretionary funding. Nothing builds resentment like watching someone enjoying the fruits of their labor while you get nothing for yours.
I think it’s a bad idea to quit your job and be a stay at a home mom without the protections of marriage. You are losing out on earnings now and reducing your future earning power to raise your mutual kid. You’re investing in the relationship to his benefit at your expense and he’s not reciprocating. If you were married and the relationship went downhill, you’d at least have some entitlement to a share of his assets, including home equity and retirement accounts, plus potential alimony. If this relationship doesn’t work out long term, you are legally and financially screwed.
Not necessarily. I have a similar situation with my wife. I like that she gets to keep her money.
My husband and I are dual income. We fully joined our finances when we got married. I built resentment over the years due to our different spending habits. It felt like he would get whatever he wanted, and if I did, we would overdraft. There was no saving up for things I wanted, because he would see money and spend it.
This isn’t exactly your situation, but it led me to believe that partially joined finances is the way. An equal amount for each of us into personal accounts to use as we please, and sufficient money into joint accounts for expenses. It’s a real chore sorting this out many years down the line, and I think it’s best to be proactive figuring out what works for you.
Whatever you do, make sure you are involved in your family finances. With him as the sole earner, if he is also managing it all, that puts you at a real disadvantage.
Honestly, it seems really unfair. His money is joint money and supports you, but your money is your money only. I was a SAHM for 12+ years, so I get it. But you can’t and won’t be independent when someone else is supporting you. You’ll have to trust him.