***Update at the end***
I have been with my fiancé for almost 5 years, engaged for 1.5 years. We’re an inter-racial couple- me being from Canada and he from India.
I finally have a triple-figure net worth, half of which I’ve made since we started dating. He has only a few thousand in savings. Since our relationship, we have always had similar incomes, with him currently making more. I am generally safer with my money, and he has lost alot of his in poor investments.
He has always planned to bring over his parents from India (who I met there recently), to live with us, or nearby. I was uncomfortable with this idea initially, early on in our relationship. After meeting them, I feel more flexible about this, because we all got along fine while staying at their house for a few weeks.
We all realize that I will be the one to pay the downpayment for our first home, as I am the only one with savings. I will likely be equally financially responsible for his parents, because he can’t afford to provide for them by himself, and their only wealth is their house, which they intend to keep.
2 years ago (pre engagement), I told my then boyfriend, that I’d like us to have a cohabitation agreement, because we were coming up to 2 years living together. This would also act as our prenup, if we were to get married. I asked him if he’d be ok with that. He said yes. I included him in the drafts, since he didn’t want to get his own lawyer. When I gave the contract to him to read and sign, he wouldn’t sign.
Fast forward 2 years, and it still isn’t signed. I have tried explaining how it’s important for me to protect myself, especially since I will be contributing the most financially, to provide for us all. I am happy for him to get a lawyer and make ammendments. I just want to know that in the worst case scenario, I won’t continue to be financially responsible for all of them, or lose more than my fair share, because he cannot support his parents. He knows I have witnessed many divorces, including my own parents. I’m a realist and want to be responsible. He feels like I don’t trust him and that I must not truely love him, if I’m thinking of finances.
I understand that our opinions on this are somewhat cultural, but I think it’s unfair for me to be flexible and willing to take all of this on, without any security net if things go south. I was very resentful and anxious after the few failed attempts I made at having him sign/discussing it. I always left the conversations feeling selfish and immoral. I eventually gave up and have tried to let it go.
We’re two months away from our wedding now and some of this worry and resentment is resurfacing. What would you suggest doing in this situation? He is otherwise a wonderful, kind man and I do love him.
***UPDATED***
Wow, I did not expect so many responses. Thank you.
To clarify:
– we do currently split everything 50/50, and would continue to do so.
– the exception being the down payment and any potential costs he and his parents can’t cover (which I know is unfair)
– but, his argument is that we would save on child care.
– yes, he sends part of his salary home to his parents.
-his parents would rent out part of their house in India and keep the other half. They could contribute this, but it still won’t convert to much here.
– they both intend on getting part-time jobs here.
– Ideally, they would be in an in-law suite, or duplex. I have made it clear that I don’t want to share the same four walls, when they are healthy enough to look after themselves. But who knows what we’ll be able to afford. Prices in our city are insane.
– Yes, I meant “six figure net worth” 🤦♀️
– They are not as traditional as most families in India. Ex. They ensured their daughters received the exact same education as my partner and they have similar jobs there.
– He’s very generous when he can be. Ex. He funded our trip to India.
– I am aware that at this point, the cohab/prenup would likely be considered invalid anyway, because signing dates are so different, and we’re too close to the wedding. I don’t know what else to do to in that regard! In my province, he is already entitled to half of what I’ve made during our relationship, simply because we’ve lived together for 2 years….I didn’t know about this until 1.5 years in, hence the request for a cohab agreement at the time. If he had signed on time, I would have been protected in time. I didn’t want to force him with a deadline, because of the “coersion” factor.
– yep, half of the resentment is him going back on his word, but this is the only situation in 5 years, where that’s happened.
So yeah, the situation is a bit more nuanced and Im already slightly screwed if we call off the wedding. Are there any other ways to protect myself?
38 comments
Time to set the end date for breakup.
He’s not signing for the same reasons you want him to sign.
