Long post ahead.
I (35F) have had difficulties establishing enduring relationships all my life. As a child, I was very shy, quiet and introverted. I have vivid memories from my first year in kindergarten where I watched the other kids play while I sat on the benches near the teachers. I remember feeling very afraid, wanting to play but not knowing how to proceed. I felt what I now know to be envy, watching how easily the other children were loud, connecting with each other and playing together. It was only the rare days where one of the children would invite me and literally take me under their wing would I play. This has followed me througout my life.
Through my schooling years upto my master’s, I have been lucky to have one best/close friend in the class. We’d do everything together and usually just the two of us. They would also tend to me introverted. However, I note that others would still engage them more, inviting them to join their group or hang out. Not me. We would still remain close though and I never experienced any ‘abandonment’ by them.
However, as an adult is where it has been really difficult to make any meaningful connections. Whereas I know that it is difficult to establish friendships the older you grow and when out of an environment like school, in my case it is even more so hard.
Over the years, especially upon joining the workplace, I have learnt that I need to make more effort than others to be seen and connect. I am still shy but have made progress. I talk to everyone and help where I can. However, in my over 10 years working, I can count the number of times a colleage has asked me for lunch or activities outside the office. Even new colleagues join and are being engaged socially within one week. In my current workplace, we will be talking all morning but when lunch rolls around, they ask each other ‘want to grab lunch’. Not one person has ever asked me. I have tried to ask others but they either politely decline or cancel/poatpone last minute. Once, I invited a new colleague for lunch. I endee up eating alone because she later told me she was called by another colleague to join them when she was heading to the table. I had not seen this since it is a big university cafeteria.
I have about 5 friends though I don’t feel super close to all but 1 who lives in another continent. One aspect is that even these close friends from school/university don’t make the effort to remain in touch. I put in the effort to maintain contact. However, I hear once in a while that they got together but I was not invited.
Throughout my life though, I have friends, acquaintances, colleages and bosses coming to me to share their complaints, grievances and issues. They say they can confide in me because I they feel they can trust me and I will understand them and they feel better. After that, when they are through the storm, they don’t engage me much again.
Relationship-wise, I never really got approached much by men. Men who have been interested in me revealed their feelings a long time after us being what I thought was just friends.
This led me into my first relationship (and first everything including being kissed) and marriage that turned out to be to a narcissist (as established through therapy). I will post on this separately, but the experience has further added onto my belief of being unwanted.
Overall, comments I have gotten throughout the years have been that I am: nice, quiet, caring and loyal, but also boring, that I look like I have an attitude/don’t want to talk to anyone, serious, sad, timid, proud, pushover.
However, what I don’t understand is why despite my ongoing efforts to reach out, show interest, support, keep in touch, help out and engage, I still remain ignored and an outcast. I feel I am somehow cursed.
Any guidance on what issue I have (since I am the common denominator) and what I can do will be much appreciated.
TLDR: I have a life-long challenge in establishing meaningful friendships/relationships and lived a life of deep loneliness as a result. Despite ongoing efforts over the years, no progress has been made. Consistently came up as INFJ and Melancholic-Phlegmatic (and an S in DISC profile) in personality tests throughout my adult life. How can I improve my quality of life?