Firstly: yes, this is a throwaway account – my partner is a Redditor too, and we know each other’s usual account usernames. Obviously I don’t want him to find out via Reddit, because even I know that would be among the worst possible ways for a relationship to end.
My question is pretty much what it says on the tin. I’ve been with my partner since I was 1 month short of 18 and he was 20. He wasn’t my very first boyfriend (the guy I lost my virginity to dumped me a few months after – oh, the teen angst!). However, he went to my prom with me and we’ve been together for a long, *long* time. As my mum likes to point out, we’ve been together for longer than my parents were.
And that’s the problem – I don’t know how to end this relationship. I’m nearing middle age but I’ve been in the same relationship my *entire adulthood*. I don’t entirely know where I end and he begins?
We don’t have kids. We don’t own any property. We rent a place and share 2 dogs – along with dozens of friends and almost 2 decades of memories. We’ve never married, but in Australia our legal status is the same as if we were. Also, we moved to a different state together, so have had to rely on each other (in the absence of our families and old friends) for 5 years.
However, we’ve grown apart. I’ve increasingly felt this way for a few years, but not wanted to admit it and kept kicking that can down the road. It’s the old cliche – I love him but I’m not *in* love with him.
Sexually, I’m not attracted to him anymore and haven’t been for a while; it’s been a sexless relationship for a couple of years. Understandably, he’s hurt by that. I wondered for a while if I was asexual, or it was part of growing older. However, a couple of months ago I had a one night stand. I know now I’m not asexual – it’s just I don’t feel sexual interest in him.
Yes, I know that cheating was wrong and awful. I’m not proud of it, nor will I try to justify it. I recognise that he deserves better than the pain of constant sexual rejection – let alone infidelity (which I’ve not told him about). He is a good person and he’s been a great partner to me.
I don’t want to hurt him by ending things, though. Selfishly, I also don’t want to lose my best friend and someone I genuinely still care for. I can’t imagine spending 17 years with him and then suddenly no longer being in each others’ lives at all. (Also, our dogs are seniors and I want them to have amicable co-dog parents!)
What do I do? How should I tell him I want us to separate while minimising his pain? How do I lay the foundations for a friendship once the dust has settled? Where do I even begin once I’m on my own for the first time?!
TL;DR: Want/need to break up with my high school sweetheart but feel overwhelmed and terrified.