I’ve lost most feeling for my husband. So much has happened in our relationship between anger issues, communication problems, emotional cheating, infertility issues and intimacy problems it’s taken a toll on me. (I say me but I am sure it’s taken a toll on him as well, however I can only speak for myself).
We lived together 2 years before getting engaged and got married 2 years after that. We’ve been married for four years and been together going on nine years. Things were going great. In more recent years he has become a very angry, violent and unhappy individual. He’s become extremely difficult to live with (Again, I can only speak on my experiences, I am sure I am impossible to him as well).
Just an example of my emotional and mental exhaustion with our marriage: We got into a huge fight because I dropped a towel on the kitchen floor and didn’t notice it. Of course, he went into the kitchen and noticed it. He started angrily lecturing me. I tried to make light of it. I picked up an empty paperclip box and tossed it at him, telling him that was on the floor now too (I realize this was an a-hole move). It didn’t hit him, it was literally a light toss. He picked up the box and chucked it at me within close range. There was so much anger and hate in his eyes, it didn’t matter if it was just a box, he wanted to hurt me. I confronted him. He told me he was just going to go stay at his family’s house. I told him a trial separation may be good for us, as we have an ongoing issue. He said “I knew you were just trying to get rid of me”.
I don’t know what he expects from me. I walk on eggshells in my own home. I can’t even use our bathroom sink because if there’s a splash of water on it, he gets angry (I wipe it down after use but I don’t do a 100 point QC inspection for water spots). I left the shower door slightly open and he yelled at me. He hates the dogs. I’ve tried to do everything he demands, I’ve tried to just take care of the dogs so he doesn’t have anything to do with them, but he always find something. I cook. I clean. I do the grocery shopping. He takes out the trash once a week and if I don’t bring it in when I get home, he gets mad at me. I was in bed sick for over a week, the dishes were not touched. If I didn’t make dinner for him, or order dinner for him, he wouldn’t eat.
The emotional cheating happened throughout the past few years. He has a female boss which he is attracted to (everyone is, she’s a bombshell!) they are very close. A few years ago I was sick in bed, quarantined with a really bad case of Covid, and he spent the entire time texting her. They text all of the time. It HAS calmed down and become more professional since I asked him to please consider my feelings.
I try to communicate my needs to him very clearly. When he does something I like I let him know. I ask him if there’s anything that I can do. His responses make me feel like I am in jail. He wants me to stop the dogs from barking. He wants me to make sure the table is straight when he comes home. He wants me to never make a mistake (such as leaving the shower door open a crack, forgetting to put the fan on, dropping something on the floor and noticing it. I’m also not allowed to move the medicine around or eat “his” snacks. – Yes i do the grocery shopping but there are items he claims as HIS, and if I touch them he gets angry. I’m not allowed to ask him to hand me a condiment that he’s sitting close to, he gets annoyed and sighs and rolls his eyes. OH and I’m DEFINITELY not allowed to cry. The last time I cried in front of him was months, maybe a year ago. I started crying and he told me to stop, that I was being a baby. Immediately I felt uncomfortable showing any further emotion with him.)
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Typing all of this out, I realize it’s over. I don’t want it to be, but sometimes you have to know when to call it quits. He doesn’t love me and we both deserve to be and feel love in the ways that we need.
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