I (25m) had my first romantic experience about a year ago. I met a girl, we dated for some 7 months, I fell head over heels in love for her and she left me for another man. I was heartbroken but after 6 months of working through the pain I met a new girl and we hit it off. We have great communication, started a formal relationship and it’s everything I could hope for. We trust each other, communicate everything, we’ve spent entire weeks together without getting tired. Where with my ex I felt permanently excited and a little worried she might leave me, with this new girl I feel content and at peace. We have great sex and I find her attractive, and I really do love her.
But…some small part of me keeps reminding me that while my new relationship is great and my gf is very pretty (most would say prettier than my ex), I’m just not as attracted to her as I was my ex.
My ex was exactly my type, it was like she was handcrafted to be the most attractive woman possible to me. Everything from her body to her style and mannerisms was just everything I wanted as far as looks are concerned. I completely stopped thinking about other women because she was just that perfect to me.
With my new gf I still think she’s super attractive, but just doesn’t drive me as crazy. It sucks because she’s better in every other way, and I know it’s not fair to compare them. But I worry because this is straining my relationship. Is it just temporary infatuation? How can I get over this and fully enjoy a relationship I know is more fulfilling and healthier?
39 comments
Sounds to me that you get too enamored over a woman’s looks… No offense, OP, but you are coming off like some kind of female teenager right now.
“Omg, I got a new boyfriend and he’s super hot and so nice to me! I’m like soooo content. But guys… my ex… omg if you saw him… he’s like super attractive and excitinggggg. His stunning body, his style, his mannerisms… oh lordyyyy me, he was PERFECT.”
Now I understand why your ex left you for another man.
Looks fade and women realize this. If these beautiful women know that you are way too captivated by her looks, she sees you as a thirsty dork and she won’t respect you. It’s fine to appreciate a woman’s beauty, but a man isn’t swayed by it. It only brings curiosity. For you, OP, beauty hypnotizes you…
You should be thinking how these women can contribute to your life… outside of being someone standing beside you like a trophy wife. If your new girlfriend starts to realize that you are only with her because of her beauty, she won’t take you seriously and she’ll be the next one to go.
I’ve been in your shoes, and I know it’s hard. but try to focus on what your current girlfriend brings to your life, instead of comparing her to your ex. Attraction can grow with time, especially when you truly appreciate and love the person for who they are.
you should probably get some therapy or something
Leave your girlfriend so she finds someone who will be head over heels for her
This is a classic case of ‘you want what you can’t have’
Keep your head up man, and while you’re at it, remember to think with the correct head.
Do you are young, you obviously have good looks and game because you have no problem finding girlfriends quickly.
You are not into this girl, find different one. Its not a problem that the new one is not like your ex, the problem is that you are not that into her. Find someone new you are really into.
If you feel like no other woman compares to your ex despite the fact that they’re objectively attractive, maybe you need more time to get over her before dating again. You seem like you’re putting your ex on a pedestal which isn’t healthy either.
you’re not necessarily in the wrong, OP, as you can’t control your feelings but this is kinda horrible for your current girlfriend. don’t you think she deserves someone who is as captivated by her appearance as they are by her personality? you said 6 months after your ex left you, you met your current GF. i think maybe that was too soon, and you’re not over her.
i think you should leave her and focus on yourself, growing as a person and healing. and also identifying exactly what it is you want from a woman – including looks. because essentially, what it seems like to me, is that you’re settling in your current relationship because it’s a comfortable and ‘good’ one on paper, but in reality it isn’t as fulfilling as you’d like. and i’m sure if your GF knew how you felt it would really hurt her. so you should probably be alone for the time being. hope this helps.
It’s kinda weird to even compare her to your ex. Sounrs like you’re not even over your ex yet.
I mean you often don’t end up with the one who’s the best looking, but usually you just don’t care…
She deserves better, let her go so she can be happy with someone who appreciates her.
You’re focusing too much on the physical and not enough on the character of the person which is what’ll ruin it for you.
Don’t waste your new girlfriend’s time. If you were really into her, your ex wouldn’t even come to mind and there would be no comparisons. Your new girlfriend deserves better and someone who truly appreciates her.
Best advice I can give you:
If your ex has left you for another man, why is she worth thinking about?
If your current girlfriend is head over heals for you, why think about your ex who wasn’t?
Just stop thinking about your ex, she isn’t worth it. And it definitely isn’t worth considering the possibility of getting her back.
With your ex it will never be what you have with your girlfriend now. So stop thinking about her.
Delete any pictures or memories you have of her, and move on. Double down and put more effort in with your girlfriend.
You started dating too soon. You’re not over your ex. Leave the girlfriend, go to therapy.
Imagine if your current girlfriend told you right now that she’s having a hard time getting over how attractive her ex is. What would be your advice to her? Probably 1) “don’t date me if you’re not over him”, or 2) “get over him and focus on me”. This is an exercise in mental strength. Do you want to stay with your girlfriend currently? If yes, then pull yourself together.
Beauty is fleeting.
Eventually we’re all old and wrinkled.
Move forward with a relationship where the virtues sustain caring for each other beyond looks that fade.
Getting back to your ex can’t happen. She didn’t want to marry you or be your gf. You need to get over her and drop it. You have no choice in that matter. She doesn’t want you. You can either choose to try and marry this current gf, if you are willing to commit and she is. Or you try and find someone else. Not that it’s a guarantee the new one would be better than your current gf. Those are your choices. Live with it.
Dude. Youre attracted to the toxicity. You put her on a pedestal in your head. She is trash with a trash heart. Cut the shit. Peace is worth more than the high you get from the push/pull of a toxic relationship
I hope she finds this and leaves you.
