I’ll start with the fact that we never really talked about our sexualities but I’ve always thought she was a lesbian as she had many girlfriends and never expressed any interest in men. The way she confessed could also be brushed off as a joke which I considered doing so we can move past it and preserve our friendship. I admit that our interactions have been kind of flirty but I’ve always assumed we were just joking as I flirt with most of my friends (I’m neither particularly attractive, successful nor a great person in general so it is usually funny). After the ‘confession’ though, a mutual friend that witnessed it reached out to me and confirmed that she most likely has actual feelings for me. The thing is, I’m struggling pretty heavily with my mental health. I never wanted to get into a relationship cus I feel like I am too much of a mess to burden another person with all of my issues. I know it’s not for me to decide whether other people have feelings for me but I don’t really know how I feel about my friend. She’s definitely a safe person for me and a great friend but as my therapist says, I’m in a state of a deep emotional dissociation that’s a risk of turning into psychopathy if not fixed soon and I’ve just barely started working on this. I think I can say that I don’t have a crush on her as of now, though I am aware that theoretically you don’t have to have feelings for someone to start dating them?? Because during the dating phase you can fall for the other person. The idea of being in a relationship with someone who has feelings for me and not being able to guarantee I’ll ever return them feels wrong though. And the fact that I dissociate when she does as little as kisses me could be not really great for her mental health.
Another issue is that throughout my childhood I’ve been repeatedly sa’d by a step parent and then had to grow up with them in one household as I never confessed to what happened, thinking no one would believe me without any proof (that I didn’t have, considering I was a dumb 12 year old at most and terrified of breaking up my family even more). Which obviously lead to a lot of issues on my side. When I brought this up to my therapist he said that from a logical standpoint the easiest way to get over the trauma is to actually finally have sex with someone so getting into a relationship isn’t necessarily a bad idea and I did consider it but I really don’t want it to turn into me dating my friend in order to use her for my own betterment.
In my own way I do cherish her, in a group settings she’s the one I always cling to the most and on occasion I like putting the effort into surprising her with gifts or gestures when I don’t really do that for anyone else cus I don’t usually care about people deeply enough. I have no idea if a relationship could and should work between us though. I am pretty awkward and a self-centred person that prefers spending time alone.
I don’t really have people in my life with whom I could discuss my love life but I think I really do need some advice on how to proceed so I thought it would be a good idea to ask here. Should I just pretend like nothing happened and keep being friends? Or maybe talk to her and clearly reject her and distance myself so she could get over her feelings, while I’m not totally sure about mine? Or would it be better if I just put my all into being the best boyfriend I can be and hope everything will work out for us??
Sorry for any mistakes and if it’s all over the place but I’m on mobile. And I am aware I sound immature and inexperienced, that’s because I am. I honestly never expected to still be around this long but I’m trying to stick around and make the most of this life. That is exactly why I am asking others for help