I hope this is an okay sub to post this on. My husband “Jack” and I have been together for six years, married for three. He has a seven year old daughter “Hazel”. We met when Hazel was a baby, but I didn’t spend much time with her until she was two, because her mother “Amy” sadly died and she came to live with my husband full time (they had been coparenting and were on friendly terms before that.) I never really planned on being a parent figure to her to begin with but when I moved in and was spending so much time with her I bonded with her really quickly, and now here we are. She’s the sweetest kid in the world, I love her to an extent I didn’t think it was possible to love *anything* and I definitely see her as my child. But I’ve always been really careful to remember that she’s not, and I’ve never asked her to call me ‘mummy’ or anything – sometimes she does on her own but I always make sure to remind her that she had a mum who loved her.
Part of the reason of this is I grew up in care, and I know what it’s like to go into a new home where people act like they’re your parents when you know that they aren’t. And I also know what it’s like when you *do* bond with foster parents and then get moved on for whatever reason and never see them again, and while I don’t plan on ever divorcing Jack I’m worried that if that does happen it would crush her. I was never adopted or anything but I did stay close to my last foster mum “Esther”, who I was with for a few years. I still see her pretty often.
Anyway, this issue started the other night. I was reading to Hazel before bed and out of absolutely nowhere she asked me why her dad has parents and brothers and sisters and cousins etc. and I don’t have anyone. I kind of explained it to her in basic terms that I didn’t have parents and she asked who looked after me and so it kind of turned into an impromptu lesson on what foster care is and I pointed out that Esther (who she’s met before) was kind of like a mum. And then she asked why I don’t call her mum then and I just said it’s because she never adopted me so she wasn’t officially my mum (this isn’t really true and in hindsight was a really stupid thing to say but I was thinking on the spot of child-friendly ways to explain all this).
Anyway, she went to sleep and I thought that was the end of it until today, when Jack asked me if I’d consider adopting Hazel. Apparently she asked him about it and she wants me to be her mum properly (yes I cried). Obviously I would love to be officially her mum and I would do it in a hearbeat if I thought it was what was best for her but I’m hesitant about this for multiple reasons:
1. I’m worried that my past in care and also the fact I’ve had some mental health issues (which were all resolved before I started dating Jack) will mean I won’t be allowed to which could get Hazel’s hopes up for nothing.
2. I met Amy a few times and she was such a lovely and kind person. I don’t want to erase her from Hazel’s life. Equally, Amy’s parents are still in her life and I don’t want them to feel I’m trying to steal their granddaughter, and adopting her would legally separate her from Amy and thus from them.
Does anyone have experience with this from either my position or Hazel’s? I would love some advice or to hear other people’s experiences with this.
TL;DR: my stepdaughter wants me to adopt her but I’m worried that I won’t be allowed to and even if I could it would be overstepping my place.
EDIT: Thank you for all the advice everyone. I just wanted to clear up a few things:
* When I say I’ve never asked her to call me mum, I mean I’ve never asked her or referred to myself as mummy or anything. When she does I don’t tell her not to, I just make a note to talk about Amy later that day (not immediately) so she doesn’t forget her. However, I realise now that this wasn’t the right way to go about it.
* I posted on here mainly because I wanted outside opinions and maybe from people who’d been in a similar situation. I’m not doing in lieu of talking to my husband or Hazel’s grandparents, I’ve been talking to Jack about my concerns already and was going to bring it up to them if we decided to go ahead.
* Regarding not telling her about the adoption until it’s certain: it’s not possible, the process involves a social worker interviewing all three of us, so she would have to know.
I think some of you were right in that thinking I was placing myself in her shoes or putting her in my situation, when we are not the same. I knew some people from when I was a kid who were adopted and have expressed regret about being severed from their bio families, even if they are happy in their adoptive families and I was worried about that. However these situations are not the same and I shouldn’t have projected my feelings onto her.
