So I had a conversation with my boyfriend and he opened up to me about his last relationship and that she cheated on him 7-8 times, he was forgiving her, she in the end ghosted him at some point .
We are LDR and knows about my job, I’m a stripper and a lot of times doesn’t fully trust me. So few times told me that if I want to have sex with others to tell him and he gives me permission. He will not forgive if I hide. But he will forgive always if I’m honest and give permission. I told him I dont want other man , he said me he also wants only me. So I asked why he told me this, is like open relationship? He told me no , not open relationship. Also he said that his ex who was hiding her cheatings , he gave her permission as well to do this things told me . I asked if he was also doing the same , like if it was open relationship, he said again no . But he says we live far so he cannot be fully sure what I’m doing. I told him that if I’m emotionally fulfilled I never look elsewhere and bad things can happen even if you live in the same place.
Any ideas? Is he trying to fish me about to open up more or wants open relationship? I don’t understand
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Doing anything tonight ?
I think he’s just being a bit cautious and given what happened to him I’m not surprised. It is not the best mindset to have while in a relationship from his end, but you gotta keep in mind that he did have a pretty bad experience with it in the past. You’ll have to work on it together for him to move on from it. If you don’t want to be in a relationship like that, which you have every right to, then I’d suggest you end it. But just telling him that he should stop being insecure about it will not solve anything.
I think he just wants some illusion of control/ power where he feels he has none. Dude probably gave his heart to his last ex and got it broken.
He might be just a bit broken because of his past and he’s trying to take control of the situation this time. However that’s just my theory.
I think he needs you to reassure him about your feelings. He is insecure, which is understandable to me given the amount of male attention you get. Reassure him about your feelings & plans.
I don’t think he wants an open relationship. He sounds insecure/doesn’t have trust. He is giving you “permission” because that way he at least has some say in it because he thinks it is going to happen anyway – poor guy. If you are serious about him I suggest you keep saying you will not and don’t want anyone else.
I think he’s trying to protect himself from being hurt
He sounds like he isn’t over the trauma from the last relationship, so he is expecting you to cheat and he is saying it’s ok as he doesn’t want to lose you.
He accepted the previous girlfriend cheating, he was trying to move past it, and she ghosted him and hurt him even more.
No way is he fishing, he just sounds very broken.
From the info available, I’d say he really, really likes you. Because of the history of past trauma with the cheating ex, the understandable anxiety that comes with being in an LDR, maybe a tie in with your profession but I don’t necessarily think so, and most importantly not being able to see eachother/spend time together as much as you would like to has combined to make your man feel a bit insecure with himself and his standing with your relationship. If I had to guess I would say that the LDR is mostly at fault for this, followed by cheating ex.
Basically, he likes you so much that he wants to ensure that he remains a part of your life romantically….. even if he thinks it would be necessary to demean himself to do so. It’s definitely because of what his ex did that he even had that idea to begin with, which is why I don’t think it’s your job or anything like that. Cheating can really affect people. His first thought here was “I guess I’m not providing her what she needs in that way but I don’t want to lose her so what can I do?” He clearly has taken a huge hit to his self worth as a man and as a partner because of that. The honesty thing kind of says a lot too. As if it’s somehow understandable that you would cheat on him, that it’s fine as long as you tell him first.
So really, good news and bad news. The good news is that this man really loves you. He isn’t going anywhere of his own accord. I would be REALLY surprised if he ever did anything to hurt you. The bad news is that he will definitely be working through that past trauma for awhile yet. I don’t necessarily see much danger this would present to you, but there will be more of these comments and situations for awhile, where he seems to devalue himself or his own sense of worth.
You can continue on if you don’t mind, maybe help him regain a bit of his pride and self worth if you love him too, or if that sounds a little too heavy for you? That would be understandable too. Good luck OP!
Sounds to me like he feels like he has little control of his place in his relationships so he is trying to reduce the pain he would feel if you, to his mind, inevitably sleep with others.
I think he’s being sad and defeated.
Had the same conversation with my wife without the permission part.
I would have an issue with being put in the position to find out she cheated on me and go through all those weird feelings so I just told her that if she wants to do it to step up and tell me beforehand so we can dump each other.
Maybe it’s a similar thing where he doesn’t want to feel that train of emotions when finding out (anger etc.) but I still don’t get the permission stuff.
**Also his ex told me today , who was hiding her cheatings , gave her permission to do this things told me**
what does his ex do for a living?
ex was given permission to cheat as long as she told him and she couldn’t even do that – man that girl is worth less than shit no wonder he was crushed
He’s insecure because of his past, just tell him that if it happens, he will be the first to know. I also used to see things this way because having the freedom to do whatever we want with our body even in a relationship was really important to me and I wanted to make sure my ex was feeling ok to tell me if it happens because it’s a thing that can happen to sleep with someone else and it’s ok. Hiding and lying hurts, not what you do. And if you say you’re not interested and then you do it, it’s a terrible lie and it will be hard for him to trust what you’ll say after that.
I feel like he shoudnt be dating someone related too a sex trade
I think his ex gave him such trust issues that this is a way of protecting himself. So if you do have sex with another person he’s ready, almost like bracing for impact.
Hey- wife of a porn star here.
