I post this as a girl here.
Not sure where to start but I think, essentially, my question is, how can I ( if I can) find a guy who I will feel comfortable and safe around after my history of CSA ( over a span of probably 7-8 years; by multiple people). How do guys see this ? I know it’s a big baggage but I would love to know if anyone has any input/ advice or experience.
I am actively doing the inner work – lot more to do, I guess, but I am completely numb to any sort of romantic feelings or and not able to feel safe around any guy. To even imagine it seems to unnatural and off putting. And I also don’t have any guy friends platonically either.
I see couples online and my instinct is “Ughh, how can you be that physically close to a guy” – like of course, it isn’t about them or the guy, it’s just me feeling like even watching someone get cozy and comfy with a guy seems to set the alarms off on my skin, all over my body.
I have never met a guy who I can feel safe with, even as a friend. I only see predatory ( but more of , I FEEL I get predatory/ sexually pushy vibes) in guys around me.
I have had dates that have felt that guy was only interested in one thing and then all the smallest things he did thereafter felt like a threat, like jokingly grabbing my phone and not giving it back when I was trying to find directions to go back home.
I also have had close to SA kinda experiences with dates and situationships and it is soooo deeply ingrained in me that men around me only see me as “good for sex and nothing else”. Frankly,it’s not out of nowhere coz past experiences have made me believe this. ( even platonic relationships)
I know I need a lot of inner work, and I am actively working on it, but i am all alone on this journey. I would also love to be in a relationship ( never been in one), have someone that doesn’t trigger my alarms. lol.