My(F23) and my ex(M25) were together for about 5 months. I can’t really explain it but it felt like a whirlwind romance. We immediately clicked, and had so much fun together. We had intense chemistry and were very romantically and physically compatible. I have butterflies when I think of him still. It was an intense and passionate relationship. But along with that, there were intense fights. We broke up a few times during the five months and got back together. The fights mainly had to do with our different values. He wanted a soulmate, another half of him, someone completely devoted to him, and saw getting married and all that as the ultimate thing in life. I have grad school, work, internships, friends and family that are all equally important to me and wasn’t able to provide that level of… commitment I guess? This caused a lot of insecurity in him, which turned into angry fights that really hurt me. He also had lowkey resentment for me because of my past(I’ve been through a lot, done a lot, learned a lot, changed a lot), and I feel he holds them against me even when I’ve tried to make amends. However, we were both in love and could never really let go. We finally ended things.
I started talking to this new guy(M23) about a month later. Our relationship is not really anything like me and my ex’s. I didn’t really even want to start talking to anyone, cause I wanted to be single and focus on myself, it just happened suddenly and I found him cute and smart. He’s nothing like my ex. My ex was fiercely possessive, a true “chivalrous” gentleman, believed in gender roles, likes money, liked pampering me, strong willed, passionate, stubborn, smart(in a life way)and overall very masculine. This new guy is softer, gentle, calm, kinder, more emotional, not so much a gentlemen but sees us more as equals, also smart(in an academic, intellectual way), funny and in general just more chill, reasonable, open and accepting. We don’t have the same chemistry or passion as me and my ex. I don’t have the same butterflies. I like him a lot and he makes me happy, but it’s not that immediate click or intense love I felt before.
Recently, my ex reached out and wanted to try things again. It’s been about four months since we broke up. He said he worked on a lot of the problems with his insecurity and anger and he sees me as the love of his life and wants to win me back. I’m skeptical, because of his personality, I don’t know if he’s truly changed. But I’m kinda dating this new guy. We don’t have the same chemistry and passion. With him it feels more stable and safe. It’s fun and he’s great, it just feels more… mundane? I’m really torn between the two.
I guess overall what I’m asking is what is more important to you all: chemistry, attraction, passion and intense love(but comes with unpredictableness and history), or safe, stable, more chill and sweet love(but comes with less chemistry and passion, mundane)? It feels like a fight between my heart and my head. In my head, the new guy seems like the rational and best option. But my heart craves that chemistry and intense love. I don’t want to lose either of them. Have any of you been in this situation or have any advice?
Please don’t be mean, just genuinely what would you all choose if you were in my shoes?
4 comments
1) difference in values = automatic no. It doesn’t matter if he’s worked on his insecurities. Your issue before was difference in values and that hasn’t changed.
2) those butterflies you’re talking about were caused by the highs and lows of your relationship (toxic relationship drama). Any mature person would tell you to run FROM that not back to that
3) neither relationship may be for you. You said you wanted to focus on yourself, choose yourself. The new guy sounds better than your ex but is he better than focusing that time on you?
sounds like neither is Mr Right.. why do you have to choose one your only 23. see what else is out there
Wow. Your ex is amazing. I mean it in the best way. I wouldn’t say your values are different, it just sounds like you’re both in different places in your life, and it’s okay to be in different places. If you don’t see yourself committing to him, then it’s not meant to be. Move on. If the new guy isn’t doing it for you, then it sounds like neither guy is what you need right now.
It seems to me like you’ve jumped into relationships here without taking some needed time for yourself to figure out what you want, and I think ultimately, that’s what you really need to do.
Go for the new guy. This reminds me of my relationship in some way. You better go for someone that has a similar out look to yours. Let your ex find his person and find yours.