Set a 2 week time limit. He’s not signing then it’s over. He’s chosen.
You already know it.
The next man you date needs to have more financial stability. Lesson learned.
Update: seek legal counsel on this matter. But you would be better breaking it off.
Oh, I just wouldn’t get married to him then. He is 100% assuming you’re going to go through with this wedding whether he signs it or not, and he doesn’t see how he could benefit from signing it, so he’s just not going to do it. ANd I think you’d be crazy for letting him get away with that. Make the prenup a pre-requisite for getting married.
Also, you do you, but I think you’re insane for entertaining the idea of his parents living with you. I love my husband’s parents, but there’s no way in hell I want them living in my house or being part of my daily life. Also, ask some of your western-assimilated Asian and Indian friends what it would be like having Indian parents living with you. Hint: it will be a very different experience than when you stayed with them and got along for a few weeks.
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>I will likely be equally financially responsible for his parents, because he can’t afford to provide for them by himself, and their only wealth is their house, which they intend to keep.
Ok, this is crazy too. They are HIS parents. They are moving over here, they are not contributing financially, even though they have a house they could sell, and their own son isn’t going to contribute financially for this. Just, no. If they want to come here, they can sell their house to do it at the very least, even if you still need to supplement that some with your own money, but your husband should really be doing the lion’s share here.
Do not marry him without something signed.
What the hell is a triple figure net worth? 100 bucks?
>triple-figure net worth
So, what, like, a hundred bucks? That’s triple figures, right? 😂
>I am generally safer with my money, and he has lost alot of his in poor investments.
Do not marry this man.
>We all realize that I will be the one to pay the downpayment for our first home, as I am the only one with savings. I will likely be equally financially responsible for his parents, because he can’t afford to provide for them by himself, and their only wealth is their house, which they intend to keep.
Do not marry this man.
>2 years ago (pre engagement), I told my then boyfriend, that I’d like us to have a cohabitation agreement, because we were coming up to 2 years living together. This would also act as our prenup, if we were to get married.
Smart.
> When I gave the contract to him to read and sign, he wouldn’t sign.
Ok so first up: He was right. a prenup is a negotiation, not a unilateral lultimatum. Each partner should have input into it. Each partner should have independent legal advice. In many countries, if he had not had independent legal counsel, the prenup would be invalid, it would be thrown out of court. So he was right not to sign it. He should, however, have opened negotiations with you about it.
>I am happy for him to get a lawyer and make ammendments.
That’s better. You should have said it two years ago though. He probably feels you have been trying to bully him into signing something that disadvantages him.
>He feels like I don’t trust him and that I must not truely love him, if I’m thinking of finances.
That is naive of him. Marriage is a business contract first, and a relationship second.
>We’re two months away from our wedding now
Oh no, no, no. NO.
>What would you suggest doing in this situation?
Well, first of all I’d have got him a lawyer two years ago. Then, subsequently, when he continually refused to even discuss it, I’d have broken up. And when he suggested you pay for his parents to live nearby, parents who would live off you but keep their own money, I’d have broken up. And I would not have made plans to marry.
Having, however, repeatedly missed these warning signs and not broken up, I would now break up.
>He is otherwise a wonderful, kind man and I do love him.
That’s nice. It’s not enough though, is it? He and his parents are a financial disaster for you.
This ends here.
You have to put an expiry date on your request with the result of cancelation of everything if he doesn’t. He’s not the one for you.
Break it off and say no to the parents.
I suggest you put the wedding, and in-laws moving in until.he signs. I would also say that if he doesn’t sign in x amount of days the relationship is over and you are moving forward without him. He gets to decide if he signs but you decide what is and is not acceptable to you.
You cannot proceed with the wedding. Nowhere in this post do you say why he won’t sign, so I’m assuming he’s just been stalling you with various excuses. This is absolutely breaking the trust in the relationship and you cannot enter a legal relationship with the questions that this raises.
