I am 27F and he is 29M. We have a 14 month old son together. We’ve been together 7 years, married for 2. He is a manager at a tire shop, and I’m a stay at home mom. Throughout our relationship, we have argued more than the norm. Honestly at the beginning most of the arguments were caused and escalated by me. (I have many mental health issues due to abuse and neglect throughout childhood. I have depression, anxiety, OCD, OCPD, BPD, and PTSD. These mental health issues caused arguments. I have been to therapy on and off and have tried about a dozen different medications.)
However, as time went on, my husband understandably grew less and less patient. He went from putting up with more than he should have with me, to finally being at the end of his rope. This was around October. He would pack up our child’s things to move out to his mom’s at very small arguments, he would shut down the second I displayed any emotion other than happy, and he talked to me like absolute trash. Even in the smallest of arguments, he would say the MOST EXTREME out of pocket things. When he began this behavior, I had a rude awakening and started shaping up quickly. When arguments would happen, I would be much more careful not to escalate (yelling, cussing, saying hurtful things, etc) but HE would. His bar of what was acceptable went from WAY too low to WAY too high, in the matter of weeks. He brought out actual divorce papers twice. He packed all of his things about 7 times. This all lasted for about 3 months. I got better and better, and he got worse and worse. We really destroyed our connection and lost everything. We hit a crossroads where we almost broke up. But he saw the change in me and decided to stay. I, however, weirdly enough at this point after the terrible treatment for months, and months of begging him to stay and him being SO cold and cruel, I started to lose feelings and attraction and barely even wanted to be together anymore. I pulled back and retreated somewhere into my mind. I haven’t really spoke to anyone since. I’ve been in a dark place. Things cooled down since then and it’s been 2 months of fairly normal.
We haven’t really had sex, though. We’re still working our way back to that level of connection. He tried to initiate last night and it was clear I wasn’t feeling it. So I explained to him that the whirlwind of abuse he put me through just a couple months ago, for months, kind of left me feeling raw and not super attracted or horny. He got very upset and said that I should be okay because he’s okay, and he just did to me what I did to him. And if he’s fine, I should be fine. I said, well, this was more recent and more extreme. I said, I never brought out actually divorce papers and you did. He said, well you threatened it and that’s basically same thing.
So basically now we’re at this place where we are healing, but all the trauma he put me through hasn’t faded yet. I dont feel very loved, liked, wanted, or anything by him. I don’t feel seen by him, I don’t feel understood by him. I don’t trust him. I love him, and we have a connection and friendship worth fighting for. We aren’t interested in divorcing. But we are in a rough spot.
How do I get over the trauma of the abuse he put me through and threats to leave, and become fully in love and attracted to him again? How can I feel safe enough to want him again? Any advice appreciated.