Your relationship is not perfect if you find your ex more attractive than the woman you’re currently with and you’re comparing their looks. Imagine how your girlfriend would feel is she ever finds this thread.
If this is not something you can get over, the decent thing to is let your current gf go. She deserves a man who doesn’t compare her looks to his ex. Put yourself in her shoes, how likely are you to stay with a woman if you found out that she’s still much more physically attracted to her ex than you?
Been there, you just gotta get over it
You’re pedestalizing her forsure. Just don’t waste years of your life like me
you feel this way because you still have feelings for your ex. i was the same way as you with the guy i dated. he was perfect in every way, but he wasn’t tall like my ex (he was 5’7, my ex was 6’2). i don’t know why i was so hung up on it, but after deeper reflection, i realized it wasn’t the height thing, but rather that it just wasn’t my ex
simultaneously, the same thing was happening with the guy, who wasn’t over his ex, and he was constantly comparing me to her. obviously it didn’t work out bc the ex gf reached out to him and he went right back to her (despite him verbally mentioning how toxic she is)
it’s funny, when he was “breaking up” with me, he was literally asking me to wait for him while he “finds closure”. he even knew the relationship wouldn’t work. It’s sad and pathetic. don’t be like him, OP.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Why do people rush into relationships and string people along. I feel so bad for your current GF, you should leaving her so she can meeting someone who isn’t in love with their ex.
“Permanently excited and worried she might leave” – this is a sign of anxious attachment whereas now you have a secure attachment. Sure the anxiousness made you feel a certain way but it’s definitely not healthy. The security and safety you feel now is what real love is and it may feel “normal” or “boring” because you don’t get those butterflies in your stomach but it’s key to long term relationship. Don’t trust your emotions.
Dude you are idolizing your ex. Somehow you never made the connection in your head that the thing that you are idolizing (because it’s not a real representation of your ex) is responsible if that pain you felt.
Leaving someone for someone else like that is a really shitty thing to do and you need to have that glass shattering moment where you realize that your ex has seriously hurt you and probably would do it again(again in your head your idol would never but you fell like if you just had her back it would be perfect it won’t be).
The way you describe your feelings for your ex is lust and honestly lust can disappear really easily once this illusion is shattered. What you described with your gf is love.
If you really want to get over your ex you need to go over all of the things that she did that weren’t just painful but also not perfect. You need to humanize her and see her for her flaws.
To be honest you will get a lot further in life if you can just recognize flaws in people and see if you hate, are indifferent to or love their flaws. I.e. I hate when she eats in bed, it doesn’t bother me that she puts her cold feet on me, I love that she always asks me for help with getting things from tall shelves or opening the pickle jar.
I tell you all this because you definitely don’t deserve your girlfriend the way you are now but hope you can pull your head out of your ass and redeem yourself for both of your sakes
This is something I struggle with as well. And it tends to happen with every break up for me. It’s like an ex is setting a new standard. When I shouldn’t even be comparing.
What has helped me is finding one specific physical characteristic I like better, and letting that be my obsession for a while. And then that tends to expand to other things. Especially if I like the relationship better.
And, while I know you said your ex was handcrafted for you. If you think about it, I’m sure there is some little thing, physically, you like slightly better about your current partner. Even as simple as the length of her hair.
Yeah you should leave your girlfriend and find someone you’re truly attracted to
Damn. Your current girlfriend sounds perfect. Pretty, trustworthy, loves you exclusively! If you blow it by pining over a hot woman who left you, you’ll start comparing all the future girls to the quality relationship you sabotaged. I’m not sure you deserve her.
I feel so bad for your current girlfriend who is with someone that’s secretly not over their ex. How would you feel if you were in her shoes and she kept idolizing her ex as the best person for her, but still kept dating you? She deserves so much better, someone who’s 100% into her. Sounds like you’re not over your ex and need to take time to yourself
Your ex was not crafted for you. Would the woman who was crafted for you leave you for or cheat on you with another man? You are idealizing your first love because your first love is memorable, but unfortunately rarely your best. Stop
I would just be grateful and be happy. Some of us aren’t lucky to find someone like that so just treat her right.
You are obsessing over someone who has moved on with her life and potentially sabotaging what sounds like a great relationship.
Therapy would help you work through this issue.
This is why I will remain single because men will have the best woman for them and still want a bitch that don’t want them. Sad!
Start a gratitude practice and get some therapy
Bro found the perfect girl twice over and still wants the one that left him behind. A lot of us don’t get lucky to find perfection twice, if you can even call the first girl perfection… anyway, I’ve never had to deal with this situation so I don’t really know how I can offer any advice but I’d have to say, remove anything from your life that can remind you of her, maybe a certain candle she liked while you two were dating needs to get thrown out, delete any old pictures, throw out old junk of hers you still might have, etc. keep your mind off your ex so you can focus all of your attention to your current girlfriend which by the sounds of it, is treating you better than you are treating her.
You are wasting her time . Go to therapy or heal yourself from childhood trauma about abandonment. You clearly never connected with your inner self
You are not ready for a relationship. If you are thinking about your ex, you don’t really love this woman. It seems you are not over your ex.
Have you considered you might not be over your Ex and the new girlfriend might just have been a rebound?
Then you probably found your Ex exciting because she wasn’t safe and you always felt she had a foot out the door. It’s hard to recreate that excitement in a healthy relationship.
How long were you with your Ex?
In the end everyone gets old and we’ll all look like goblins. But I wouldn’t want to be in this relationship if I was your new girlfriend.