No ultimatums, have one last discussion on the prenup, ensuring he understands that no-one is walking away until it’s settled one way or another. If he still avoids it or refuses to sign, you should cancel the wedding immediately.
Do not marry without this agreement, or one like it, signed. I would suggest you see this as a relationship ending issue. You are not getting younger and he is just eating up your time.
He is not signing because he knows you will cave under his pressure. Why? Because you didn’t break up with him 2 years ago.
You are his financial plan for the rest of his and his parent’s life, not a partner. If you were my best friend, I wouldn’t stand by and watch you commit yourself to this man who is clearly pulling a lifetime scam on you.
Your post is teeming with 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>He is otherwise a wonderful, kind man and I do love him.
So this wonderful man thinks it’s okay for him AND his parents to sponge off of you for the rest of time. And won’t sign the prenup that protects you when the worst happens (and given your story, it will).
His parents being kind hosts for two weeks is worlds away from moving them into your home. Why are they not selling their home in India and buying something here? Nearby is bad enough, but living with them is a huge mistake. So many posts on Reddit from both Indian and non-Indian women regretting that decision to live with their in-laws.
Please reconsider marriage at this time. There are NO positives in this scenario for you!
He has already refused to sign it. He just hasn’t said so in words because he knows when you realize he won’t sign, the relationship is over.
What do you get out of this relationship? Just companionship and sex? Because it doesn’t sound like he is making your life better in any practical way.
Marriage is ultimately a financial and legal action. You are signing up to be financially responsible for 3 adults, one of which has shown he doesn’t have basic financial discipline, or at the very least, would be a net drain on you financially, likely forever. Do you want to bear the burden of all the finances for him and his parents? What about if you have children and you have to continue working full-time while raising children, deal with two useless adults in your house that aren’t contributing, all while your husband continues to make “bad investments”? Do you want to be paying alimony, as well as having to leave your own home (that you paid for) and keep paying the mortgage and expenses on it while him and his parents live in it? If a marriage isn’t financially beneficial to you, there is no point to enter one. Just date in that case.
Also, I don’t know you and this man, but I’ve heard stories of Indian men marrying Western women for financial reasons. Obviously, that’s not always true, but in this case, it doesn’t sound like he’s marrying you with good intentions if he won’t sign the pre-nup when your financial situation is so lopsided.
The reality is that he can’t (and sounds like wont ever be able to) afford to bring his parents here and support them, which is a big shame in his culture, and he’s finding a sugar mama to do it for him. I read a post on Reddit not too long ago where a woman was trapped in this situation, serving his parents who emotionally abused and disrespected her in her own home, while she was supporting the entire household and doing pretty much everything else. There was another post by a woman in a similar situation where the husband divorced her and married an Indian woman once he had his parents settled in the US, taking most of her assets in the divorce. I also know in real life at least three women who married men (not Indian) who were working solid professional jobs during the dating period and at the time of the marriage, quit their jobs shortly after marriage without agreement from the wife, and the wives had to support them (and in some cases, their children if they had children before he quit his job). Now the women are paying extensive alimony 10+ years out from the divorce.
If he was agreeing to the pre-nup, I wouldn’t be thinking of those situations, but this really sounds like a case where you guys have very different motivations. Personally, I would never date a man who was worse off financially than me again – I learned my lesson there, but if you absolutely must be in a relationship with him then just date and don’t marry. And certainly don’t move two adults into your home that he’s incapable of supporting himself. That’s just begging for problems – they’ll be tenants of your home. Also, typically when you sponsor someone to immigrate, you legally agree to be financially responsible for them, which you don’t need.
You stand to gain absolutely nothing from this marriage and there’s a lot you can lose. Even if you don’t divorce, you can still lose quite a lot. Once your money and home are communal assets, what’s to stop your husband from squandering them (and taking loans out against the house) just like he did with his own money? Marriage is a legal and financial decision, much like a business deal, and you would never enter a business deal where you take on all the risk and bring in all the assets, yet have very little potential upside, so I’m not sure why you are still entertaining this.
