I’m a 23 f, and I can’t seem to befriend other women or deepen the connections that I have with them. I have friends that are girls but we are so distant, it’s like I can’t go further than acquaintance level friendship. I want to be able to have deep relationships with them just like I do with some male friends, but it’s so hard. Maybe it’s because I’m both a little bit autistic and I’ve mostly been around men.
Sometimes, It feels like there’s a manual that they all have read and I’m the only one that haven’t got one. I’m trying to make sense of it all so please tell me what you think about these scattered thoughts and observations i have had over the years:
\- Their lingo is a mystery for me like the “slay, serving cunt”
Personally I love it and think it’s hilarious, but I don’t know how to use those words, where it came from or if I’m allowed to use it when I don’t know anything about it. I try using it sometimes when i meet other girls and it works. It feels like we have established a connection and we are having a good time, but then they say something that I don’t understand or I say something that doesn’t make sense (because I’m lacking the lingo and other things) and it’s like they know I’m not a part of them. Like I’m some kind of impostor. I don’t blame them, they thought they found someone similar to them but I’m just a fake.
\- I’m too “proper” or nervous
What I mean is, I’m not comfortable enough to make some sexual jokes or know where the boundary is (either it’s too much or too serious etc). And I know this is not essential for a good friendship, but it’s sometimes a part of banter, which can sometimes lead to deepening a relationship. I have seen a bunch of girls get closer from doing this (usually egirls). I can do these kinds of jokes with my male friends or male strangers, like if anyone gets shot from behind we joke around about getting backshots. I can joke with guys but when I’m with other girls it feels like every word i say is wrong or I get a pity or disinterested laugh.
\- Not being a specialist of that shared interest
I’ve met a lot of girls that are into things like kpop groups (stray kids specifically) and I’m struggling to connect with them. I love the same things but when I talk to them they know things down to the t, like “how many concerts straykids have had, or who they are collaborating with” i don’t know anything about those things, i just like felix and the music (of course i like the rest too!). However it feels like i need to be a die-hard fan to be able to connect with these people. same goes for other interests. You have to know everything or the conversation dies and they lose interest in you. it gets awkward and they leave for something better.
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\- Being inherently flawed
Many times I have felt that my efforts towards things are just not good enough. I buy new clothes to be more comfortable and confident in myself, but it’s the wrong piece be it that it doesn’t fit me, poor quality or the wrong brand. I try to learn more about a topic but I focus on the uninteresting parts, I talk but the topic gets changed right after I’m done, etc. I feel neglected and confused on what I’m doing wrong
I think it got a big connection with confidence. I always feel the need to be the funny unattractive tomboy, like the side character or the quirky friend. I don’t feel comfortable with this role but it feels like it’s the only role that fits me. I don’t want to threaten other women so I make myself small enough for them to keep me around. a lot of my acquaintances online see me like a little puffball pet, I don’t mind them seeing me like that, but a puffball doesn’t get much closer than acquaintance level…
Don’t get me wrong, my friends are super supportive and are trying their best to push me towards being more confident, trying to include me as best as they can, but whenever I do join their meetups or events I end up being the person in the corner. I try to talk but my social skills go out the window around women and i fuck things up. I don’t want my friends to babysit me, i just want to be able to connect with people on my own, i want to be normal just like them.
I love and treasure my friends more than anything. But that’s just some of them. The rest are wonderful but there’s a noticeable wall between us. It feels like I can’t reach them. I want to scream and shout that I would love to get closer to them, but it doesn’t work. Telling it to them doesn’t work either. So there must be something inherently flawed with me. just that I don’t know what. I just want to have my own group of girlfriends where we can support each other.
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I just want to say that this post is in no way meant to be hateful towards women, if I’ve made it look like that I’m deeply sorry. Also if I’m unclear anywhere please let me know or ask if you need more context. Thank you for reading