Hello to anyone reading this! I’m using a throwaway account because I don’t really want people I know to find this. Sorry if this is a bit rambley, I’m posting this late at night in a burst of anxious energy lmao.
So my partner and I would’ve known of each other through mutual friends in college, we started properly getting to know each other near the end of last year, and we started dating about 3 months ago. While they were the one who first caught feelings (though they thought I was \~23y/o rather than 19 at the time), I was the one who did the asking out.
I can’t understate how happy I am in this relationship. My partner is such a fun, kind and doting person, they understand a lot of the things that I’m going through, they are always super conscious of my needs and boundaries, and communication feels really easy with them. They say all of this stuff is the bare minimum and they’re kind of shocked that I sing their praises for stuff like this but I’ve never been with someone who makes me feel so loved and uplifted before. Any reservations that I would’ve initially had about our age difference are gone now honestly.
They really like being with me as well, though the age thing definitely bothers them more than it does for me. They would’ve made the occasional joke about it, but any time I or any of our friends make jokes about it they cringe a little bit, same with if I say something that highlights it (e.g. I made a comment about a show that gave me “childhood nostalgia” that they would’ve watched when they were 18/19 years old), and they’re nervous that my siblings (25M, 29M and 30sF) will think that my partner is a creep once I tell them about their age. We’ve also both had people try to groom us when we were younger, so I think they’re afraid that they’re somehow being predatory by dating me. There’s other things like them telling me that they’re afraid of holding me back because I’m so young, but point is I think this is really bothering them.
While I think our relationship is pretty strong already just because of how much we care about each other, I’m kind of scared that my partner is going to leave me because of this to protect me or something. Are my fears unfounded? Has anyone else been in a similar situation before? Any advice for navigating a relationship with an age gap like this? If I missed any important information let me know and I’ll add more detail in the comments.
TL;DR My partner and I have a 6 year age gap, and while it doesn’t bother me it seems to bother them a fair bit and I’m scared they will break up with me because of this.
5 comments
I’m such an old lady my brain read NB as newborn and I was gonna say I’m pretty concerned about that age gap as well.
Now that I’ve had my oh duh moment, I am 5 years older than my boyfriend. I’m also divorced and have a daughter. There were some hurtles to get over mentally being the older person and feeling like you two are in two different stages of life. To me it was absolutely worth giving a try and I am over a year in and so glad I did.
I don’t think there is really anything you can do or say to help your partner get over that mental block it’s something they have to choose for themselves.
The difference in maturity from 20 to 26 is pretty big so they may end up feeling like you two are too different. I’m not sure you can do much about that.
For some it works, for others it doesn’t.
My husband is nearly six years older than me, we met and started dating when I was 18. We’ve now been together for 12 years and married for 8 of those.
It can take work and compromise, and the difference is just enough that you may very well have times where you’re at different points in your lives. Like right now, for example, my husband is looking to make solid plans to move somewhere else, which I want to do as well, but he wants to make considerations for making sure I’ll be able to start a career. But I’m not ready for that right now. I’m not far out of actually finishing a degree, and while it doesn’t pay a lot and likely won’t go anywhere, I have a job that thoroughly enjoy and I’m not ready to jump from yet. He’s not pressuring me, but I feel like I’m holding him back.
Would the two of you ever want children? That’s another situation where one of you might feel it’s time and the other isn’t ready yet.
It all depends on how you deal with things like that. It absolutely can work, but it’s not for everyone.
20 and 26 might be no big deal. Or it might be such a difference in maturity that it’s terrible.
I’m nine years older than my partner. It’s no big deal. The only time it comes up at all is the sort of pop culture references that you two are experiencing: a song will come on the radio and my memory will be “Oh wow, I remember seeing this band at That Club when this album came out, and my buddy was so drunk he puked on the stage” and her memory will be “Oh, I was in middle school then.”
I don’t understand if your partner is a man or a woman. Older man would be more of a concern generally. It’s a bit young for that type of age gap but you’re both adults.