What is your opinion on the silence treatment? Effective ? Childish ?

32 comments

1. Gross. Can’t stand it ugh.

2. It’s abusive

3. So immature

4. Neither, its abuse.

   Stonewalling someone is abuse. Plain and simple. At a base level it’s childish and immature… but at its core its really about maintaining control of the other persons emotions, toying with it and using it to your advantage to get your own way, or force them into submission.

   Its one thing to ask your partner/friend/family member that you need some space before returning to a difficult discussion. But the silent treatment is not that. To pretend as if that person is not even there, to look right through them, to refuse to answer direct questions is manipulative behaviour with absolutely zero upside.

   My religious fundamentalist parents used this method to maintain control over us. Our family is deeply divided now, and all of my siblings.. including me… are riddled with anxiety and struggle to regulate our emotions.

   It does not encourage healthy communication habits and is deeply damaging for child development. It’s a terrible way to punish anyone.

   If you can’t tell, I have a strong opinion on this.

5. manipulative

6. The silent treatment? I absolutely hate it. But there are times where I just can’t speak to someone until I’m calm again. Not out of childishness, but to avoid saying something ugly.

7. It’s one of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

   If you’re already in this behavior range, might as well break up and move on.

8. It’s stupid. I used to do it because my mom did it and I never learned how to deal with conflicts effectively, but I don’t do it anymore.

9. Depending on the context, it can be flat out abusive.

10. Sounds like a terrible way to treat people. There’s a difference between telling someone you need time to feel your feelings and cool down and straight up ignoring them.

11. Childish. If you don’t want to talk to someone, fucking break up. Don’t play stupid games.

12. It’s plain wrong. It leaves the other person questioning what went wrong, which can cause major mental problems

13. It’s not great but I do it. And I *specifically* do it when I’m trying to punish someone because I’m pissed at them. Like, deliberately denying them the ability to engage with me and talk/argue it out because I don’t think they deserve the satisfaction.

    And while it’s definitely effective punishment, that doesn’t mean I should do it. It’s one of my pettiest traits. I’m working on it!

14. Immature and childish. Grow up and have a normal conversation like an adult.

15. This was my go to when I was a kid. And as an adult when I am upset and overwhelmed I need time to myself to process. So it’s totally reasonable for me to tell someone I want to resume the issue once I have chilled on my own. Especially because I know the more overwhelmed I become, the more likely I am to lash out and say something hurtful.

    The silent treatment is like the immature, manipulative cousin of this. It is effective in making sure you hurt the people around you and harm your relationships, if that’s what you want. It is childish because little kids have trouble communicating what they need so they can just shut down. If you’re doing this as an adult you need to get some help.

16. It’s really good if you’re eleven and your parents put the Xbox on top of the fridge.

    I can see communicating that you want a cool down period and giving an estimate on how long that will be , but it’s dog shit to just stonewall your partner.

17. Manipulative and immature

18. Its a bad idea to stonewall some one if you’re refusing to communicate.

    Bug sometimes its a last resort for someone who won’t communicate with you

19. It’s widely considered a form of psychological abuse. This tactic is often used by abusive partners and parents as a way to reinforce feelings of fear and uncertainty about the abuse victim’s situation and security within the relationship. (It’s also worth noting that there are “milder” forms of silent treatment that involve minimal communication and emotional expression from the abuser towards the abused.) Of course, when the abused try to confront their abuser about it, they will then be gaslit and the abuser will brush it off as something else.

    **The result of silent treatment can be isolation and perspecticide which create opportunities for complete control and psychological dependency on the abuser.**

20. Yep, abusive. I had an ex boyfriend who would use this tactic. He’d stonewall me for days and if I tried to contact him to talk about what he might be mad about (because God forbid he actually told me) he would tell me I was stupid and berate me.

    Even if it was something I was uncomfortable or upset about. He would manage to turn the tables, get mad at me, and stonewall me for days. So I would walk on egg shells for fear of making him mad and never bring it up when I was hurt/upset/mad about something.

21. Childish and manipulative.

    It’s one thing to tell the person that you need a break from the conversation/argument. It’s a completely different thing to just decide you’re done and not communicate that, then pretend like the other person isn’t there.

    The best way to handle something like that is to do what I described above and explain that you need a break. If the other person ignores that and tries to keep you engaged with them, repeat it again (“This conversation isn’t constructive and I’m overwhelmed. I need a break. Let’s revisit it at x time when we’re both more regulated.” If they STILL ignore that, give them a consequence (i.e. if you mention it again I’m leaving the room/hanging up the phone/etc.) and follow through with it.

22. On its awful. My mom did it to me all the time, and I had to tiptoe around her. Then the next morning she’d act like nothing was wrong and we never actually talked about or resolved anything.

    I find myself doing it to people now too, to a lesser extent. Not complete cold shoulder silence, but one word answers with a very nonchalant attitude like I’m acting nothing’s wrong but they can tell something’s wrong. In the moment I really don’t know what to do. It isn’t an appropriate time to talk it out, but I’m still mad about it in the meantime.

    And if whoever I’m mad at doesn’t bring it up, I most likely won’t either. I’ll get over it, and I’ll stop being mad eventually, and I’ll pretend nothing is wrong the next morning and act totally normal. Hmm, sounds familiar.

    It’s been a long process overcoming it and being better at confronting what’s bothering me, talking it out with the other person, and not being cold and snippy with them until they ask me what’s wrong. I *am* much better at it now than I was ten years ago. Still working.

    Oh and to answer your question, fuck no it’s not effective. It does nothing to solve the actual issue at hand, it just makes the other person feel like shit and feel afraid of trying to talk to you. Now you’re even further from solving the real issue. And you have another one on top to deal with. I can’t tell you how many times my partners or close friends has had to call out my behavior regarding this at a time when I wasn’t currently mad.

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24. Childish and manipulative!

25. Fine if you’re 5 and don’t know any better.

26. Sometimes it’s your only option, especially when you’re dealing with a highly dominant, aggressive personality: walk away and don’t engage.

27. It’s messed up to be around someone and not acknowledge them, not talk to them, and pretend they don’t exist. However, some people need to step away from their families for a while, sometimes years, in order to focus on themselves. Is that also considered the silent treatment? I don’t know, but I do know that we shouldn’t be forced to have a relationship with someone that we are related to.

28. Depends on the situation

    If you are going no contact with someone for whatever reason then silent treatment does wonders.

    If you are in a relationship and do it to your partner it’s just childish and manipulative. It’s one thing to need some time to cool off which should conveyed to your partner. It is something completely different to just stonewall someone.

    It would be a relationship ender for me. If you can’t talk to me like an adult then the relationship will not work. I’m not your mom and you aren’t a child. Children shut down, adults communicate.

29. Ah, the silent treatment. I have to admit that I do this as a last resort. It’s usually after I’ve brought up the same problem over and over again. Im usually just hoping my significant other will take me seriously once I start withholding affection, which hurts both me and him.

    Once the real resentment has taken hold, I stop talking all together.

30. I find that it’s the best way to deal with narcissists and emotional vampires.

    I came from an abusive family life and sometimes the only way to not be wrong (and thus punished) was to not say anything at all.

    Defend yourself and get punished.

    Agree and get punished.

    Say nothing and it’s safe.

31. I can admit I can go silent after an emotional event. Mainly because if I do talk I may do some emotional damage to the other person. I keep a tight hold on the filter between my brain and mouth.

32. I hate doing it but I’d rather keep my mouth shut until I’m calm enough to discuss the problem than say stupid things while angry and make the situation worse.