Had to repost due to Reddit rules so sorry if you saw this already.
Hello. I am 26F and my partner is 28M. We have been together for 4 years and live together. I love him so much and I know he’s planning on proposing this year. But as bad as it sounds, I think I’m starting to realize I don’t like him anymore. Or maybe I’ve hit my limit. For starters, I have BPD so I can never really trust my thoughts or feelings because it’s never logical. And I know being in a relationship with me is difficult but I have been in therapy and on medications and actively working on myself and have made so much progress over the last couple years. I feel as though he has not tried to work on himself at all.
Rather, I feel like I am taking care of him. I take care of all the household chores, all of the animal responsibilities (financially and physically), cooking, and work longer hours than he does. We share bills equally but I’m the one who pays them all as all the accounts are in my name. I have been asking him to help out around the house for years now. I will say he does things if I ask in the moment and maybe will occasionally throw in one load of laundry. In my eyes, this is not actually helpful. Every time I bring it up, he tells me he is trying and I don’t appreciate him. He keeps saying I make him feel like he’s never good enough. And I think I realized he isn’t good enough.
Not only that, but recently I’ve realized how much he complains. And it’s literally over everything. He makes comments like “I’m going to punch someone at work”, “I feel like stabbing someone”, etc, CONSTANTLY. As someone with childhood trauma and coming from a DV relationship before this one, I’ve asked him several times to stop. He tells me he would never act on it and that it’s his coping mechanism. It’s just gross to me.
We have been under a lot of stress lately. Our 14 year old dog recently passed (she was mine for the full 14 years), we moved, I accepted another position, and my cousin is currently staying with us because he is homeless.
Other than that, our relationship is pretty good. We have lots in common, I love his family. He has been my rock and I probably wouldn’t be here today without him. He was there when I got my BPD diagnosis and struggled with alcoholism and encouraged me to get help. He has always been emotionally supportive in that aspect. He’s goofy and he makes me laugh. And I don’t feel like I ever experienced love before him. He makes me feel beautiful and powerful. I’m at such a good place in my life with my mental health and career.
I just can’t fathom living this way and spending the rest of my life with this person. I’m just not happy.
tl;dr I’m struggling with the fact that he is currently giving me the ick. He is so negative all the time, never helps out around the house or with the animals. If he’s not at work, he’s smoking pot and playing video games. Never spends time with our animals. I’ve tried to communicate this many times but he gets so defensive. Talking to him is impossible. At what point do I keep trying to communicate or call it quits?