I have a fearful avoidant attachment style, due to a lot of childhood trauma and never really receiving love on a consistent basis. I have also been in regular therapy for 4 years now, with the lash 1.5 years being focused on improving my interpersonal relationships. I have been single for about 2 years now. I ended my last relationship due to a plethora of reasons, mostly related to a lack of compatibility. I’ve gone one several casual dates in the last two years, but mostly just did it for fun and to not isolate myself.
I then took a significant break from OLD and paused my account/deleted the app off my phone between October and March of 2024 (currently). I reactivated my app to see that the guy I was most interested in had been trying to message me since October. So I started talking to him again and have for the last week. I had a really busy week at work and had absolutely no time to meet up with him, but we did talk every day, through a 3-hour phone call and daily texts that were very deep and certainly not surface level conversations. The fact that we went in that deeply into what each one of us is looking for has me extremely interested in him, and I really want to hang out with him. We had talked about hanging out this weekend, but I basically shut down emotionally after Friday. Part of that was because of feeling really exhausted from work. I do this often and just need to recharge emotionally after a hard week. But part of me is also worried that I’m detaching emotionally *because* I’m really into him. It’s almost like, the less ambivalent I feel about someone, the more likely I am to run in the opposite direction. He tried talking to me yesterday and said he hopes my work commitment went well, and that I have relaxing weekend. He didn’t ask any questions within the text, and he didn’t try to set plans. Ultimately, the ball is currently in my court, as he has asked me twice within the last week when he can see me.
I am very worried that I am shutting down emotionally and blaming the work exhaustion unfairly. I have been in weekly therapy for a very long time, so I don’t think that the solution is more therapy and avoiding dating. At a certain point, I just need to take a risk, and I’m really struggling. I went on a couple of dates last November/December, which were fine but I wasn’t interested in the guys. Again, I feel like the more interested I am, the less likely I am to make an effort and take a risk.
I am feeling really bummed. I feel like I’m destined to be alone because of this avoidant attachment style. I don’t understand how much longer I need to stay alone and in therapy for things to change. I’ve been very open with him about all of this (in advance of shutting down), so I suspect he knows what’s going on.
I guess I’m only posting this here because I see a lot of assumptions about avoidants on this sub making us seem like we are cold. Even if we are into someone, we often choose to walk away because it’s too much to bear emotionally. I am here to apologize on behalf of all of us avoidants. We don’t mean to hurt anyone, and I think it’s safe to say I will regret this if I don’t make a move.