Just so you know, English is not my first language, so sorry if I may get some grammer or sentence structuring wrong. And this is going to be a long post. TL/DR at the bottom.
So this all started a couple of weeks ago. Me and my Fiance (22m) (I know, age gap) recently got engaged. While we were still dating, I went to the gynie cause something is wrong, turns out alot is wrong but it will not be impossible for us to have children, we both want kids.
So once we announce the engagement, my mother was over the moon, me and T (fiance) was thinking of having a fast marriage so I can start on my treatment and get the Operation that I need so we can move forward, our original date was end of 2024 or beginning of 2025, now I’m guillable, I know that. Especially when it comes to family, I take their words blindly and belive.
My mother came to me and said why don’t we get married in the beginning of March, so we can get on a medical aid and start to do the things we want to do sooner, I’m like okay let me talk to T. He was on board with that, we would’ve had the pastor marry us with only 2 witnesses.
Then she came and said maby we should move it so we can have something a bit bigger but still small, she wants to give me the day I deserve, me and T talked and okayed it.
Then she came again and said we should move it and have something better. I deserve better she said. Me and T were getting frustrated, cause this is the 3rd date. The 3rd time we were moving our annual leave, our bosses are getting a bit frustrated.
My aunt was getting married in the meantime, so me and T have decided on a date, my mother was not happy, she wanted to have it the next week that we decided on. So at my aunt’s wedding she told alot of people we were marrying on her date she chose.
Me and T had another discussion. We were fed up, but gave in.
A couple weeks after my mother came again and asked us to move the date, cause she wants to save and have money for our wedding, so she can pay. We told her plenty of times that we do not expect her and my step father to pay for everything, me and T got fed up and we didn’t move the date again, we were going to pay for everything our selves.
But here comes mommy dearest again and made me feel like a villian because we didn’t want to move the wedding again. T’s work is stressful and he can’t keep moving his leave over and over, it influences everyone’s leave there.
I began to feel bad because my mother ‘just wants what is best for me’ so me and T had another discussion.. this was the final move. And we were laying some ground rules, we get a say in what is final, it is after all, our day. She was again over the moon.
So we started planning, more my mother cause she wanted to do it, now. T and his family aren’t close, but my mother wanted him to invite them, to keep the peace, so we did.. when we sent her our guest list, she flipped, our list was 61 people.. now T’s family is quite huge. So he invited his parents, siblings, aunt’s, cousins and grandparents. His best friend and their parents that are more parents to him than his actual parents. And some of his colleagues/friends. Now I did the same.
My mother started saying it’s too much, yada yada. No children and everything, we wanted children at our wedding. Since only 3 of them are under 4 the rest are teenagers, and one baby.
She vetoed all children, Including his siblings… But mine, that were grown ups was welcome.. at the end it felt like, she didn’t want his family there. She doesn’t like what we want, she was wants to do something “different” we wanted our colors to be emerald, black and gold or emerald, white and gold.
So we searched for some cake ideas and she just said nope we will have to chose something different.. she already decided on a venue, that can only hold 40 people, the way she phrases these things irked me, cause.. our wedding, we decided, not her.
After that discussion I told T everything, we tell eachother everything, communication is key, so we are open about everything to eachother.. T was pissed. He told my mother and stepfather we were having a family meeting. So yesterday my mother cornered me and was demanding to know why T wanted a family meeting. Me that’s guillable and always trying to please everyone, told her, but also told her I may say something wrong and it isn’t what T meant.
She told me I should stop going to him for everything, I “must be careful that he doesn’t make all my decisions for me” I asked her to elaborate, she said it’s cause I keep asking his input in what he would like for our day. I told her that it’s me and his day of course I’m gonna ask him. She then told me, he doesn’t get a say, he’s just another decoration for the day, that upset me greatly.
She then send a message to T saying he must go over after work so that they can talk, and to please not bring me.
After my work, I decided to call my older brother, now we aren’t that close, but I needed some outside advice. Turns out.. he was fighting with her about our marriage, he was the one pointing out we don’t need a medical aid to get married. He was fighting for us cause he knows what my mother can do. We ended up talking for quite a while, and he made me see what my mother was doing. He even told me that the stuff I told her in confidence, she told him and who knows who else. I’m heart broken. He told me that she always wants to be center of attention.
He gave me a few examples of his wedding, what she did.. and it wasn’t nice. She even told him she has a sickness.. I can’t recall the name, but I do know she has Parkinson’s and BPD and depression..
When T got home, he told me, my mother send him a message, he didn’t read it or reply, so I told him everything.. he is livid. He wants nothing to do with them anymore, and come tomorrow.. he is going to tell them that.. I’m just scared, cause I’m losing the one person I thought was always there for me.( I am a mama’s girl)
What do I do moving forward? I have no idea what I’m going to say to her. I have no idea what I’m going to do about our wedding.. we live paycheck to paycheck, so saving money is an issue, their help was needed, but now we don’t want her holding anything over our heads, we are going to go low contact.
Any advice or help will be appreciated,
TL/DR : my mother is a controlling attention seeker, and I didn’t notice, untill me and my Fiance wanted to get married.