By the way, before I get any nasty comments, I would say the exact same thing about this story if the genders were reversed. If a marriage isn’t expected to be financially, legally, and practically beneficial to both parties in a significant way, it’s fine – not every relationship has to be, but then they should stick to dating.
>2 years ago (pre engagement), I told my then boyfriend, that I’d like us to have a cohabitation agreement, because we were coming up to 2 years living together.
>Fast forward 2 years, and it still isn’t signed.
>We’re two months away from our wedding now
Nope. If he’s acting like this and yall ain’t even married, it’s not worth it. He hasn’t signed something he knows is important….FOR TWO YEARS. Why waste more time?
Are you aware that in multi generation Indian homes, the daughter in law is the unpaid house cleaner and cook?
He wants to flay you, never trust anyone with money or shared assests that you’re fronting the cost
Postpone the wedding. No sign, no wedding. He is going to keep pushing this off until he has safely trapped you in marriage. Don’t be a fool. He is scheming and his family is probably in on it.
It’s not by accident that you leave those conversations feeling selfish and immoral, it’s by design. If he convinces you that you are, it’s easier to take advantage of you to help himself and his family.
If I were you, I wouldn’t marry him. *Do not* sacrifice your future for him. I’m telling you right now you’ll regret it. Protect yourself at all costs.
Someone who truly loves you would have no problem with you protecting yourself in the event of a worse case scenario because it’s not wrong to be a realist. And protecting yourself certainly doesn’t mean you don’t love someone. Seriously OP: *Do. Not. Marry. This. Man.*
Without each of you having your own lawyer, the prenup won’t be worth the paper it’s written on.
Girl, do not marry this man without anything signed! Im surprised you still want to marry him with this resentment with him dragging his feet in signing it and quite frankly manipulating you about the whole thing saying you dont trust him – I dont trust him by the sounds of it!!
Don’t marry this guy, you’re being set up to support him and his family and become the family servant and if you decide to leave at any point you’re going to pay for it with half your savings. Run!! Too many red flags to count.
Do not marry this man.
Run. Wtf are you doing?
We need an update when all this plays out.
Do you have any backbone? You made a huge stand about the cohabitation agreement (whatever that is — and rightly so, looking at the circumstances) and yet you spent two years not enforcing it. Now weeks before the wedding you think he’ll magically agree to it?
From the limited context you provided, you absolutely should have a prenup. If I’m being honest, you absolutely shouldn’t marry him because it sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.
Cancel the wedding. He doesn’t care enough about protecting your interests to be a good husband to you.
It sucks a LOT.
I’m sorry, but it’s sounds sketchy as hell.
Give him one last chance, “I’m serious about this pre-nup. I need you to sign it. If you don’t have it signed by Friday of next week, I’m cancelling the wedding.”
Then follow through
You make about the same amount of money and he has no savings. Why aren’t you fucking terrified of tying yourself to that financially and legally?!??!! Especially if you’re going to have joint accounts so he can just spend your money as easily as he spends his.
My advice – full stop on the wedding. Not only do you need to get the prenup figured out (you guys are likely in the time period where it might be consider coercion even if it is decided – ask a lawyer) you guys also need to get on the same page about finances. It seems like you’re just brushing past the no savings and bad investments like the prenup will protect you.
A prenup will NOT protect you from your spouses poor financial decisions. Especially if he has any access to your money, but even if he doesn’t and debt he gets will likely be marital debt and could result in you supporting everyone.
You need to pause everything, take a breath, and protect yourself.
Sorry, this is already finished. He refuses to be bound by a pre-nuptual agreement. And it’s working for him as you are still engaged to marry him. Like, soon. All divorces end up in a court room pre-nup or otherwise. A judge will likely look at any pre-nup or post-nup you may have with this man and nullify it for the very reasons you spell out in your post. He clearly did not want to sign, but ultimately felt pressured to do so.
