I worry so much about what people think of me. I always have. I’ve never put my true authentic self out there for anyone except my husband because I worry about what people will think of me.
I am flawed. I communicate horribly, i am not intelligent, I am stubborn and I am not amazing at socializing but I am assertive somehow.
I am not all just flaws though. I have pretty good qualities too. I am empathetic, non judgemental of others and good at giving advice.
However, my biggest flaw is my low self esteem. I’ve been seeing a therapist consistently for the last year to help with this and it’s helpful but when I get into a negative mindset, I really spiral and it’s hard to get out.
I compare myself to a variety of different people. Always people I know personally though. Never some random people.
Some examples:
A girl I went to school with started her own clay earring business and has managed to be successful enough to quit her corperate job and stay home and do this business. I will see her social media account and tell myself I am worthless because I get jobs and quit them after a week or 2 to stay at a job as a housekeeper that I’ve been at for 2 decades even though they want to fire me so bad. I am of no value to anyone on a professional level and it’s because of my poor choices.
Another example:
My sister- in law has been unable to have kids even though she really wanted them. She was able to turn that sad energy she feels from that and put it towards focusing on her job. Shes got a pretty sweet career at a gym where people love her. She went to have some very serious abdominal surgery and lost 25lb and looks fantastic. During her healing she had so many people in her corner supporting her and helping her. She seems to loved and valued. I’m jealous of her even though I don’t really want her life. It doesn’t make sense. I’ll tell myself, well obviously people don’t love you to that calibre.. you suck and people don’t love me… Obviously because you have zero people in your village!
Another example:
I don’t have many friends. I have a coworker, a friend I’ve been friends with for 20 years and my husband is my best friend. I used to have more but I find friendships so hard to maintain since becoming a Mom. My brother however, is swarmed with friends. And easily has 4 or 5 friends that frequently reach out to him. I’ll tell myself.. you’re a loser and a loner and you always have been.
Anyways…
As I get older, I struggle with the inauthentic person I put out for everyone at family functions. I sit mostly quietly or I talk too much on speed 100 out of pure nervousness. I say things to appear perfect so people will like me.
I don’t want to do that anymore.
I just want to be me. I’m not horrible. My insecurities tell me I am but they’re just trying to keep me safe.
I don’t want to be safe.
I just want to live as myself and enjoy social gatherings without coming home and replaying everything about myself thereafter.
How do I live with the confidence to stop worrying about what others think of me?