TLDR: My best friend off 2 years seems to think we’re in a relationship and decided to publicly propose to me. I have no idea what to do.
Frankly I’m still in shock that this happened so this might be all over the place. Bear with me. All fake names etc etc.
Jordan and I met in University two years ago. We both started at the same time and because of our ages we were both considered ‘mature’ students. So we quickly became firm friends as we shared a dorm and we’d joke around together about us being old enough to be considered ‘mature’ in our early 20’s. We weren’t on the same course, but given we lived together, we would hang out pretty much all the time whenever we didn’t have a lecture. We joined a bunch of societies together, went drinking every weekend together, etc etc. It was a pretty sweet gig because it meant we were at least never alone. Obviously we made other friends, both alone and together, but we were always each other’s #1 at the end of the day.
At the moment we’re on spring holidays for Easter. And while we haven’t hung out constantly, we decided to make plans to visit each other’s hometowns, because we’re from very starkly different places.
Today, we went to mine. Mine is a big city central.
This morning we went there and were wandering down the streets, doing some sightseeing, because he’s never been.
There’s typically a lot of street sellers here, trying to sell you everything from hotdogs to fluffy pokemon hats. I decided I wanted to get a caricature done. I’ve never had one and I thought it would be funny to get and hang over my bed when we got back for term. I asked Jordan if he wanted to get in and he refused. No worries, so I sat down to get it done.
They don’t take very long, 5/10 ish minutes, so I stayed looked straight forward at the artist the entire time. He finished the caricature, I loved it. So obviously I turn to show it properly to Jordan.
When I turn though I literally don’t even know what to say. He’s down on one knee holding up a ring box. I don’t even really know what he said, if he did the whole like proposal speech thing because I was so confused, I was barely paying attention.
Remember again, this is a super busy tourist city, so this has drawn a mini crowd now, coming over to cheer us on.
I couldn’t help but burst into laughter. To be honest, I thought this was some kind of odd prank type thing. We never HAVE been ‘prankster’ types or whatever but I couldn’t come up with a reasonable explanation. So I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Until I looked at Jordan and he looked genuinely heartbroken.
So obviously I asked him something along the lines of ‘You’re not being serious?’.
This is the only thing I remember him saying. He shut the box, stood up, shrugged and said ‘I guess not anymore’. And walked off.
This left me standing pretty awkwardly in this gathered crowd of people, a lot of who were giving me dirty looks, which made me incredibly uncomfortable.
The plan was to meet back up a hotel that we had booked rooms next door to one another. So I figure that’s where he’s going and head back that way. But he’s not there. So I wait and I wait, and he still doesn’t return.
I text him out of concern, this was at 1:15pm (it’s currently 6:20pm as I’m writing this) just asking if he’s okay.
He responds with a LONG message back (which I would post, because it’s an odd read, but I won’t out of respect for his privacy), in which he basically accuses me of leading him on, asking why I didn’t ’break up with him sooner’, saying I had ‘publicly humiliated’ him and that he ‘thought I loved him the same way’ and that he felt our ‘relationship was strong enough to consider taking the next step’.
Now this is completely out of left field. I literally have got no idea where in the world he’s got this idea from. The closest we’ve ever physically been is a hug hello and goodbye. I’ve never even jokingly flirted with him (for exactly this reason, I’ve had too many friendships collapse because they can’t tell the difference between serious interesting and joking banter in friendships, so I’ve been extra careful to not). We’ve never kissed, never been on a date, never had sex. I do not find him physically attractive and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him.
I don’t understand where on Earth he’s got this idea that we are. This isn’t something he’s ever bought up before this and I’m genuinely bewildered.
He hasn’t returned to the hotel yet, I periodically knock to check, and I’ve been listening out for him walking up the hallway or anything. Nothing. I haven’t responded to his long paragraph because honestly? I don’t know how to.
I’m just so stunned and taken aback that I genuinely have no idea where to go from here or what to do.
I haven’t told anyone I know in person yet, mostly because I don’t want to bring this up to people who know Jordan. So here I am turning to strangers on reddit instead.