We’ve decided that we’re going to look into adoption. I’m going to call Hazel’s grandparents tonight, and if I get their blessing, I’m going to tell Hazel tomorrow that I would love to adopt her if she still wants me to, and be explicitly clear that she can call me mummy if she wants to. It is incidentally Mother’s Day tomorrow and we usually visit both her grandmas in the morning and then have a girls’ afternoon, so I can tell her then if she seems up to it. I’m also going to apologize for making her think we weren’t a proper family by my stupid comments about Esther. Thank you all again for your advice 🙂
37 comments
This is very sweet, and the fact that you are looking out for her this much is a good indication that it would be a good idea to look into the adoption process.
Adopting her will not erase her bio mom from her life in any way. This desire for adoption is something that’s coming from your husband and Hazel, and I suspect that if Amy’s parents are as loving as you and your husband seem to be, they will have no problem with this and will still be part of Hazel’s life.
And don’t worry about your past mental health issues interfering with the adoption process. With your husband on board and your history with Hazel I think that will smooth out so much, and I think you can hold off on telling Hazel you are doing this until you’re a little further into the process.
As you said, a mother figure isn’t cleanly defined by adoption. Similarly, it in no way “erases” Amy. If Amy’s parents object to the adoption then that’s their issue. Make it clear that it will not at all impact their involvement in Hazel’s life. It’s a perfectly normal and wise thing to do in your situation.
Look up the rights and responsibilities of a natural parent. This is what you gain through adoption. For example, you will retain custody if something happens to Jack with no legal hassle. You will also have the same responsibility for her financial support as Jack.
Ultimately, adoption is seen as official acknowledgement of the bond between yourself and Hazel, and it sounds like it would mean a lot to Hazel. If you’re concerned that you will be denied, just don’t tell Hazel until after the background check clears.
Best of luck!
You arnt over stepping. Your heart doesn’t run out of love to give. Amy’s parents can still be grandparents, it’s just making sure the child has a parent if something were to happen to dad.
she’s asking you to officially be mum. She knows she had another mum.
you can sit and help make a scrap book with the grandparents and the kid and learn more about amy.
Make it a big fun family activity where the kid can ask quiestions while you help cut up reprints of photos. The grandparents won’t be around forever. I got my mum a book where she fills out all these quiestions about her childhood, hopes,dreams etc so when she’s gone il have something to look back on,
Adoption will remove her mom from her birth certificate.
Her grandparents would not be her grandparents anymore legally.
You are overthinking this: 1. Talk to the grandparents, explain what happened and why this is occuring now. 2. If you don’t have doubts about this relationship (I mean real ones, if someone told me they didn’t have any doubts about their relationship ever I’d question their mental competence or their honesty). File for adoption. It will not erase her mother or her grandparents role in her life. It will change their legal status, but in many/moist cases that’s really meant to be a last resort anyway and it is good and right for his current spouse to fill that role.
I say this the “bio kid” from a house will a couple of “failed fosterings”. What children want, what they cry themselves to sleep at night desiring is stability and normalacy at least as they judge themselves agaisnt their peers.
I’m not super familiar with the process but would you have to tell her prior to the background checks and all that? Couldn’t you submit the paperwork and if your fears are realized and it doesn’t go through, not tell Hazel about it or at least not until she’s much much older.
There are plenty of people with step/adoptive parents, it doesn’t erase their bio parents. She’ll still have a connection to her bio grandparents and they’ll still have a connection to their granddaughter. As far as legally, discuss that with your husband.
Any parents can still be there you don’t have to cut them out and she wants you to adopt her say you and jack do divorce if you don’t he can’t keep her away from you if he wants and that would hurt her but if you adopted her you still will see her if I was in your shoes I would you can still have her family in the picture
She has absolutely no recollection of Amy – if you keep insisting she shouldn’t call you mom, or refuse to adopt her, imho, you’ll be doing more harm than good, since she will feel rejected by the only mother figure she has ever known.
Maybe consider Hazel’s feelings if you don’t adopt her, now that she has asked. To me that would be devastating and impact your relationship with her long term.
All of your fears can be solved with conversations with the grandparents and with your husband and Hazel.
>I’ve had some mental health issues (which were all resolved before I started dating Jack)
I think it’s evident that they aren’t ALL resolved.
