As said in the title, my boyfriend (almost 23M) and I (almost 22F) bought my engagement ring today and i’m sooooo happy (I cried happy tears) but slightly nervous.
##Background
For some background, when we first began dating I told him I wanted to wait to get engaged until we were together for 2 years minimum, and living in our own place. Today was our 2 year anniversary, and we have lived together for 1.5 years with us living in our own apartment for almost half a year.
I changed my wishes slightly by adding that I would additionally like to wait until both of us undergo some indivdual therapy to deal with our individual issues/traumas, and couple’s therapy to give us some tools for navigating our future. My boyfriend is more than okay with these wishes and will not be proposing until we’ve done those three things and asking my parents for permission.
We moved in together far too fast for unfortunate reasons and it sped our relationship up very rapidly. Due to this, our relationship suffered early on due to things just moving so fast and throughout our relationship we have also endured many outside family struggles. Despite all of this we have both grown individually and as a couple.
I feel very good about our communication skills, our ability to handle stressful situations, our compatibility, our conflict resolutions, our passion and selflessness for one another, etc. I would be happy if our relationship never changed, but I’d be even happier if we continue to change and grow!!
Our lives are so intertwined financially, emotionally, physically, etc. and I am so comfortable with him that getting married feels less like a “big step” and more like a next chapter.
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##My Concerns
What i’m nervous about is, well, a few things.. we are both so young and 20’s are very much a “finding yourself” and “figuring out life” time period. We both grew up fast (him moreso than I) and so to an extent we have already skipped some of that, however I am very much enjoying this stage. Not the cliché 21 year old, going out to college frat parties, getting drunk and hooking up with people kind of “finding myself” but the “what is the point of marriage?”, “what subconcious beliefs do I get from the way I was raised?”, and embracing my mortality and gratitude kind of way. But nevertheless we are young and there is a lot of stigma with getting married young.
I understand why since young people tend to make more stupid, and impulsive decisions. As well as the fact that there is so much growing to be done, I feel as though there is always a lot of growing to be done though. We’ve both finished school, are debt-free, don’t crave going back to the party life, have had previous partners, etc. so neither of us feel we’re missing out on anything, nor have we thought about this as an impulsive decision. However, I still can’t help but feel like maybe there’s a perspective i’m missing(?)
I also worry (because I care too much what other people think) that my parents may react somewhat negatively? My parents LOVE my boyfriend, sometimes more than they love me. They love how respectful he is, how hard working he is, and how much he takes care of me. BUT they don’t like the idea of marriage. They have both been through divorce twice, and feel like marriage is a dumb idea.
BASICALLY, I want an un-biased outside perspective on if i’m missing something/ any insight. I know people don’t just say don’t get married till you’re 25+ to be hurtful and there must be great reasons that I’ll understand when I’m older. All I ask is that if you decide to comment please try to not stereotype us toooo much because of our ages
##TL;DR
“BASICALLY, I want an un-biased outside perspective on if i’m missing something/any insight. I know people don’t just say don’t get married till you’re 25+ to be hurtful and there must be great reasons that I’ll understand when I’m older. All I ask is that if you decide to comment please try to not stereotype us toooo much because of our ages”
3 comments
Marriage that early in life Is definitely challenging. The odds are against you two making it as a couple. Not impossible, just very, very hard. Marriage is not forever, talking from experience. I wouldn’t spend too much on a ring or ceremony knowing what I know now.
It’s not like there is a right or wrong answer here. People say to wait because your brain is still developing until you are about 25, so there is still a lot of room for your personality, values etc to change until that age (these things can also change to some extent after! But a lot of changes do happen in your early to mid-20s). This does mean that if you are with someone when you are younger there is a higher chance that you will grow in different directions. There is definitely some merit to this.
That being said, marriage is a gamble no matter how old you are and how long you have been together (you only have to look at this sub to notice that!) If getting engaged is where you both want to go from here, why not? You are at least already living together, so it’s not like you are marrying just to have sex/move in/whatever else.
You can also have a longer engagement. It is super common now to be engaged for a year or two (or longer) before actually getting married, and you are young enough that you hardly need to rush through the standard steps (engagement -> wedding -> house -> children, whatever else) if that is where your life plan leads.
Not sure any of this is actually what you were looking for, but hopefully some food for thought!
> We’ve both finished school, are debt-free, don’t crave going back to the party life, have had previous partners, etc. so neither of us feel we’re missing out on anything
As a married person, you’re going to make decisions as a married person. “I need to take the safe job because we have a mortgage.” “I can’t go on that holiday with friends because we’re saving.” “I’d love to be at your hens, but I can’t stay overnight because of the baby.” As such, you will end up avoiding or saying no to a lot of experiences many people consider being quintessential to being in your early twenties. So you may think now “I’m not going to miss out on anything”, but you won’t really know until the opportunities have already passed you by. You don’t know now what you might regret missing out on later.
I actually met my now-fiance shortly after I was 20 and he was 25. We didn’t get into a relationship until I was 25 and he was 30. In those 5 years difference, I dated a guy who basically introduced me to every single friend I have now. We started our own business together, which led to me running a theatrical production that will remain one of the top 5 things I will ever do in this lifetime. I lived in about 5 different houses in those years and lived with some pretty incredible people. I was part of a lot of really unusual creative events (and a lot of really unusual sexual experiences) in that time. I also learned a lot about communication and conflict resolution in those years: how to argue well and how to argue poorly. The absolute truth is, I don’t think I would be anywhere near as happy with my fiance now if we had gotten together and stayed together in our early-mid twenties. Those experiences we had when we were dating around made us both richer people.
(Another thing – the guy I started dating when I was 21 was exactly what I wanted when I was 21. By the time I was 24, I was maturing and developing and he hadn’t changed at all. He still wanted to live like he was in his early twenties whereas I wanted to embrace adulthood and responsibilities. Breaking up was painful and upsetting, but nowhere near as painful as it would have been if we had to navigate a divorce, division of property and assets, custody battles.)
If you want to commit to your partner, do it without getting married, without buying property, without having children, until you’re about 25. Enjoy a long engagement of renting together, travelling together, hosting parties together, sharing holidays together. Let your respective careers develop and see which directions they take you in. See how well you guys still fit together once you’re both more immersed in the adult world.