I started attending classes on October 2023 for something I really wanted to study for a long time. Its been 2 years since my last serious relationship that left real scars on me (he had undiagnosed paranoid squizophrenia at the time, I got cheated multiple Times etc).
Somehow I got This massive fear of intimacy.
But fast forward, I got close to a classmate, tall , handsome, artistic like me, everything seemed to fit perfectly. Then one night he asked for us to go grab a drink after the class, and we ended up kissing. It was amazing. The attraction was gigantic. Etc. But as soon as I got home I texted him telling him we should Stay friends. He agreed and told me he wanted the same thing. Yes I masturbated. And I kept doing that and thinking well This Will pass. It never did. Things got weird at school and One week ago he wanted to meet again to talk about stuff, and ended up only asking me if i had told anybody about the Kiss, basically we talked about nothing and I said again that i didnt want anything because im afraid of commitment (bizarre but thats what i Said). Today I had a couple of drinks and I ended up texting him basically that we should do something about whats going on between us. He said that he was glad I had loosen up and that he kept thinking about me .
Well, heres the thing. I really wish to fuck the guy. But. We dont want the same things. He is more like a party guy and Im focusing on myself (or trying Lol). The course is 2 Times a week One class till June. Is it possible to have some sort of, fuck buddy and remain myself I mean dont get to involved ? Because besides my fear of absolutely fucking up the environment in the class, Im also extremely afraid of commitment and I don’t think thats going to go away easily. I almost get a need to cry just thinking About someone fucking up my life or trying to Control me . Sorry for the big text but I really needed to get This out