If your husband dies and you haven’t adopted her, she could end up in the exact same system you went through. Would you want that for her? Or would you want her in the safe and stable home and family she has always known? Adopting her gives her legal protections that she deserves.
I think it’s sweet how your trying to protect Hazel and a good indication that if your ready looking into adopting is a good idea. I’d start using a special term for her birth mom and making sure to use the grandparents and her dad to keep her memory alive. That way you can always encourage that too while also developing your own bond and mother figureness with her.
My oldest two are adopted and we talk about their bio parents at least bi-weekly in a casual sort of way. Like “oh your bio mom really enjoyed that too” sort of things. Our situations are completely different but the concept is the same. The grandparents I’m sure will be eager to help with this aspect and it’s a nice way to make room for her 1st mom while acknowledging your role as her mom now.
It sounds like you personally have some complicated feelings surrounding all this stuff and it might be a good idea for you to take a beat to really consider if your hesitation is about the situation with Hazel or has some of your own feelings mixed into it.
I agree that adopting her won’t erase her birth mother, especially because it sounds like you and your husband take a lot of time and effort to keep her mother’s memory alive. I think that parenting can be additive—you’re the amazing mother who is helping raise her and honoring her birth mother. I think that your past mental issues won’t prevent you from adopting her legally (although you can definitely check with a family lawyer before you tell Hazel yes), so it sounds like this is a you decision. I will say that it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with Hazel and I think that’s amazing.Â
Counterpoint: you’ve been in a mother role for 5 out of 7 years of this girl’s life. Most people lose all memory of their first 2-3 years, so you’re not replacing her bio mother – in her mind you’ve always been in the mother role. But by not allowing her to become fully attached to you, either by adoption or by letting her call you mom, you’re leaving her in limbo and depriving her of what a true mom feels like. She wants you to be her mom, and that’s what’s most important. Honestly her grandparents’ or even her dad’s feelings on that should take a back seat to her needs. She’s young, in her formative years, and needs a mom. As she grows older and hits puberty with all of the tumultuous emotions that come with that, she’ll need a living mother to guide her – not other people’s memories of a good woman who can’t help her when she needs it. Don’t deprive her to honor a ghost.
You’re already a great mama to be thinking this way and ensuring the child’s best interests are at heart. She led the conversation so you should embrace it in my opinion. It’s a pretty special thing to be asked. You should be proud of yourself
I’ve never been in this situation and therefore have no advice but I do want to say that you sound like a wonderful person. You’re so thoughtful and kind with regards to your husband, step daughter, and her maternal grandparents. They’re all very lucky to have someone who is so selfless and caring.
Coming from someone who has 0 experience with this (so take it with a grain of salt), I think it’s amazing that your step daughter loves you so much and you treat her so well that she wants you to adopt her. Adopting her will not erase her mom, and will not erase her grandparents. If adopting Hazel is something you 100% want to do, and that she and your husband 100% want to do, then I say go for it. It’s a beautiful situation honestly. Good luck to you and your sweet family
You sound like an amazing mother, and every child deserves to have a parent who gives this level of care and thought to parenting. And you’re so sensitive to her needs and those of her maternal grandparents-this is all A+ parenting.
Honestly, no matter how you phrase it, she’d likely be hurt if you say no, and it sounds like something you’d very much like to do.
And, not to be dark, but a formal adoption would also give her much needed stability if anything ever happened to her dad, god forbid. Otherwise, you’re looking at some formal court proceedings at a minimum.
I had two mum’s. My mum, she died when I was 11 and my foster mum when I was placed into care at 14. My foster mum is one of the best women who could have been in my life and a lot of who I am is because of her. I am the woman, mum and nana I am today because of the lessons I learned from her.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum, she was an amazing woman who sadly was diagnosed with cancer at 29 and dead by 31, I have so much trauma that there is a lot I don’t remember of her but my foster mum made sure I always talked about her, helped me get some photos (lost access to everything when I was placed in care) and made sure I didn’t forget her.
I will be forever grateful for my mum’s, both of them.