A lot of the comments have it right. This is him going “I am super scared that she is cheating on me with people behind my back- so if I give permission for her to do it at least it isn’t cheating anymore.”
This issue with this is he isn’t doing it because he’s comfortable with it. He’s doing it so he doesn’t have to bear the heartbreak of you cheating on him- even if you absolutely never would.
I know before my wife got into her career we had some very serious sit down talks that walked us through the potentials of what was to happen. Stripping is worlds different than being a pornstar, but calls under the same umbrella of “doing things most monogamous people are not comfy with their partner doing”.
I know I had a ton of preconceived ideas that were honestly inaccurate, looking back: the idea that she would cheat, or find that more attractive porn stars would be better than me and leave me for them, or that our sex would suck compared to what she was doing on set. None of these are true, but I had to work through them and talk to my wife to realize this.
Maybe explaining to him how work-like this experience is may help. He likely has a lot of ideas on what you do and what that means that just arent accurate from your point of view.
A sit down and exploration of his feelings and boundaries is needed. Some people can be partners to SWers because their boundaries are similar. Some, like me, can get comfortable with it after a bit of exploration. And some try but simply burn out and get frustrated because their fundamental boundaries won’t and cant be changed. You shouldn’t have to stop doing what you do- but he shouldn’t be uncomfortable either.
Best of luck to you both!
I dated someone via a LDR that had a past (but no longer was in that business/work) and had this conversation as well. We had a great relationship for over a year and during that time we were 100% committed to each other.
After time, the LDR became too much as we both had kids but the honesty was what made it true (though not long lived) love. I wish her nothing but the best and believe she feels the same about me.
If you both enjoy the time together and don’t desire the outside relationships, enjoy it. Life, like time will continue and having someone to share it with is special.
He probably just wants you to know that he would rather you respect his feelings and not leave him feeling like he did before.
Best wishes. Xo
He’s just coming from a place of hurt, pretty much what everyone has said in this post. As someone who has finally found a healthy relationship, it’s definitely a journey to tell yourself it wasn’t your fault and the cheating was more of a reflection of the person who cheated and not of you personally. I would just remind him he’s worthy of a healthy relationship where he doesn’t have to worry about cheating. I constantly ask for reassurance from my current partner and some times I don’t even have to ask, they just give it. I can advise be proactive and reassure them of their worth to you before they ask, random reassurance is the best way to ease their anxiety especially if your long distance. Cause it sends the “They care enough to just tell me” button in the brain that says “ I don’t have to even be in contact to know they are always thinking of me”. Your doing a great job so far, hopefully y’all can get some IRL closeness soon and you can reassure them in person cause that also helps.
I can give you an answer on this. I said somewhat similar things previously, it’s because I thought that no one would want only me. So if they are inevitably going to cheat anyway I want to atleast control that much and not seem like a loser. I healed as I began loving myself more but it’s tough.
This is like a “reverse-power move”. He thinks he’s protecting himself from being hurt but really he’s just dooming the relationship
Basically saying he thinks you’ll cheat on him and to just go ahead with it. Dudes fucked up and needs some serious therapy to work through his insecurities.
Tell him if it ever comes up, you’ll tell him but as of right now you can’t ever imagine it happening. You only want him.
I don’t think he is trying to push you, more that he’s still scarred and this is an act of trying to avoid getting that heartache. Albeit it’s not a great way, I’ve been cheated on and know that feeling of betrayal. When someone you love and trust cheats it hits hard.
I have also tried the open relationship and although I found I didn’t enjoy sharing my gf, hearing (and once seeing it) being done didn’t hurt compared to finding out. So the feeling is different when you know and don’t know.
If you are not about that relationship, then you have to continue to counter by saying you are not for that and that the more he continues to say, it’s off putting. It’s basically having to reassure and build that trust with him.
You said he doesn’t trust you because of your job, that will take time. I’ve dated a few strippers and I had no issue, hell I even went some nights to just hang out and watch and watching them dance and grind didn’t make me jealous or think they were fucking the clients but again, he has that emotional trauma
Other people have talked about feeling of control over a situation and I agree with them. I also want to note how many posts in this subreddit are about people who try open relationships and instantly regret it/destroy their relationship.
I think the issue that he doesn’t trust you/has security issues is what needs to be addressed
He needs some self respect, god damn.
I really feel for him, I understand why he’s doing it. I’m confident he doesn’t want an open relationship. I get what he’s doing. Trust me, he’s hurt
Poor guy but a really nice guy.
Apart from his past trauma, I believe he really really likes you a lot and don’t wanna lose you to betrayal so he is increasing his boundaries at his own expense.
Take it this way.
You are sleeping on his lap and a scorpion is biting him but yet he wouldn’t move because he doesn’t want to disturb you.
Talk to him and ease his concerns. Assure him, make him believe that you ll always talk to him patiently if she feels she is missing something.
Tc
Sounds like a guy who had his heart absolutely obliterated by his toxic ex, what a fucking shame for this man.
I don’t know much about him OP but if there are no red flags and he’s an all round nice person I’d try to help him out and get him to understand what happened to him wasn’t ok. I’d also try to emotionally support that person if I really cared about them and I knew they weren’t a trash human.
It sounds like he was manipulated pretty heavily. Reading this honestly made me feel really bad for him 🙁
He’s not okay with it. he just thinks that it’s inevitable.