What in the world do I do 😭
47 comments
That is just straight up delusional behavior. He built up an entire relationship with you in his head and decided it warranted *proposing to you in public.* Nevermind the fact that even for devoted couples, marriage should be discussed and agreed upon before anyone proposes to anyone. You need to tell him you’re just friends, you’ve always been just friends and you can’t and don’t see your relationship any other way. Frankly, I’d do it in a text just in case he handles it poorly and decides to do something unpredictable from having his grandiose delusions shattered all at once.
The guy is clearly delulu. Sorry, the friendship is over. From here, he’s going to either completely disappear from your life, or he’s going to make up lies about everything to save face. I hope for your sake it’s the former
You gotta walk away this is nuts. I wouldn’t even give him a chance to stay a friend.
Ummm. You are roommates. It’s news to you that he even had romantic feelings for you, let alone thinks you’re in a relationship. Honestly, what he did was super shitty. This is a him problem. I’d leave him be and wait for him to contact you…if you even want that. Just know this friendship is over.
Is this a cultural thing that he might misunderstood it. I know it’s a far fetch….
Has he ever been in a relationship before, like actually had a girlfriend? …Is he like the type of fundamentalist Christian who believes in no kissing before marriage or something?
I don’t know, my instinct would be to ask him to talk with you, and have it out pointing out all the ways in which you’re not actually dating (never asked each other out on a date specifically, no physical intimacy). Like, when does he remember this “relationship” being official?
But then again, he’s possibly off his rocker a bit if he’s created this delusion in his head.
I think you’re going to have to walk away from this friendship. Can you reach out to any mutual friends and ask them their take on this? (If you trust them not to gossip.)
Have you ever had sex with him or partake in romantic / flirty / sexual activities of any kind? I’m just trying to figure out why he’s so delusional
Sounds like he was fantasizing on one hand and with the best friend and living together he had confirmation bias that you had also felt the same way. Maybe in time you guys will have a friendly relationship again but right now just need reality to get through to him
what the hell.. this is insanity, i’m so curious what is going on inside his head??? I hope you can have some sort of conversation with him to maybe get some clarity, but damn..
The fact that you guys never dated and he accused you of leading him on tells me he was just biding his time. I’m sorry. Please be safe.
There’s no saving this.
But please do tell other people in your friend group, otherwise he will lie to them and try to ruin your reputation.
Well… this interesting. He’s delusional. There’s no way a sane person could assume you were together. Try to be safe, as he might be unpredictable once you talk with him. Start making arrangements to change roommates. This sucks big time, I’m so sorry.
Boom – major distance starting now. No more living together, no more hanging out one on one, no trips together even in separate rooms. Don’t text him, but leave him unblocked unless he gets too unhinged so that he might let on what his whereabouts are. Tell your friends about this. A guy that will try to impose his romantic fantasy on you definitely is a risk for a revenge fantasy, too. You need to be safe. I know you’re probably thinking, “but I know him, he wouldn’t do that.” The fact is, you’d probably have said the same a week ago if somebody had said, “what if Jordan proposes to you on this trip?” You don’t know the inner workings of his mind.
It’s wild that he went from you guys being roommates to that meaning you are in a serious enough relationship that he proposes! You sleep in different beds, you have zero affection. How could he possibly think this would have been a good idea?! I hope he comes back so you guys can talk this through. I’m interested in hearing his train of thought.
He isn’t well. You did nothing wrong, and he turned it into something it wasn’t. This is like stalker behavior. I’m worried about your safety. Don’t talk to him alone, always have someone with you. Cut your trip short and go home.
OP this is so left field, respectfully, surely it’s some type of mental breakdown?
Could it be he’s going through a manic or delusional episode? That could explain it. In that case he needs help asap. Do you know his parents?
I want to reiterate not to discuss this with him in a private place like your hotel room. Go somewhere public. He’s delusional. That can be unsafe for you. You never saw this coming and I would hate for anything else to happen that you didn’t see coming. Please keep yourself safe until you figure out wtf is going through his head. This is really wild and I hope you give us an update when you figure it out!
what happened when you met his girlfriends?
what happened when he met your boyfriends?
this has been going on for 2 years. long enough to know better but short enough to move on and learn from it.
