When I was a kid, I never got into masturbating for some reason. It just never occurred to me, and I found the idea of rubbing my genitals kind of weird. When other people talked about it, I couldn’t really relate. I got erections, but I just left them to go away on their own. Because I found the idea of masturbating myself kind of repulsive and uncomfortable, there was just never any reason for me to get into it, and I didn’t. I still don’t masturbate now. As a result, I’ve never had an orgasm. I’ve had wet dreams, but I’ve got such a mental block around masturbation that I’ve just never had an orgasm, not even once.
My current relationship is my second one where I’ve been sexually active. At first, I was scared I’d have too much of a mental block to keep it up during sex, but we got over that within a few hours of starting to try; I was able to give her an orgasm, and I was relieved that that wouldn’t be a problem for me, at least for the time being. Since then, we’ve both really enjoyed sex and she’s regularly had orgasms. I thought it would be fine, because I don’t really get sexually frustrated and I just enjoy the process, and figured it would be fine as long as I was still able to get her there. But more recently, it’s started to really bother her that I don’t orgasm.
She’s very up-front about the fact that it’s her problem and that I shouldn’t feel bad, I can’t help it. I think she views it as a selfish thing for her, because she just likes the idea of getting me off. She kind of beats herself up about having those feelings, but I reassure her that it’s understandable that she needs that kind of feedback, and it’s totally normal to feel bad about not being able to give a partner an orgasm. Recently it’s made her actually cry. I really want to get into actually trying to have an orgasm, but I could use some advice.
We’ve worked out a few things; I get closer (or at least feel closer) when we’re alone in a flat so we can make more sound, when she teases me so I have that anticipation beforehand, and when there’s nothing painful (e.g. skin pinching) going on. It also seems to work better when I’m slightly sleepy. I just want to make sex fulfilling for both of us, and it’s obvious that for her that means I need to have orgasms.
Thanks in advance to anyone who helps, and sorry for the TMI prompt!
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**tl;dr**: I have a mental block against orgasming, and it’s bothering my partner. I’d like some advice from other people who have experienced similar things.
5 comments
Have you been to a doctor about this? A therapist?
Can you afford to see a sex therapist?
I think the most important question is: are *you* satisfied with your current sex life? Would you be perfectly happy never having an orgasm ever? Or are you curious about exploring this and trying a few things to find out if it might be possible for you one day?
Because there is a path for you to start working on getting there, if you want to, and that’s seeing a therapist. Therapy isn’t a magic bullet to orgasm but if your problem is a mental block and not a physical inability, then therapy is your first step to dislodging that block.
If you’re not willing to go there or you might be one day but you’re not ready yet, I think you and your girlfriend just aren’t sexually compatible. Her ego depends on you doing something you’re not currently able or willing to do, so until/unless you start seriously working on it, I don’t think she’s the right partner for you. It’s okay if you don’t want to dig into this right now or if you never do, but your girlfriend isn’t the right companion for you in the meantime i think.
Well above reddits pay grade. You need to speak to a doctor or a
therapist. Possibly both.
Bare minimum you should at least try masturbating.
This may sound a little odd, but I actually think it might help you to masturbate a little. It will help you learn what you enjoy, what kind of stimulation seems to be best for you, and so on. Masturbation tends to serve as most people’s introduction to sexuality and what their body likes.
Beyond that, understand that the easiest way to mentally psyche yourself *out* of reaching orgasm is to be worried about it. Anxiety is the biggest pleasure killer. The very best advice I can give you is to try and not stress about this too much. I appreciate you want to soothe your partner, and that’s commendable, but try not to let this bother you too much.