Adopt your daughter, you’re already her mum, her heart is big enough for you both.
Hoooo boy. Look, foster care can leave some pretty lasting harms. If you’ve had a stable relationship with her father and you’ve been able to bond with this child you are doing something right. You should feel really good about that. I adopted a daughter from foster care. It didn’t erase her bio family. It’s just a way of showing up for someone and saying you’ll always be there and you’ll always love them.
Oh, you’d make sure a kind, caring mom. Don’t let past mental issues stop you. Talk go Hazels grandparents. Get their feelings on it. Hazel will always be their grandchild. You adopting her means there is another human watching out for her. You aren’t taking her from them. Cut yourself some slack. You’re her mom. You both choose each other. Allow her to be your daughter. It’s huge that she wants this. I love this for yall.
I really think you should reconsider telling her not to call you mum. You are the only mother she knows, she doesn’t remember her bio mum. In her eyes she will start to think she has no mum right now. You adopting her doesn’t erase her bio mum, people can love more than one person at a time.
Speak to an attorney experienced in adoptions to see if there would be any barriers. I think it’s really sweet that she wants you to adopt her. I hope it happens.
This child already sees you as her mother. Not having a legal connection won’t make things easier on her if you and her dad get divorced.
>Amy’s parents are still in her life and I don’t want them to feel I’m trying to steal their granddaughter, and adopting her would legally separate her from Amy and thus from them.
This will only be an issue if you make it one, and it doesn’t sound like you will.
My kids will soon be adopted by their dad. Bio dad/ex husband is in the wind with several more baby mommas dotted around. Bio dad’s family is still HIGHLY involved. I see my ex MIL as more my mom than anything. Infact, I tell people i won her in the divorce. Her grandparents can still be involved. Families are what you make of them. I would get her a nice birth certificate with her original moms name on it though before changing everything.
I can’t imagine a world where you doing this – if you’re comfortable with it, OP – isn’t seen as a wonderful thing by everyone in yours and Hazel’s life.
The world loves stories like this.
My aunt and uncle fostered a child who’s now 20 (I think?). His mother and father separated so his mother came to our country to give birth and have her child cared for. She is still to this day involved in his life but he has always lived with my aunt and uncle and their 3 older bio kids. They were going to adopt him but it was a big administrative thing and fundamentally changed very little so he’s their child and her child and seems perfectly happy with that.
You can be a mother without replacing a mother and it sounds like you already are and are doing an amazing job
Depending on how adjusted to the situation Amy’s parents are, it might be worth having Jack go to them, explain his and Hazel’s side, and ask for their blessing on the adoption.
I think that it can safely go ahead without their blessing (they don’t exactly get a vote) but if some effort and patience gets their blessing (and gives them room to react to the idea privately) that would be valuable.
I think the mental health issues are a non-issue as far as the courts are concerned in this case; they’d be ratifying an arrangement that’s already in a good place, not choosing one person over another. Your medical history just doesn’t need to come up.
I don’t see why you wouldn’t be allowed to adopt Hazel. You’ve said you’ve resolved your mental health issues and Hazel’s biological mother is deceased. Furthermore you’re married to Hazel’s father. At least here in the US that’d pretty much be all systems go. Even if you adopt Hazel that doesn’t mean you’d have to exclude Amy’s parents from the rest of her life. They can certainly continue to be there for her. They’d still be her grandparents. My advice is to go for it and good luck.
You’re going to be a great mom.
I have four stepdaughters, two of them are adopted from foster care by my husband and his ex-wife. I have different relationships with each, which is kind of dependent on their relationship with her at the time. I started off being very clear that I knew they had a mom and wasn’t looking to be their mom, I just loved them and helped take care of them. As time has gone on, I’ve realized I need to be more proactive sometimes, because they need a mom in the moment or need me to acknowledge that we’re closer than that. I realized it might be hurtful for me to hold them at arms’ distance when I’ve been in their lives basically their whole lives. I’ve made it clear to them all at this point that I love them like my own kids and I’m their parent, and that whatever they want to call me or whether they want to hug me or say I love you or whatever is up to them and I reciprocate. It helps that it is definitely a team effort raising these kids between the 3 of us.
