Sorry in advance for the length of this post.
I’m a 21 year-old man and I’d say I’m not unattractive. I’m ambitious and highly career-driven (though it doesn’t always show), having more professional experience than most my age. I’m in pretty good shape, about 190 lbs and 5’10, and I exercise a lot. I’ve got pretty cool hobbies, I think – I’m super into skiing, hiking, camping, canoeing, reading, making art, etc… Point is, maybe I’m not total stud but I’ve got lots going for me.
The women I date seem to think so too. Over the last few months, I’ve been on 4 dates, all from Hinge/Tinder. Most of them went well, one of them I could tell right afterwards we didn’t really click (so, it’s not like I’m incapable of reading these cues – stagnating conversation, lack of common ground, etc.)
However, from all 3 women I was interested in seeing further, I’ve gotten practically the same message. It goes something like this:
“Hey, I had a really good time, and I think you’re an awesome/interesting person, but I just didn’t feel the spark I was looking for”
I just cannot wrap my head around this, and I’m getting tired of it happening every time. Putting myself in their shoes, if I find someone interesting and I had a good time, of course I want to see them again… like, what else would I want from a complete stranger I just met today?
Do I just lack charisma?
Am I not funny enough?
I’ve read on here about people that go on 20+ first dates and still don’t want to pursue any of them further. I find this absolutely bewildering.
How can you know enough about a person to decide they’re not right for you after one date?
Also, I can’t help but think that if it’s not my personality or the date itself, it must be my looks… but I have plenty of pictures on my profile, full body included. They know what I look like beforehand. If it’s my looks, why go out with me in the first place?
This lack of success, in turn, affects my self-esteem and confidence (which I know it shouldn’t, but I can’t seem to help it), which makes the whole vicious cycle repeat itself.
The vicious cycle:
rejection —> lower self-esteem —> lack of confidence/charisma —> no spark —> rejection
Add severe touch-starvation/loneliness to the mix and, actually, it’s no wonder I’m not causing a ‘spark’…
I’ve gone to a therapist about this but they don’t seem to really, fully understand. I’m not great at verbally articulating these things, either.
I feel trapped, know what I mean? The loneliness is like quicksand, the harder I try to escape, the more it pulls me deeper into misery.
How do I avoid coming off desperate when, embarrassingly, I truly am?
How do I present myself with confidence when, in reality, I’m not actually confident?
And, most importantly, how do I stop letting my abysmal dating life affect my self-esteem?
I should add that I did have a girlfriend for about 9 months, and we broke up about a year ago. It’s the only real relationship I’ve had, and I broke up with her. It was the hardest decision of my life, and although I don’t regret it (we just were not meant for each other and she could be quite manipulative), I’ve never felt more like I need someone by my side. Since then, being alone has been more and more unbearable. I think we may have been codependent.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for… answers, advice, even just someone who can relate. I usually wouldn’t resort to Reddit, but we’ll… I’m already desperate, aren’t I?