Currently crying on the bus home despite being a fully grown adult.
Today I was meant to be at a rugby league taster session, I accidentally got there an hour early which I knew would be bad as it gave me time to think. 15 minutes before it started I headed to the nearest bus stop and fled, sending an embarassed but honest message to the organisers (who wouldn’t have noticed either way).
A few months ago I got to a hockey team’s first practice, saw them already out on the pitch, hid behind a wall and had (maybe? Idk) a small panic attack? I’m not sure. In any case I fled and sent an embarassed honest message to the organisers, who did not reply. I never went back. I don’t even like hockey.
The people close to me have long lost patience with my inability to “see through hobbies”. Someone sat me down and tried to get me to do CBT journaling, I hated it.
I think the bottom line is that I’m very uncomfortable around groups of other men, especially who I don’t know. I loved sports as a kid but couldn’t get involved because I wasn’t liked by other kids, and I really don’t gel with lad culture and things like that. I don’t have many straight ‘normal’ male friends at all and really struggle to find anything to talk to them about other than sports. I don’t know, sorry for rambling or maybe drifting into ‘Not Like Other Girls’ territory. But this sucks.
Thank you for reading though!