She knows you’re not trying to replace her mom, you’re following her lead and being honest with her about how you feel about her. She’s lucky to have a great mom to remember and a great mom like you to raise her!
Here’s an hypothetical for you:
Even if you **aren’t** planning on divorcing you husband, what would happen if you actually **did**? Would you just stop seeing Hazel? Would you stop wanting to care for her, be involved in her life?
From the answer to that question should come the decision on whether to adopt or not.
This girl knows you to be one of her primary caretaking figures, from an age where she likely can’t remember much else. I’m telling you this to say that, while I understand why you’re distancing yourself from her in terms of not allowing her to call you mommy and whatnot, at some point, the result of that will be more than a bit painful (rejecting) for her, which I’m sure you don’t intend, but it’s the kind of ironic way in which our minds tend to eff us up and make us hurt people in similar ways to which we’ve been hurt.
Adopting her won’t erase her mother. Letting you call her mommy if she desires won’t erase her mother. Nobody is saying you or anyone else should pretend that she didn’t have a mother before who died tragically.
If you’re not actively in therapy (I’m sure you’ve been at some point in the past), I think this whole process (including becoming unwiillingly becoming a mother) certainly merits being on it.
Thrilled to read your edit. You’re about to make a little girl’s dreams come true.
Please stop telling her she has a different mom when she calls you mom. You aren’t asking her to. She wants to bc you _are_ her mom. She can have two moms.
I know you think you’re protecting her and her mom, but you’re rejecting her every time you correct her.
I wish all of you the best. Hazel is lucky to have someone as considerate as you in her life.
This journey needs to start with you being in individual therapy. Adopting a child is both amazing and scary, no matter what your background, and while me telling you that you sound like you’d be an awesome adoptive mom is all fine and good, YOU need to come to that conclusion yourself. In your own way and in your own time. And that means grappling with some of your past first. So make an appointment.
Once you’re ready, and you’ll know when that is (it won’t feel like 100% certainty, that’s basically never going to happen, but it *will* feel right), then you set up some family therapy sessions. It’ll be you and Jack at first, hammering out how you’ll both feel making you officially “mom.” Don’t ignore how that will make him feel or how it’ll change you’d marriage, btw. And then it will involve Hazel. You’ve effectively been her mom for as long as she’s really known, so bringing her in is as much about reassuring *you* that this IS what she wants, as it is about checking-in with her on it.
Then you’ll do the adoption. But it’s okay if this process takes a couple years. Any inside pressure you feel to make this happen by some sooner, arbitrary date? Let it go. This kind of bond, a mother and her child, is timeless. Really. It defies even death. So don’t set arbitrary timelines and deadlines. Take the steps slowly, deliberately, and take time to love yourself through the fear and worry.
And FWIW, you more than most are in a unique position to understand more completely that a) you can never take the place of her bio mom, and b) that’s ok, because you can love each other fiercely anyway AND respect her bio-mom’s memory all at the same time. It doesn’t have to be an “either/or,” it can absolutely be an “and.”
And all those broken pieces of you that you’re worried will cut her? They won’t. Every mother comes at motherhood in her own way. Yours will have the perspective of someone who knows what it’s like not to be chosen AND what it is to be chosen. You will know what it means to have someone like an Ester in your life, who despite not being perfect (because no one is) tried very hard for you, and you felt the love of her trying. You will know what it means to have felt love like that, and will know (even if you doubt it) how to show that kind of love, too.
So make the appointment with the therapist. Tell your husband you have a plan, and the title of that plan is “love and patience.” And then go do this.
Adoption isn’t broken through divorce, it will insure you always have a connection to her, as well as a safeguard should something happen to her father.
If you’re worried you won’t be accepted, just don’t tell her anything until it’s official. She’s given her permission. She wants this. So do you. So does her father.
Go for it!
You could also choose a day to put aside to do things to celebrate her birth mom too. Like visiting her favorite places and doing things she may have liked to do (like skating or walks in a park)