Here is the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/qBF7UjEJEK

UPDATE:
Hello all,
I wanted to provide you with an update.
Apologies for taking so long to update, my life has been a whirlwind for the past 8 months. And I honestly haven’t been in the best mental state.

Also. TRIGGER WARNING!!
This update touches on topics of depression, drug use and cheating.

So about 2 months ago a police car pulled up to my house and 2 police officers knocked on my door
They told me they were there to do a wellness check on [my husbands name] because his girlfriend hadn’t heard from him in 3 days and was worried about him.

They asked me if i was his sister or what my relationship to him was. I told them I was his wife and beyond that i can’t even remember what I said, I was in shock. I just remembered them leaving and me closing the door and crying.

He was at work at the time and when he got home he could tell I was upset. I mean it was obvious, because everytime I tried to speak I would just start crying again.

Eventually it got to the point that, I guess, he knew he had to come clean. And he told me everything.

So yeah, I found out he had been cheating on me with an ex coworker of his.

Not only this, but had been supporting her and her 2 kids.
Because she couldn’t hold down a job and he didnt want them to end up homeless

The reason she couldn’t hold down a job is because she was/ is into drugs and would go on week long benders where she just wouldn’t show up to work.

And he says that about a year ago she called him out of the blue and cried to him saying that she was about to lose her apartment because her husband was cheating on her and had basically vanished (ironic, I know) leaving her with all the bills that had to be paid. And her 2 kids needed food and new stuff for school.

He says that at first it was just financially supporting her and her kids. Until he started doing the drugs with her and that’s when things “escalated”.

He told me he had cut things off with her 3 days before the police showed up and that’s why they were doing a wellness check.

So I asked him if that was where he was going when he was sneaking out.

He said yes “for the most part”
He also said “to be fair; I really would just go on a walk or drive around sometimes”

And I know there are going to be questions about how I didn’t notice the missing money.

So here’s my answer,
we have separate bank accounts. He pays for his bills and I pay for mine. And our joint bills come out of my account and he pays me back what ever the total is for those bills.

And well, he never stopped paying me for those bills. And house hold things that were in his name never got shut off. So I never had a reason to think anything was wrong in that area.

I have been so emotionally numb for these past 2 months and He has been begging me for about 2 months to make a decision about our relationship. As in divorce or work things out because being in limbo is really “stressful” for him.

I honestly just don’t want to even put any energy into thinking about the future at all right now.

All of my friends and family are telling me to get a divorce. But idk everything had been great up until 8 months ago. And our lives are so intertwined.
That feels so stupid to say. But I’m basically paralyzed with numbness.

I did however make an appointment for couples therapy. So I guess I will see how that goes.
He seems up to it.

And I just wanted to extend a thank you to all the people that took the time to read this and the last one.

43 comments

  2. I’m so sorry!đź’”

    I hate to add to your pain but you need to get a STD test now.

    If he was sleeping with a drug addict then he could pass something onto you.

    Please think seriously about seeing a divorce attorney to see about your options.

  3. A drunken one time fuck up is possibly forgivable.

    There’s no coming back from this. This is the most egregious type of betrayal that covers so many bases – finances, addiction, an affair.

    No. Ask the people telling you to divorce for help getting it started. Get yourself counseling. You will not start healing until he is gone.

  5. Take the time you need to make a decision. His discomfort is irrelevant, he harmed you and you’re entitled to take the time you need to process the pain and move forward in the way that’s best for you.

  7. He was using your family money and supporting and fucking another woman… there is no way around this..

    Stop delaying the inevitable and end it and tell him he can go support her and her habbit now and you will find someone worthy of you

  8. Please find a day and time to secretly meet and discuss options with a lawyer. There’s a lot he did, cheating and he’s an addict. Please get tested and leave this man behind fast.

  9. Divorce, don’t waste your time on couple’s therapy, just get solo for yourself as you show him The Door.

  10. Why would you stay with him…. This makes no sense. Police wellness check because of girlfriend…. Like OMG!

  11. Divorce. He cheated on you for a long time, lied to you and was doing drugs. Seriously, hard pass.

  12. The question is why wouldn’t you leave him..?

    – First, he is a junkie with her ??? Are you going to support him?