An airtight prenup must be signed and completed by both parties at least a few months before the wedding date. Both parties must have separate lawyers and there must be clear evidence of negotiating back and forth with both parties compromising. It’s way to late here for any of that, not that your fiance would have participated in that process.
Not withstanding all that, are you really going to marry a man and end up with THREE ADULT DEPENDENTS? Not only will you be required to keep this man-child in the lifestyle to which he will quickly become accustomed, but you will also be required to support his parents after the divorce.
DO NOT MARRY. PERIOD.
Don’t marry him at all. Even with a prenup. There are so many red flags. He can pay towards and support his damn parents on his own. He can get them a separate home. What are fyou, the idiot ATM. For such a smart , successful person , you are making foolish reckless decisions with your personal life. Once you move the inlaws in , it will be hell to evict all of them when the time comes. Please wake up now, get rid of your deadbeat fiancé.
Do not marry this man. You will be buying him a home to house HIS parents in, as well as financially supporting them (despite him making more than you) because “he’s bad with savings?” And as if he wasn’t enough of a gold-digger in this relationship, he’s refusing to sign a prenup, because he doesn’t want to loose his golden goose once you wisen up and leave him?
Run, and don’t look back. Don’t even bother telling him “no prenup, no wedding;” he’s purposely dragging his feet (and allowing your wedding to creep closer and closer) hoping to force your hand. Cancel the wedding, break up, and find someone that is a partner, not a leech.
Pre-nup aside, it sounds like you are making a lot of personal and financial sacrifices for someone who hasn’t made any efforts to grow as a person, at least when it comes to money. Has he made any attempts to learn better financial literacy in the past 5 years? Or will he continue to expect you to cover your investments and support his family while he makes poor financial decisions?
Keep in mind money is one of the top reasons people get divorced.
This will end poorly
OP, you’ve gotten a lot of very good comments about the financial red flags here and I won’t rehash them, but I do want to also note that if his parents are coming over sponsored by you/your husband and your husband doesn’t have savings to cover them, you will be the one on the hook for the costs of their sponsorship. I’m talking thousands of dollars associated with the applications alone; plus, as a family class sponsor of new temporary residents to Canada, you are legally considered financially responsible by IRCC for the people you are sponsoring. If the marriage goes south and you are the only person on the hook as sponsor because your spouse has no money, you’re going to be in a VERY sticky predicament.
As someone originally from the subcontinent let me just say that this is not going to end well for you.
He is nice now. He wants things from you. When you are married or have kids the true character will show. Believe his actions. He does not want to protect you he wants your money and time.
Not sure if it’s the same in Canada, but in the US if you are his parents sponsor when bringing them over you will still be financially responsible for them even after divorce/pre-nup. Being a sponsor is an agreement with the government you will take care of them financially, that they won’t need any government assistance and no pre-nup can negate that.
Hon. Don’t marry him.
I’m a former Law clerk, in part, working in divorce, in Ontario.
Do not marry him unless and until he receives independent legal advice from his own lawyer, who will sign the certificate. If he just signs off, right now, it is more easily challenged, later. He must have his own lawyer sign off too.
Next, you are clearly responsible financially. He is clearly not.
Why … why … why … if bringing his parents over is so important to him, did he not choose to save conservatively and safely, rather than playing silly buggers with investments?
Next. If you sign off on as an immigration sponsor, you WILL be held responsible for his parents. That is what a sponsor does. You will be legally obliged, under your sponsorship agreement.
So … He can’t sponsor them? Really.
So … You are two months from marrying a man who is irresponsible with money, doesn’t put his own money on his priorities, is asking you to be responsible for his parents, and won’t sign a prenup.
I am honestly heartbroken to say this, but you are being used.
Please, I beg of you … don’t marry him. Please.