Hi everyone, last month my (35M) partner’s father died. He was sick for a long time and due to us living abroad he was mainly cared for by his sisters, brothers, nephews and nieces (partner is only child).
We have two kids together, are engaged planning a civil wedding within this year (no set date yet).
Partner’s family is from a very small village in the countryside of Europe, in a very catholic country. They always treated me ok, but they make a clear distinction between being married or not.
Anyway, during the funeral undertakings I was able to stand beside partner for support, but I felt like the family who cared for him during his last days was a bit upset because the main person receiving the condolences was my partner (and me -35F- by extension). I felt bad because we didnt directly care for his dad in his last days and yet we were receiving the main condolences. Anyways, I guess it’s just the way things are done here. I could tell his aunts and cousins were NOT happy about this situation and I understand that, so I even told him I could stay home because this was a family matter. He said no way, that he wanted me there.
Fair enough, the mass comes, over 200 people, me sitting next to partner, the priest does us the favor of mentioning my MIL, my partner, OUR TWO CHILDREN, and the rest of the family. No mention of me. He did it twice during the service. My partner and his mom were ripping with anger. I also did a reading in the mass because his cousins asked me to, and my reading contained wording that was as if I was someone from outside of the family “Lord bless X’s family and relatives…”, whereas the readings from the cousins were all very personal, with mentioning of deceased family members.
Now, I don’t know if I am being unreasonable here, but I am almost certain this was set up by the cousins and aunts. Because, the priest never had a problem with me, in fact he baptized my two kids. Also, he certainly received a list from whoever in the family organized the mass, as he wouldn’t know everyone’s names to be mentioned. Another reason is because later in the cemetery he did mention my name – clearly other people were upset about me being excluded and spoke to him. I feel like this was all planned to exclude me, but I can’t prove. Upon ending the mass, I was asked by one of the cousins if we were ever getting married. None of the cousins or aunts ever spoke to me again.
Now this all looks bad for the priest. Partner and his mum think he is an idiot. I am 99% sure that this was set up, but can’t speak to them about this or I will be the one creating the problems within the family.
Now I don’t ever want to set foot in partner’s homeland ever again. I feel humiliated, defeated and like an outsider. I am actually reconsidering if ai should marry this toxic dynamic ever again.
Should I reconsider this marriage? Am I being unreasonable thinking this was set up? Should I speak to partner what I really think happened?
tldr: priest mentioned my two kids during their grandfather’s funeral and didn’t mention me (their mom). I think this was a set up from partner’s cousins because we are not married.