    – Second, he has been cheating you for a year now.. until police actually came and asked for him because of his girlfriend?!?
    – Third, he is not even trying but merely waiting for you to decide..

    You realize there is nothing to fix here.. he won’t stop because he is emotionally involved with her whole family, he became a drug addict, and he sneaked behind your back literally for a second life…..

    RUN!!

  13. Please just get a divorce. The longer you wait, the less likely you are to leave and will tolerate someone who not only cheated on you, but cheated on you with an irresponsible addict.

  14. I’m sorry but why the ever loving fuck would you ever want to reconcile with him? He doesn’t give a shit about you. He just wants you to make a decision so he doesn’t have to stress about it. Let him go become a homeless drug addict with that useless waste of space. 

  15. Therapy is not going to help you here. You’re wasting precious time on this loser but it’s your life …

  16. Divorce!! Hundo P. STD testing, therapy, get a restraining order against him, kick him out, take him to court, the whole shebang. Good luck

  17. Is he going to get help for his drug use? Will he be getting individual therapy because why did he cheat in the first place? So he would leave you alone at home sleeping and go do drugs with his mistress who he was supporting? Now that the mistress has no husband or your husband to support her don’t be su2if she shows up pregnant. I mean were things great if he was having an affair for more than a year. Since they were together for what seems like a while are you sure his really done with her?

  18. Look getting divorce is scary, and it sucks. However, you should be very grateful that the cops were ONLY doing a wellness check, and not a death notification. Cause depending on what he was doing with his “friend”, that could have easily been the case. Listen to your friends and family begging you to divorce him.

    Trust is lost, couples therapy won’t bring that back. It will take years of him completely changing his entire life to win back your trust. And that’s assuming he gets clean, cuts off the friend and grovels for the next few years.

  19. You realize you were funding the junkie girlfriend, right?

    Because you were still paying bills and giving your husband a very comfortable life thanks to your money and your work, he was able to have enough free money and free time to go do drugs with her.

    Disentangle your lives before he goes from stealing your energy and effort to stealing your money and belongings. Before you’re on the hook for his rehab expenses. Before his girlfriend comes around with more drugs.

    This junkie still isn’t taking responsibility. He’s downplaying his actions. (*You’re* downplaying his drug habits.) And he’s acting like *he’s* the wronged party here.

    Leave now. Protect yourself. Listen to the people who really love you. Your husband isn’t one of them.

  20. I seen this response from a woman that found herself in your position, and I thought it was brilliant…

    Give him 24 hours to decide to either open the marriage or divorce… Either way, he’s gotta think about sharing you with someone else for 24 hours and he ain’t going to like it, wait the 24 hours and file for divorce. He’s a pig and you deserve better

  22. **”But idk everything had been great up until 8 months ago**.” Great? No it was not. He was physically screwing someone else regularly, using drugs and supporting a whole other family. What is great about this? This guy is a real loser. Liar, cheater, druggie. You need to shake off your inertia and get cracking on the divorce. There is no fixing this, no do overs and no hope at all for this relationship. You are just hurting yourself by not taking action. Leave or kick him out as the case may be. Get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings as soon as possible. Your finances are separate so make sure he has not access to your money. Change passwords on everything. Go NC. I am being as blunt as possible to help you maybe see you are just drawing out your own pain and misery by not acting on this now. Listen to your family and friends, let them support you. But please open your eyes.

  23. He has sex with a drug addict, used his money to support his and her drug habit and to support her and her kids financially and you’re thinking of staying with him!?

    You don’t need couples therapy you need therapy for yourself!!

  24. Please just get individual therapy… to figure out why you have such low self esteem and low self worth to even *consider* staying in this dumpster fire of a relationship.

  25. I can’t believe that he actually pressed you to hurry up and make a decision because this has been stressful for HIM. What about you? He caused this situation so he just needs to deal with being stressed while you go through all of the complicated emotions and try to see if there is anything left of the relationship to salvage. You may continue to feel numb for a while. It is expected and he will just have to deal with the mess he made and all of the pain he has caused you.

    I am so sorry this happened and whatever you end up doing, I hope everything works out and you are happy in the end.

  26. This isn’t even about the infidelity. He used drugs and had sex with a drug addict, so he put you in incredible danger. Did you get checked for STD’s? I can’t see how you could forgive him…

  28. Cheating, financial cheating, drugs. I think you should skip couples therapy entirely, get individual therapy first to gain clarity and then head directly to a divorce lawyer. Your awful husband doesn’t deserve a drop of your consideration about “not liking being in limbo”.

