We dated for 1.5 years. The first six months were perfect, just a wonderful bliss. The last year of our relationship my mental health deteriorated as insecurities and unresolved past trauma caught up with me. I never dealt with my mental health I just kind of let it go thinking it would get better and what could go wrong, I have the best person in the world by my side, and also I guess I was just scared to reach out for help and my pride wouldn’t let me admit I need therapy.
As my mental health got worse I changed a lot. I changed my opinions on various things, my political views shifted, I started to feel just anger and hate for various things. I sometimes would lash out and my girlfriend would see that first hand. She told me multiple times that I changed and that this wasn’t good and things needed to change because they can’t stay the way they are. Again I agreed but I just thought it would get better by itself and I’d just thug it out.
In September I finally decided I’d go to therapy to work on myself, in the beginning of December I actually started with a therapist. I didn’t tell my girlfriend because I was scared she would think less of me and I just didn’t want my ego to take a hit, I was scared to be vulnerable with her.
Mid January we broke up. She told me she doesn’t see this working the way it is and that she needed space to process things and to find herself again. We met up a week later and I tried to convince her to stay, I told her about the therapy at that point but she said she likely wouldn’t come back. A week later she said she wouldn’t come back and we exchanged our belongings.
Yesterday I was feeling really hurt and sad and I got really drunk. I ended up texting her, asking how she could give up on me if she really loved me and things like that. She took it as me trying to guilt trip her into coming back and said she sees I haven’t changed at all and that she doesn’t see this working. We went around in circles a bit, I was desperately trying to figure out why she thought it wouldn’t work in a few months when I work through my shit but she wouldn’t say.
She told me we could talk in 4 months again when she’s done with her finals and she can give me good answers then. She said in 4 months we could have a good conversation and clear up things and answer questions, catch up etc. and then maybe part ways peacefully.
I’m devastated. I realize every mistake I’ve made and I regret so many things. I wish I would’ve told her about the therapy sooner, I wish I would’ve started therapy sooner, I wish I would’ve treated her right and communicated well and actually made an effort. It hurts so bad thinking I lost my best friend in the world and the person I had planned my whole life with. I hate the thought that even with change and a good mental state she won’t see this working.
I love her unconditionally even through all the pain I’ve caused her and she’s caused me over our relationship. I can’t move on from this, I’ve tried but how can I move on when she did nothing wrong. It would be so much easier if she cheated or I could just picture her as the villain but I know that’s not true, I know every mistake I made and I know I’m the reason this relationship failed.
I am committed to working on myself and bettering myself, working through my issues and insecurities and I’m learning how to communicate and be vulnerable and I want to be the person she fell in love with at the start.
When the time comes I want to show her how far I’ve come, how much better I am and how this relationship would really work, but I don’t know how. I want this relationship to work and I can’t just give up on it right when I’m getting better, when I’m starting to put in an effort.
I don’t know what to do, I hope someone here can give me some wisdom or share some experiences. How can I get her back?