Like not ironically or joking or anything—he should see a doctor. That’s actually really concerning.
Is he from a patriarchal culture? Have you had any relationships or flings while you guys were roommates? And what was his reaction to that if so?
So You’ve never kissed or had anything more intimate than a kiss and he thinks you’re in a relationship? Honestly that’s concerning and it’s not your fault for not being a mind reader
Do not meet him up at the hotel room! Maybe he’s just confused, maybe he wouldn’t do anything, but I wouldn’t risk it regarding how delusional he’s being. Just leave and propose to meet in public at another date, because this is not someone right in the mind.
You need to tell someone you trust because that kind of delulu behavior can lead to something pretty bad.
I don’t know what the wall of text he sent you said, but I do think that you should use this as an opportunity to state your position in writing before he gets more of a chance to derail his perception of reality. He seems to think that he’s in the right to feel embarrassed and that this isn’t something that he brought onto himself.
I think that you should definitely answer his text with boundaries and, honestly, a bit pissed off. You can totally be worried about someone you care for while also being stern about what just happened and how much he jumped to conclusions despite ALL the evidence against it.
Well the only possible answer now is to get married.
This seems really weird. Were you FWBs? In the 2 years that you were friends, did you ever date other people or talk about people you were attracted to?
Trying to understand why he had assumed you were in a relationship.
He’s clearly delusional. I would text him back a long message explaining that you’re just friends, and you have no idea how he got the idea that it was something else. Basically, explain it the way you did here- no physical intimacy, no dating, nothing.
I know it’s shitty to do over text but he sounds unstable. I can’t imagine him taking this well.
I would hate to see what would’ve happened if you had ever gotten a real bf…
This is honestly very scary, please be safe
Unfortunately some people are lonely and can’t read social cues. As soon as someone gives them attention they create a fantasy in their head and it can sometimes result in delusional behavior like this.
Unless you’re leaving out details, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Plot Twist: you’re the delusional one and you’re mentally blocking out all the memories of being intimate and in a relationship with this guy for two years and Jordan is totally hurt and confused (basically Jordan’s perspective).
Don’t feel bad for hurting his feelings.
He didn’t even consider yours when he decided to publicly propose in your hometown knowing this could unfairly pressure you to saying yes…and then what??
He made you feel uncomfortable and now he just ran off leaving you worried.
This is manipulative behavior and might not be the friend you thought he was. He doesn’t seem like he’s in his right mind and hasn’t even had one conversation with you about anything.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You obviously really value his friendship and regardless of what happens next, you will be grieving the loss of your best friend.
The craziest thing for me is this: did neither of you date or sleep with anybody else the whole time you’ve been friends? Have you ever suggested to him that he should go talk to the cute girl in the library or told him you thought that the guy at the bar was hot? To be clear, I 1000% believe that you did not lead him on and I agree with everyone else that he is delusional but how did the subject of dating (other people) NEVER come up? How did you introduce each other when meeting new people? You must’ve said “this is my friend Jordan” at some point. This man needs serious mental health help ASAP.
Please stay with your parents, you are not safe atm
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I second every person who has told you not to meet in any private place like your hotel room.
I would come up with some things to mention to him about how YOU see a romantic relationship (i.e. being asked if you want a relationship, basic physical touch, more intimate physical touch) so that he can see your criteria for a relationship and his are not matching up.
I would even mention that marriage isn’t something you take lightly and that you have quite a lot of milestones you would need to reach with someone before a big decision like that. Make it clear you have not had those milestones met by anyone hence the confusion. And if he’s such a good friend of yours then you thought he would talk to you about it before jumping in.
I’m not saying you should do any of this so that he will think he has a chance but more so it can be a “misunderstanding” to protect you until you and he are FAR away from one another. You being alone with him is THE WORST thing for you so any way to speak to him gently when he’s being delusional and get out of this situation without him getting aggressive is the way I’d go.
This is crazy. Please post an update. I hope you remain safe and he gets some help
This is a wild story! I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. As others have said, speak to him about this over text or in public. There is at least some level of delusion going on here. Stay safe and keep us updated!