  29. I’m amazed at his comment about the stress of being in limbo. Feel free to point out your greater stress in determining if you should allow your baby around a man-child with a proven tendency towards lying, cheating, duplicitousness, selfishness / self-centeredness and monstrously poor impulse control.

    Then factor in any health worries stemming from your exposure to sexually transmitted infections from the junky ex-coworker prostituting herself to your husband in an effort to keep her lights on and kids fed — and I’d say you have more things to think about at 4:00 am than he does.

  30. Wow. He thinks giving her money for drugs and doing them with her in her house where her kids are is helping her family. Those poor kids.

  31. Get into individual therapy to help process this.

    Do I think you should leave? Yes. But I don’t think you need to leave right before you’re ready. Take as much time as you need to emotionally process this right now.

  33. Stressful for *him?!* Oh, fuck off! (Him, not you, lol.)

    Leave him. He didn’t come clean when she called him up. He didn’t come clean when he started sleeping with her. He didn’t come clean (literally) about the drugs. He didn’t come clean when you caught him out in the middle of the night. He didn’t come clean after he “cut things off” with her. (And let’s face it: he probably only broke things off with her because he knew *you* were getting suspicious!) He only “came clean” after the police outed his affair! He’s no prize, and you deserve better.

    Then call CPS. Those poor kids deserve to be out of a home where their mother is so dependent on drugs, she can’t hold down a job and cheats with a married man to have someone pay her bills for her.

  34. I remember your first post and I was hoping for a better update, I’m sorry that things turned out the way they did. The next time your husband tells you that being in limbo is to stressful for him:

    1. Remind him how stressful it was for you to wake up in the middle of the night and him not be home.

    2. Remind him that the decisions he made are why you are where you are now so he’s not allowed to dictate the timeline.

    3. Remind him that the only reason he came clean was because he was the cops showed up to check on him. (It’s pretty much a guarantee that if the cops didn’t show up he would have run back to her)

    And please for all that is holy gets yourself checked for STDs and if you decide to stay with him tell him that he needs a clean bill of health as well.

  35. Sweetheart, *he was NEVER going to tell you*.

    I wouldn’t be able to trust this man again, therapy or not. He’s giving you partial truths to *keep you with him*.

    Honey, you deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. It will be hard, but staying and pretending to be fine will *be harder*. A good therapist can help you get to the root of why you’d choose to stay with someone who could treat you this poorly. I’m so sorry.

    Be kind to yourself. None of this is your fault.

  36. Everybody has great advice, but I would really say to just listen to your gut.

    You are numb, you can’t make decisions now, so then don’t. When my abusive ex and I broke up, and he didn’t want to move out, everybody was quick to tell me how to handle the situation, to tell me how to keep in touch or not with him etc. But I couldn’t think clearly and I didn’t want to change anything at that time.

    And that’s fine.

    You don’t have to do anything right now, let him be in ‘limbo’. Take good care of yourself. Maybe go on a solo holiday or something to have to time to yourself without him. some distance might give you some perspective. But take your time and be kind to yourself. Don’t listen to all the good advice, just decide stuff when you are ready to.

  38. Please don’t use your numbness as a reason to not move forward in your life. He broke the relationship, irrevocably. You’ll never be able to trust him again. Put one foot in front of the other for now but keep moving. First step, talk to an atty. Even now, he’s more concerned for himself than you. If he was truly remorseful he’d be doing EVERYTHING to try and reconcile. I think he’ll actually be relieved when you break it off for good.

  40. you are out of your mind if you consider staying with him!!! it is actually really dangerous! chack for stds and leave asap.

  41. So in the process of caring for a woman who was wronged by her husband… he chose to do the same thing to you? What logic! Get STD tested darling. Also, divorce, it’s not even worth it, I promise you

  42. “Everything had been great up until 8 months ago”

    Was it though? Was it really great? Or were you just blissfully ignorant of who he really is? You aren’t getting that blissfull ignorance back. Now you know. Can you live with it?

  43. Was needle use involved? You need to be tested for everything available.

    Take your time to make a decision. He cheated for months so you can take your time to decide.

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