What on Earth? Are you or he super religious where you don’t believe in even kissing before marriage? I honestly don’t know how someone could think they’re in a relationship with someone who they’ve never kissed or even held hands with. I know people are jumping to him having some kind of mental break, or brain injury or something. He had a ring so this obviously wasn’t spur of the moment, which honestly makes it scarier. He fully went out and bought a ring and waited for what he thought was the right moment to propose. Yikes. Be safe OP.
Please make sure that someone else, like a trusted friend or family member, knows what’s going on and where you are. It’s just better to be safe than sorry.
Please also update us on what happens!
I would only meet with him in a public place. I would be concerned he is developing schizophrenia or some other mental illness, he’s the right age for it .
You need to tell someone you know and trust, just to be safe. Don’t let a bunch of strangers on Reddit be the only people who are aware of the situation. But also update us so we don’t worry, ok?
Oh nooooo.
Okay, so right now you’re in your hometown, right?
Step one: If you possibly can, *go home*. Check out of the hotel and call your parents/your high school best friend/your sibling or cousin/whoever still lives here that you trust. You need to not be alone right now, both for your own safety and because in a situation this weird it’s going to help a lot to have a trusted friend to provide a reality check that no, you are not nuts.
Step two: Call *his* trusted point of contact, if you know who it’d be and you have any type of contact info. His family, or whoever you were planning to meet up with in his hometown, or any of his other friends, or something. Such a wild sudden change could easily be a medical concern; you need to know whether he’s been *telling people you’re his girlfriend*. If he has, you probably want to tell them that in fact you’re not and were not at any point, but more importantly if he hasn’t and this is new, his family needs to get him to a doctor pronto.
Step three: Try to do something distracting/soothing. Make hot chocolate and rewatch your favorite comfort movie. Do some puzzles. This is a big shock and it is okay to spend some time just recovering from being in shock.
Do you know how many/how strong his friendships are outside of you?
I think both the “psychotic break” and the “sheltered/genuinely thought this was a relationship” options are both on the table. What would lean me more to the latter is if he doesn’t have a single friendship that comes close to the level of emotional intimacy that the pair of you have had.
To quote the great Dr. NerdLove:
“Part of the reason for this is entirely social; men, specifically are socialized to equate emotional intimacy with romantic and sexual intimacy. From toddlerhood to puberty, boys tend to be gloriously open-hearted; we love and adore our friends and think nothing of it. But almost from the moment we hit puberty, we’re bombarded with lessons that teach us that the sort of open-hearted, freely expressive sort of affection we have for our friends – especially our male friends – is bad and wrong and signs of weakness or “being girly”… or worse…So when straight cis men become close friends with women… it feels entirely different than a lot of male friendships. It’s frequently more expressive, more emotionally intimate in ways that we have been taught to associate almost exclusively with romantic love… or at least with the possibility of sex, in any case.”
If he is your only source of emotional intimacy, he’s been too bought in to this socialization, and he’s generally kind of sheltered (which coming from Northern England he absolutely could be), then it’s totally possible he mistook “a healthy and emotionally fulfilling close friendship” as “romantic interest” straight up.
I’m sorry OP but I think you need to end this friendship. I guess you could try to salvage it but this guy seems really strange. I’ve had guy friends declare their love for me when we weren’t dating, so I know they can get feelings, but those guys knew we weren’t dating and I guess were shooting their shot. I guarantee your friend thought you’d been on numerous dates as I had guy friends refer to us hanging out literally going to McDonald’s as dates so in his head he thought these were undeclared dates.
It sucks if you lose a close friend but idk that behavior is just so strange and delusional to me. It does not seem like someone well would act that way. I really think I’d just distance myself from him.
> he felt our ‘relationship was strong enough to consider taking the next step’
Pretty sure the “next step” would be a kiss, not a fucking engagement ring
Wow, I consider most of what I read on this sub to be fake and even if this is too, I’m hooked. Can’t wait for the follow up
Call your flat makes and see if he made his way back to them. Also talk to any of them that don’t have gossip tendencies and see if one or two of them could come to the city to hang out until you go back. You definitely should not be alone with this man.